and you know what I’m still grieving

I miss my friend Esther. too soon too early too young. wish I could bring her back. I really do… I wish we could have journeyed together this thing called life!


one good year at a time

I finished my first year of my second PhD attempt!  feeling blessed and fortunate.  poor I probably will be and lucky if I have a roof over my head when I’m done with my PhD program. rich or poor, I love what I’m doing now. couldn’t pay me enough money to change my life because I’m exactly where I want to be!

to love and good deeds

24 And let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24)

I have been “going to church” by watching worship services online from Willow Creek Community Church.  I attend a Bible study, in person, on Fridays with a church in the city.  I keep remembering a sermon preached by a  Willow Creek  youth pastor that a Christian must always be part of a community, which one can transform and be transformed by.  I feel really torn on Sunday mornings whether to attend a local church or to attend service online.

All that to say, I feel called out by this passage this morning, to consider how to provoke one another to love and good deeds. It’s hard to provoke one another to love and good deeds when neglecting to meet up with my local community church.  Perhaps though limiting my view to only my local church isn’t doing justice to the vest.  How do I provoke myself and others to love and good deeds?  I’m not sure I have “an” answer but for sure, my loving and doing good deeds may inspire others to do the same in their lives.  So here we go, will try to live out a day of  loving and doing good deeds.

I Press On Toward the Goal

I had a meltdown two days ago.  I was so discouraged that I couldn’t concentrate.  I couldn’t read.  That meant that I couldn’t get any school work done.  Reading week was coming to an end and I had lots more work left to finish.

Somehow, with help of my boyfriend, I got through the moment.  I calmed down.  I talked to my therapist.  I had dinner with a friend.  I went to Bible Study.  And the next day, well it wasn’t back to normal.  I was having trouble reading but not as badly as the day before.  I tried over and over again to read and to just get through some of the material.  Thanks be to God that for me, reading material has a lot to do with my faith since I’m studying theology.  I read about Jesus, how Jesus saves, how Jesus liberates.  But it was still a hard day.

And I watched service online last night.  and did some more reading, then went to bed.  This morning, I’m reading the lectionary, the Bible reading for today set by the church.  and totally encourage and struck by the passage in Philippians 3:14

“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)

We’re not there, wherever there is.  I’m not there yet, where God wants me to be and has plans for me to be.  So I will press on toward the goal of eternal life, of salvation promised eternally with God, resurrection of the dead, and redemption from everything that brings my spirit down.  I’m reading today about why it is that if Jesus conquered death, if Jesus died for us, why does sin still have a hold on us?  I think that’s one of the things I’ll try to figure out today.  Because I have faith, I believe in my salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.  But I still have moments of utter despair…and in those moments, I need voices and reminders of those who know and love me to hold on to me until I come out of the darkness.

Oh my Lord, my soul rejoices in you this morning, to be alive, to have a chance to press on toward the goal, for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.  Thank you God.



My hope, my trust

“For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth.” (Psalm 71:5)

Dear God, as I look around the snow and see how beautiful it is, I see that what you have created is good. On this day, as I go about the day, help me to focus, help me to be productive and help me to feel your presence in my heart.  You are my hope and my trust. In you I delight in the promise of knowing you daily and eternally. Thank you for this weekend, the opportunity to write the paper I will be writing today, and thank you that I can worship you through the gifts you have given me.  God you have loved me first.  For that I am thankful and happy.  Your loving kindness overwhelms me.  I love you, God. Help me to be a blessing, to bring light unto the world, and to bring hope of joy to those you love.  Amen.