one day left in korea

maybe the only word that fits the way i feel is “bitter sweet” i want to go home at last, my home in boston. but it was great seeing my parents and spending lots and lots of time with my brother. we contemplated about going on a short trip to India but didn’t act on it so our inaction decided for us. 🙂

it’s been difficult to communicate with my bf, obviously. when you’re single and wondering who likes you or who doesn’t like you and who you like and who you don’t like, the name of the game is certainty, right? you think someone is or might be interested. ooooh how life would be so easy if he/she would just come right out and say so?

my bf and i started dating each other exclusive fairly early from when we met. became bg & gf officially near the end of the first month of dating. what i want to say is that even though we have this official status as bf and gf, if we don’t get to talk for a while i still need way of communicating that he still loves me. it’s quite different, isn’t it? knowing someone loves you vs hearing them say ILY or having them do things that shout out i love you!

i think i definitely respond more with verbal affirmations. it’s just the kind of person i am. love hugs and kisses, and everything else, but would like to hear other person say or do things that speak ILY to me clearly and loudly! boy, i wish my bf were reading my blogs, but i don’t think he is. hehe

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Worst Green Tea Bingso at Coex Redmango

so my german son and i went to coex, located in kangnam of seoul.  first of regular topics were very limited in selection.  i almost never get cereal on top of my frozen yogurt.  but at that time and place, corn flakes seemed like the best topping to put on my red mango frozen ice cream.

we asked if they had mochi as a topping.  the worker gave us deer caught in the headlight look and said, do you have that as a topping where you come from?  we don’t have mochi as a topping.  not all stores are the same across countries.

so after some mix up, we finally communicate to the worker that my son wants a green tea bingso.  when it came out, it looked pretty.

and so anyway: as for the taste – the worst green tea bingsoo we ever had!  green tea powder didn’t mix well with the ice and we just left the barely eaten bingsoo on the counter hoping that they would notice we did not like it too much.  😛

Tethering on iPhone 3.0 without jailbreaking

so so happy about thetering on my new iPhone 3G S!!!  i can even talk on the phone while connected to the Internet by tethering with my i Phone via bluetooth (can also use USB port).  what else can i say?  love it love it love it!  love apple!  love ATT!  can you tell, tethering and upgraded seat (see previous post) just totally put me in the bestest mood as i start off my trip to korea???

great (start to) trip to korea!!!

i am sitting in the business class lounge of korean air because i got upgraded for free!  yeah.  sometimesi airline overbooking works to your advantage.  hehe  so free food, easy free Internet connection, and quiet seat until departure.  then hopefully AC connection on the plane and roomy seat and better service all around!  can’t believe how much more i am looking forward to the entire trip to korea to visit my parents since i found out about my upgraded!  hehe i know.  pretty shallow, don’t you think?  but hey, comfort first before anything else when you might sleep for a long long time and then some more until your each your destination to a country over the pacific ocean!!!

so hard to go home

why is it so hard to go home?  i am supposed to fly to korea tomorrow morning.  i don’t want to pack.  i don’t know how i’m going to manage to keep myself busy or sleep for the entire 12-14 hrs of the flight from jfk.  and when i’m there except for 2-3 when my trip will overlap with a friend who is also visiting korea (from germany), i wil know no one else outside of my family, i mean, practically no one.  i fear that i will feel trapped in my parent’s apartment, no where to go, no one to hang out with, nothing to do.  well, the last bit i have some control over.  it’s not like i do a lot of things outside of the home here either.  i mostly stay in my bedroom.  i don’t even spend that much time in the living room.  and most of the time, i am doing things on my computer.  so maybe it doesn’t really matter that i will be in korea?  it’s just that everyone will be sleeping when i am up and i will be sleeping when everyone is up.  well, that’s not entirely true.  my bf will be up at about the same time as me and sleeping around the same time i might be.  it’s just that his sleep schedule is non-existent.  so maybe of all the people my waking hours might coincide the most with his.

what makes it so hard to go home?  my goodness it’s hard.  i’m having all kinds of pre-anxiety to anxiety to darn right overwhelming flood of anxiety about going home to see my parents.  i mean, all kinds of things are causing anxiety: plane ride, hours spent at home, hours not spent at home, talking to my parents, not talking to my parents, doomed if they hear me and doomed if they don’t hear me.  only thing i am sure i will like about my trip is coming back home, my home.  🙂

i tend to post more when i’m in korea so more frequent blogs to come in the next two weeks.

home

i didn’t go to korea to visit my parents this week as planned.  it must sound so bad.  but i feel really really good about this.  i know my parents love me.  i know i love them.  but where does the desire to want to see them or to spend time with them come from?  i’m not really getting a huge overwhelming sense of guilt nor the desire to go visit them.  i have felt this way for a few years now.  okay, maybe i have felt this way for over a decade.  living away from one’s parents, when you visit your parents, one would think that you feel at home when you go visit, right?  i don’t feel like i am visiting home when i go to visit my parents in korea.  all i feel is that i am visiting my parents in the place they happen to be living.  korea doesn’t seem like the place in which i grew up.  i don’t feel at home there.  i don’t feel at home with my parents either.  strangely, but honestly, i feel at home in otherways, in other places, with other people.  feeling at home is a mysterious and delicate feeling.  and lately i don’t know where i feel at home.  i sure do love to rest on my bed though, in my room, in the apartment i live with my sister.  🙂

no you didn’t! top five comments my clueless mom and dad made about me in the past 10 days

1. who’s the parent?

my dad told my younger sister that she better marry me off or make me lose weight!

2. as if!

i said to my dad, how can you write a book on how to be wealthy (happy) when your own daughter has made so many trips to the hospital? my dad told me to read the book.

then i said to my mom, how can you help strangers as a psychologist when you can’t even understand your own daughter who has depression? my mom said, depression is not my specialty.

when i asked them both if they have read even one book on depression on my account my dad said, depression is basic knowledge.

yeah, whatever (my response).

3. psych ward vs new otani hotel in tokyo

when my dad found out how much each intake to the hospital costs he said, that’s why i’m not worried when you’re in the hospital. staying at the hospital is cheaper than staying at new otani hotel (where we stayed when we were in tokyo) and because the hospital even feeds you.

4. silver lining

my dad said to me, i’m hoping that when you get over your struggles, that you can write a book on happiness and help others.

okay maybe this one doesn’t sound so bad out of context. maybe you had to be there. it would be okay that my dad made this comment if he made even one comment about how difficult it might be for me to live. and the fact is that this comment and the comment above are the only acknowledgement my dad has made about my hospital visits and my depression. he just doesn’t get it!!!

5. duh???

my sister made the comment (in response to something i did or something my mom said) that it’s more important for me to be alive (meaning not kill myself) than it is for me to not smoke. my mom responded by saying, i wish she would quit smoking at least.

ok, so between having a daughter who is living but smokes and having a dead daughter, she would choose the second option if it means i won’t be smoking anymore?