I had a meltdown two days ago. I was so discouraged that I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t read. That meant that I couldn’t get any school work done. Reading week was coming to an end and I had lots more work left to finish.
Somehow, with help of my boyfriend, I got through the moment. I calmed down. I talked to my therapist. I had dinner with a friend. I went to Bible Study. And the next day, well it wasn’t back to normal. I was having trouble reading but not as badly as the day before. I tried over and over again to read and to just get through some of the material. Thanks be to God that for me, reading material has a lot to do with my faith since I’m studying theology. I read about Jesus, how Jesus saves, how Jesus liberates. But it was still a hard day.
And I watched service online last night. and did some more reading, then went to bed. This morning, I’m reading the lectionary, the Bible reading for today set by the church. and totally encourage and struck by the passage in Philippians 3:14
“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)
We’re not there, wherever there is. I’m not there yet, where God wants me to be and has plans for me to be. So I will press on toward the goal of eternal life, of salvation promised eternally with God, resurrection of the dead, and redemption from everything that brings my spirit down. I’m reading today about why it is that if Jesus conquered death, if Jesus died for us, why does sin still have a hold on us? I think that’s one of the things I’ll try to figure out today. Because I have faith, I believe in my salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. But I still have moments of utter despair…and in those moments, I need voices and reminders of those who know and love me to hold on to me until I come out of the darkness.
Oh my Lord, my soul rejoices in you this morning, to be alive, to have a chance to press on toward the goal, for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus. Thank you God.
“For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth.” (Psalm 71:5)
Dear God, as I look around the snow and see how beautiful it is, I see that what you have created is good. On this day, as I go about the day, help me to focus, help me to be productive and help me to feel your presence in my heart. You are my hope and my trust. In you I delight in the promise of knowing you daily and eternally. Thank you for this weekend, the opportunity to write the paper I will be writing today, and thank you that I can worship you through the gifts you have given me. God you have loved me first. For that I am thankful and happy. Your loving kindness overwhelms me. I love you, God. Help me to be a blessing, to bring light unto the world, and to bring hope of joy to those you love. Amen.
61 The spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me;
he has sent me to bring good news to the oppressed,
to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and release to the prisoners; (Isaiah 61:1)
It is not a little thing to claim, that the Spirit of the Lord is upon someone. Nonetheless, I know that the Spirit of the Lord is upon me to bring good news to the oppressed, to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and release the prisoners.
Isaiah felt a sense of calling. He knew what God wanted him to do. Did he feel equipped to do these things? Because I feel a sense of calling and know that the Spirit of the Lord is upon me, but still I have so many times felt inadequate, unequipped, and unsure of how and what I could do to be faithful to my calling.
This morning, I pray that God would equip me. God help me to feel your help. I know I can’t do what I was called to do on my own. Lord, have mercy! Come quickly to my aid. Because I am sinking little by little into self doubt and losing confidence in my abilities. And yes, I do remember as I write this that when I lose confidence in my abilities, you can still use me, maybe even more so, when I acknowledge my weaknesses and see that you are strong and that you can accomplish great things through and in me still.
The Lord is faithful in all his words,
and gracious in all his deeds.
14 The Lord upholds all who are falling,
and raises up all who are bowed down.
(Psalm 145: 13b-14)
I read this passage earlier this morning. then started feeling like I was failing in my attempts to do my studies. And I went to read this passage again and it occurred to me that I am falling, as I feel I am failing. And those who are falling, God will uphold because God is faithful and gracious.
I’m failing. I’m falling. But,
It’s not about me. It’s about God loving me first and me loving God back.
So I have a deadline which seems nearly impossible to meet as I haven’t made much progress in past two days. I do feel anxious. I do feel like I am failing.
but the saints are those who fall and get up, and the saints keep marching on! If God would uphold me even as I’m falling and failing, I will try again today to make some progress on my writing!!!
I still miss my friend E. It’s been over a year since her death. I have a great group of friends who are mourning together. I have things in my life that keep me busy. I have good friends in my life. I have a supportive and loving boyfriend. I talk to my mom and/or dad regularly, albeit not often.
But when I need some one, need someone to understand me, you know, I still miss you, E. You somehow were able to just let me be, and to listen and to be there. I miss you. i don’t think about you everyday, like I used to. But when I’m in need of support, you know, I miss you. There was something about the way you were who you were that gave strength and peace to others. So, you are missed. and you are the one and only person who could fill that gap. It takes practically a village to try to patch up support of the kind you were to me. why do we always realize how valuable, just how valuable something or someone is until we no longer have it/them?
Truth be told, I still miss you. Truth be told, I will always miss you
I usually am unsuccessful in following up with New Year’s resolutions. So it makes sense not to make any. But I just made one. My new year’s resolution is to start each day reading the daily lectionary. I just can’t manage my life and it feels like a run away train. But if I can slow down to read the Bible, to meditate on the word of God, I think I could be alright.
God, help me today and everyday to live for you, to live being in your presence, and to live not being afraid to fail. Amen
my waitress, Debbie, made my day! She told me I could sit anywhere I wanted to. I yell out as I walked past her, can I sit at a booth? she answered, yes, love. I was sitting at a booth that needed to be cleaned up. then when she came over, she makes me get up and says you don’t sit at a dirty table. I ordered a bunless cheeseburger with salad. order comes out to perfection, even with the dressing on the side! I don’t know if I was having a particularly crappy day or if I was receiving extraordinary service by Debbie. I was overcome with thankfulness. yes, she got a big tip! bigger than she could have imagined.