after a month of silence, I spoke to my significant other finally. he said a month of silence doesn’t mean he wanted to break up with me. I am baffled and relieved at the same time. DTR, aka defining the relationship is to be continued next week. I never understood how some couples stay together. I’m beginning to understand where hearts of two people are involved, two hearts connected or tangled up on love, nothing is simple. logic or common sense doesn’t apply as one might expect. people have different issues and when two people with life time worth of issues, shaped by upbringing, family, cultural, religious beliefs and practices, you can’t assume you know until you confirm with your other half. only by the grace of God is it possible to protect oneself and each other. where hearts are involved, risk of getting heart broken is real and near. strange thing about love is, it makes me overcome my fears about getting heart broken. if I was so sure after a month of silence that only possible explanation was that the relationship was over, I wonder, how much I have grieved God due to my silence when God was waiting for me.
when everything in life loses it’s focus and things become blurry and bleak, look to nature. seriously, God made heavens and the earth. he created me. he didn’t do it out of boredom, did he? just because I feel lost doesn’t mean God doesn’t know where I am. I will try to take comfort in that today.
I am so encouraged, beseeched, and exhorted by Tim Keller’s sermon from yesterday, March 24th, 2013. He preached about the need to “encourage” each other in christian community. Paraclao (I think) is too strong a word for encourage, and yet too gentle for another word which I can’t remember. We are to model ourselves after Jesus who is the first paraclete and Holy Spirit who is the second paraclete. Only as we are advocated by the Holy Spirit of what Jesus has done for us that we can advocate on behalf of others: to encourage, comfort, beseech, advocate. After I heard this sermon, I was inspired to write texts to many of my friends that I interact with daily or weekly. Sent text to my boyfriend, my community group co-leader/friend, and others who encourage me. I am so thankful, so thankful to be in daily interaction with one or more of such paracletes in my life, paraclete embodied in flesh and blood. You have to speak in love and truth. You can’t be all accepting of everything someone does. Nor can you be too quick to critique someone. Ever so gently, and ever so patiently, and humbly we are to encourage (paraclao) each other. Have you acted as an advocate for someone you love today?
Birthdays no longer feel as special as they used to feel. Nonetheless, having a day to remember that I have made it through another year is a true blessing. In the past year, I started my first job as a chaplain, took two courses at a local seminary, stayed healthy and stable. What more could I have done? I don’t know, I feel like the past year was pretty full and fulfilling. Thank you, God! Thank you, Jesus! I’m a happy and lucky camper. Also, I’m thankful to my boyfriend. We’re a good match even if we don’t know how the future will turn out. Thanks everyone for the support!
Three of my friends are going to have surgeries in the next month. Two of them are my age and it’s quite sobering. Have we really gotten old enough that health is no longer something we can take for granted? I provide care to sick people all the time. It’s my job, my vocation, my calling. Lately, I have had to care for my friends as well. I’m grateful to be the one providing support rather than needing the support. I am grateful I can be helpful to those who are in need. I wish my friends weren’t sick. I wish God would heal them completely. I hope they wake up from surgery and recover without complications. One of my friend has a brain tumor. I’m saddened, deeply. Why? God, why? There are no answers, at least none that I can discern. But I know this. God is with us. In sickness and in health, just as newly weds vow to each other, God is with us in sickness and in health.
Getting used to my new job didn’t take long. To my delight, before my three month review, evaluation where my supervisor can recommend to terminate me or to keep me, I was offered more hours so that instead of part time, I am full time equivalent. Do we live in order to work? It would seem that working enables us to live! Far from making me less energized, work gives my life more meaning and gets me up and out of bed out of the house and into the world. Into the world where my mere presence and gifts and talents God has given me comfort and encourage others. Even where prayer is concerned, of course I pray far more for others and with others than I do on my own, my humble prayers, words of my heart bring peace and strength to those who need it. I wasn’t sure chaplaincy was my gig. Well, I still don’t know whether it is my only gig in life to be pursued. I do know that it is what gets me going from one day to the next knowing that somehow God is working through me to bring comfort to God’s people.
It’s the hardest thing in the world to share with someone closest to my heart about my religious beliefs, which in fact profoundly define and shape who I am. Why should this be so? Don’t I trust this person who is closest to my heart that he will be understanding, patient, and loving all the same as I share my core beliefs? Ideally the answer would be yes. Since it isn’t yes, but a maybe, or I would hope so, I stop to reflect on the relationship between myself and the closest person to my heart. I feel and believe that I am unconditionally accepted by this person. But perhaps that is only head knowledge and not heart knowledge. Yes, I am scared to be vulnerable to the one person I can be vulnerable with and not fear rejection or judgment. This is likely to be more about me than the relationship. It takes courage to open up my inner most being to another person, even to the person I trust most. How do I acquire such a thing?