so what psychiatric medicines are you on?  my main antidepressant is effexor.  but since my last hospital visit, my doctors are slowly taking me off it.  they took me off ritalin completely, which i think is for the best.  i was on lithium only for about a week and a half before they realized it may not be working for me.  i am still on abilify and lamictal.  i think abilify is the drug that is/has been making me gain weight!  oh well. 

i told my mom and brother that i am coming off of some medicine and they were so excited.  they can’t wait until i am completely off psych meds.  my doctor and i know, however that i am on psych meds indefinitely, for as long as relapse is a possibility.  it’s kind of sad that my family and friends have such a hard time accepting that i have uinipolar depression.  one of my friend said, if you have bipolar depression, you really need meds, but i don’t understand why your doctors prescribe you so many pills.  i’m like, what duh???  the difference between bipolar depression and major depression is simple.  with bipolar depression, one has extreme ups and extreme downs.  with major depression, one only has extreme downs, hence the name unipolar depression.  i sometimes wish i were bipolar so that i could be super productive and not need sleep, etc.  but that’s really silly, isn’t it?  it’s hard enough to cope with unipolar depression.  coping with manic episodes is not something i honestly wish for.  in this instance, the grass does not look greener on the other side. 

getting back to antidepressants and psych meds in general, contrary to what some people might say and/or believe, they are not “happy” meds which magically deliver more self confidence or happiness!  it’s actually rather depressing that with meds, i don’t start my day off way down the “normal” range of feelings, but am brought to a level of manageable feelings/mood which is where most people naturally start of their day.  so yes, i’m thankful doe my meds.  no life doesn’t get easier with meds that i’m taking.  life becomes manageable and at times even bearable.  and without meds, life is a torture, the kind of torture and sickness that would have one wish for death.  (read sickness unto death by soren kierkegaard if you want an analytical exploration of despair!)

speaking of which, i better take my night time meds. 


professional blog?

as i just wrote in my “personal blog,” i’m trying to keep this blog site a “professional” one and http://bleuemoon.blogspot.comas a “personal” blog.  but where does personal blog end and professional blog start?  for me even depression is part of my “professional” self since it affects how i can or cannot do things.  and how i function in my “professional” life and my “personal” life are just way too inter-related.  since i’m a student, there isn’t really a distinct shape in which my professional life looks like.  so for a while, until this blog takes a shape of its own, my blogs will be professional and personal on this site, at least for a while i think.  the only distinction will be that on this site i will try to keep to one topic per blog.  on the other blog, you’ll find that i jump from one topic to another and drop topics as my mind quickly moves on.  🙂


my lovely niece is amazing, especially when she plays wii!  she’s three and a half years old.  she knows how to golf, bowl and box on wii!  she can beat your average (or my brother in law and her uncles and aunts) wii player on any of the sports she knows how to play only on wii!  the other day, she was boxing her uncle and as she was knocking him down, she even had time to look at her opponent and her cheering fans!  as kongtachi ( writes, it’s really scary how good she is! 

as for me, i have yet to play a game of wii.  i’d like to keep it that way.  i don’t know, i don’t really like to play games of any kind, or even watch movies.  it’s like i don’t want to do anything that is entertaining and potentially fun!  the only fun i allow/enjoy is writing blogs.  hence, the many many blogs i write just about every day! 

new president in south korea!

people (including my mom and dad) are excited about the new president in south korea.  the market is up.  and even i feel like things are looking up.  i have no clue why i would even feel this since i don’t even know what the president looks like and i don’t even live here.  in any case i’m excited for korea. 

i really must stop on-line shopping.  i just can’t stop!  it is really addictive. 

since i got an extension for the final paper for a class i took last semester, i feel pretty optimistic and hopeful about my life.  it’s funny how that works, isn’t it?  one part of your life gets better and rest of your life looks better too. 

i haven’t done anything exciting so far since i got here.  i had really good sushi today.  that’s about it.  oh, and tangerines are excellent here.  my hands are going to look orange soon!


i stayed up until 7 am this morning and then slept through out the day today. what i realize is that when i’m feeling good, as i did last night, i just don’t want to go to bed. and sure enough today i didn’t feel as good this morning. so i’m giving up on the regular sleeping thing and i got a cup of coffee for the night. hehe

i’m trying to consolidate my blog websites but it won’t happen succesfully until i get my website up and running. does anyone know a book or a site that is easy to understand yet informative enough on how to build a website? i have a domain name and a remote server already.

so since this is my first real blog here, i thought i’d have a little confessional moment. i am big on avoidance. it’s not even procrastination where people do other semi-productive things instead of doing what they dread doing. for me, i just avoid doing all things when i have something i have to do that is emotionally difficult. so i’ve been in bed a lot or because i have been in bed a lot because i don’t feel so good.

another thing is that i am trying to recover from unipolar depression. sure illnesses don’t define you. like that’s in question? but it sure colors everything you perceive and every decision you make, or don’t make. i’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot in the past few years, especially. they, the doctors, are trying different combinations of drugs on me. one medicine worked for a while but stopped working for whatever reason, so i’m coming off of that medicine. anyway, long story short, it takes a lot of effort for me to do anything, anything except for blogging. so i’m rather prolific most of the time.

i study theology, having studied philosophy previously. i love it, but it’s become difficult especially with hospital stays and “bad” days and so forth. so i am considering a career change. but not because i want to, you see? it is not the greatest feeling to have in the world to know you can’t pursue what you felt was such a meaningful aspect of your life.

as much as studying had/has giving my life meaning, i am also musically/artistically inclined. i used to play piano for a long time, which i couldn’t keep up so i gave it up pretty much completely. but i still paint and when i’ve got lots of energy, then i take photographs too.

life is a torture for me most of the time. i’ve written else where that life feels to me like someone is holding my eye lids open when all i want to do is blink. and it’s true that at times i just want the pain and suffering to end. let’s face it, i feel like that most of the time. but then there are times when i am distracted enough that i actually forget that i don’t want to live. and at those moments i feel thankful.

there is a whole lot of religious seeking/searching that is going on with me right now which i would like to write about at some point. but maybe i’ve said enough for now.