i am rapidly declining…  i thought i was doing well.  but this weekend, i hit another bump.  now i’m not sure what’s good for me.  i guess i know what i need.  i mean, i was starting to think i needed my ex-boyfriend if i can’t make it through this break up.  but then i realized, man, if i can’t make it through this break-up, being with my ex-boyfriend isn’t going to be much help.  so with or without him, with or without being inebriated, i’m gonna have to make this work.  i’m it.  me plus God.  that’s all i got.


for the first time in my life, i went to a buddhist monastery for meditation. the chanting part was weird. i wasn’t prostrating but i couldn’t keep up with getting up and down. i started feeling dizzy. after 30 minutes of chanting, which i just listened to, we had 30 minutes of sitting. i didn’t know i could move. so the entire time, my legs were numb. well, ok, they were numb about 10 minutes into the sitting. and about 3 times, i felt real intense clarity of my mind. it was really cool. i wouldn’t say i was really doing buddhist meditation though. it was more prayerful for me given that i’m a christian. that’s who i am. i wasn’t going to the meditation to try on buddhism. it was fascinating. i mean, religious experience of meditating in a buddhist context/surrounding compared to mindfulness or christian meditating…not sure of all the similarities and differences. the experience last night was definitely interesting!

saying good bye

i’m going to say good bye to my kids tonight. it’s going to be so weird not preaching every sunday. i’m sure i’ll get used to it. i’d like to think that i’ll still be in touch with everyone at church. but i know it’ll be hard to stay in touch when i don’t see everyone regularly. i know i’m leaving for a good reason. but why does leaving feel so weird???

heart break

yesterday towards end of the service, i nearly came to tears. during the service, some of the kids were really distracted. at one point, almost everyone got up to see what happened in the kitchen (service is in the cafeteria open to kitchen area) when we heard a popping noise. before saying a prayer at the end, i told them how service is for God and that all the interruptions and talking during the service is interruption and talking during worship of God. as i was saying this, i could feel tears welling up in my eyes and my voice choking up. it wasn’t so much i was hurt by how service went. but everything that happened points to how real God is in our lives. it’s fine to talk while i’m talking generally speaking, except when it’s during service and i’m in the middle of preaching a message i think would help all of us come closer to God! some of the kids said they were sorry. i said, don’t be sorry to me. i hope they realize it’s not really my heart they are breaking.

good thing

on beautiful easter sunday evening, i got rear ended. car was damaged more than it appeared at first. no wonder my body is bent out of shape. presently prescribed three different kinds of pain relievers. good thing i am not wanting to end my life because i have access to stuff that could kill me. life is funny that way. when i was really depressed and didn’t want to live, i couldn’t get meds strong enough. at last i have plenty of meds that could kill me but now i no longer am interested in ending my life. good thing the car accident that caused bad back and neck pain happened now and not a year ago. if the accident had happened a year ago, i may have not been prescribed the medicine and have to live through the pain or would have abused pain medicine for purposes not intended by doctors who prescribed them to me. actually, i think my psychiatrist might be shocked at different kinds of pain relievers that have been prescribed and also that i have a lot of it in possession. my psychiatrist still gives me one week’s worth of anti-anxiety medicine at a time. kind of funny considering my pcp prescribes to me months worth of pain killers at once and some of them with refills! thank God i am not tempted by having all the medicine i have all at once.

new and old

last sunday was the last service of our church…but this sunday we met at the church again for another last service. kind of funny, but i think it was good. so so happy that starting a new church is not rushed any more. i get to keep working with English ministry so for me it’s not new ministry. but the adults will start looking for a new pastor. i’m hoping for lots of prayer and all voices being heard this time! all things DO happen for the best!!!