my mom just made me man-doo-kuk (korean dumpling soup) for lunch. she didn’t know it was my favorite food of all time. it was simply delicious.
do actions speak louder than words? i always wish that my mom would cook for me whenever i come home. whether by chance or by fate my mom’s cooked for me during this visit more than i ever remember her cooking! i love it love it love it!
i’m determined to do the following during the year of 2008!!!
1. lose about 60 pounds/30 kgs. i gained a lot of weight since my last depression episode. i know that at least one of my medicines are facilitating weight gain. i’ve been exercising three time a week for the past six months. i’m going to try to go to the gym 4 time a week during the new year.
2. by the end of january i want to quit smoking for good. i don’t know if i can. but i’m sure going to try.
3. i want to finish my program in theology by the end of spring semester. i think i want to write a thesis on nothingness in order to fulfill graduation requirements.
4. i want to come off of effexor completely.
5. there shall be no 10th hospital visit!
that’s all for now. 🙂
dreams are funny aren’t they? i feel my dreams sometimes throws me into my subconsciousness, forcing me to encounter what i really don’t have desire or ability to in my consciousness. and then when i wake up, i feel like i was re-living my life, at least some aspect of my life.
so i was dreaming last night of course. and i dreamt that an old boyfriend, actually an ex-boyfriend, the love of my life, was visiting me. it’s not far from truth since after breaking up we really did have a reunion. but in this dream i was able to tell him how much appreciated him all at the same time telling him i’m glad we broke up and that i am glad, so glad, that we didn’t get married. i feel so empowered!
it felt nice to be with the love of my life with whom i want nothing to do with. i think just the friendship itself was so wonderful i wish i had something like it in my life now. and i have that warm fuzzy feeling inside which i feel sometimes when i feel i have really connected with someone.
dreams dreams dreams
so what psychiatric medicines are you on? my main antidepressant is effexor. but since my last hospital visit, my doctors are slowly taking me off it. they took me off ritalin completely, which i think is for the best. i was on lithium only for about a week and a half before they realized it may not be working for me. i am still on abilify and lamictal. i think abilify is the drug that is/has been making me gain weight! oh well.
i told my mom and brother that i am coming off of some medicine and they were so excited. they can’t wait until i am completely off psych meds. my doctor and i know, however that i am on psych meds indefinitely, for as long as relapse is a possibility. it’s kind of sad that my family and friends have such a hard time accepting that i have uinipolar depression. one of my friend said, if you have bipolar depression, you really need meds, but i don’t understand why your doctors prescribe you so many pills. i’m like, what duh??? the difference between bipolar depression and major depression is simple. with bipolar depression, one has extreme ups and extreme downs. with major depression, one only has extreme downs, hence the name unipolar depression. i sometimes wish i were bipolar so that i could be super productive and not need sleep, etc. but that’s really silly, isn’t it? it’s hard enough to cope with unipolar depression. coping with manic episodes is not something i honestly wish for. in this instance, the grass does not look greener on the other side.
getting back to antidepressants and psych meds in general, contrary to what some people might say and/or believe, they are not “happy” meds which magically deliver more self confidence or happiness! it’s actually rather depressing that with meds, i don’t start my day off way down the “normal” range of feelings, but am brought to a level of manageable feelings/mood which is where most people naturally start of their day. so yes, i’m thankful doe my meds. no life doesn’t get easier with meds that i’m taking. life becomes manageable and at times even bearable. and without meds, life is a torture, the kind of torture and sickness that would have one wish for death. (read sickness unto death by soren kierkegaard if you want an analytical exploration of despair!)
speaking of which, i better take my night time meds.
as i just wrote in my “personal blog,” i’m trying to keep this blog site a “professional” one and http://bleuemoon.blogspot.comas a “personal” blog. but where does personal blog end and professional blog start? for me even depression is part of my “professional” self since it affects how i can or cannot do things. and how i function in my “professional” life and my “personal” life are just way too inter-related. since i’m a student, there isn’t really a distinct shape in which my professional life looks like. so for a while, until this blog takes a shape of its own, my blogs will be professional and personal on this site, at least for a while i think. the only distinction will be that on this site i will try to keep to one topic per blog. on the other blog, you’ll find that i jump from one topic to another and drop topics as my mind quickly moves on. 🙂
my lovely niece is amazing, especially when she plays wii! she’s three and a half years old. she knows how to golf, bowl and box on wii! she can beat your average (or my brother in law and her uncles and aunts) wii player on any of the sports she knows how to play only on wii! the other day, she was boxing her uncle and as she was knocking him down, she even had time to look at her opponent and her cheering fans! as kongtachi (http://www.xanga.com/kongtachi) writes, it’s really scary how good she is!
as for me, i have yet to play a game of wii. i’d like to keep it that way. i don’t know, i don’t really like to play games of any kind, or even watch movies. it’s like i don’t want to do anything that is entertaining and potentially fun! the only fun i allow/enjoy is writing blogs. hence, the many many blogs i write just about every day!
people (including my mom and dad) are excited about the new president in south korea. the market is up. and even i feel like things are looking up. i have no clue why i would even feel this since i don’t even know what the president looks like and i don’t even live here. in any case i’m excited for korea.
i really must stop on-line shopping. i just can’t stop! it is really addictive.
since i got an extension for the final paper for a class i took last semester, i feel pretty optimistic and hopeful about my life. it’s funny how that works, isn’t it? one part of your life gets better and rest of your life looks better too.
i haven’t done anything exciting so far since i got here. i had really good sushi today. that’s about it. oh, and tangerines are excellent here. my hands are going to look orange soon!