i stayed up until 7 am this morning and then slept through out the day today. what i realize is that when i’m feeling good, as i did last night, i just don’t want to go to bed. and sure enough today i didn’t feel as good this morning. so i’m giving up on the regular sleeping thing and i got a cup of coffee for the night. hehe
i’m trying to consolidate my blog websites but it won’t happen succesfully until i get my website up and running. does anyone know a book or a site that is easy to understand yet informative enough on how to build a website? i have a domain name and a remote server already.
so since this is my first real blog here, i thought i’d have a little confessional moment. i am big on avoidance. it’s not even procrastination where people do other semi-productive things instead of doing what they dread doing. for me, i just avoid doing all things when i have something i have to do that is emotionally difficult. so i’ve been in bed a lot or because i have been in bed a lot because i don’t feel so good.
another thing is that i am trying to recover from unipolar depression. sure illnesses don’t define you. like that’s in question? but it sure colors everything you perceive and every decision you make, or don’t make. i’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot in the past few years, especially. they, the doctors, are trying different combinations of drugs on me. one medicine worked for a while but stopped working for whatever reason, so i’m coming off of that medicine. anyway, long story short, it takes a lot of effort for me to do anything, anything except for blogging. so i’m rather prolific most of the time.
i study theology, having studied philosophy previously. i love it, but it’s become difficult especially with hospital stays and “bad” days and so forth. so i am considering a career change. but not because i want to, you see? it is not the greatest feeling to have in the world to know you can’t pursue what you felt was such a meaningful aspect of your life.
as much as studying had/has giving my life meaning, i am also musically/artistically inclined. i used to play piano for a long time, which i couldn’t keep up so i gave it up pretty much completely. but i still paint and when i’ve got lots of energy, then i take photographs too.
life is a torture for me most of the time. i’ve written else where that life feels to me like someone is holding my eye lids open when all i want to do is blink. and it’s true that at times i just want the pain and suffering to end. let’s face it, i feel like that most of the time. but then there are times when i am distracted enough that i actually forget that i don’t want to live. and at those moments i feel thankful.
there is a whole lot of religious seeking/searching that is going on with me right now which i would like to write about at some point. but maybe i’ve said enough for now.