not-happy but not depressed either

i’m not proud of what i’ve done in the past 24-48 hours. i finished my week’s work of meds i need when i feel anxious. i drank vodka straight out of the bottle which i’ve only seen serious alcoholics do. i felt the need to drink more when i finished all the alcohol that was in the house. i vaguely remember calling up a friend i don’t talk to all the time and asking if he would donate some alcohol to our household. man, the fact is i am not even sure if i really did call him or not. it all feels like a dream.

last night, i really felt like i didn’t care about anything. when i’m feeling better i usually miss my nieces and my bf. this past weekend, i didn’t really miss anyone. i just wanted to hide in a dark room and not come out.

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just for the record!

today is not a good day to die.  i haven’t seen my neices and nephews yet.  i haven’t said bye to all the friends who went home for thanskgiving.  i’m supposed to give someone a ride back from the airport on friday night.  must live until then i think.  wouldn’t you agree?

i am however aware of this lovely opportunity to try beautifully…  all the ingredients are there.  i just have to mix them in my stomach without throwing them back up.  hmmm   for the longest time i would obssess about the grief and trauma that the person who first found me would feel/see/experience.  i don’t worry about that now because i have no idea who is going to visit me before my sister comes back.

so then why do i keep increasing the number of pills which are supposed to help me to sleep?  it’s too bad that i don’t feel like drinking alcohol.  guess i’ll have to face tomorrow, then.

today is a lovely day for cleaning out all the sleeping pills that are on top of my dresser.  yes.  yes.  can’t see them anymore.  they are no longer reminding me that i could take them.  i need not be tempted, because i have taken them.

i have been told that i have an amazing tolerance for drugs.  i think it’s true.  i seem to be able to take in huge dosages of medicine before they come into therapeutic range.

i think i’m going to sleep in tomorrow.  so no one call me before noon!  later in the day would be even more appreciated, of course.  happy thurkey-day friends!

black hole

i just spent about 4 hours on the internet receiving and sending e-mails. where did the go? i wish people would use the phone as much as they used to. because it would be faster than sending e-mails back and forth! although, i do prefer sending an e-mail if the message is concerning something too complicated or difficult to explicate.

i still feel kind of sick from the other night b/c i drank too much. my medicine and alcohol, they don’t mix well. i met with my psychiatrist this morning but didn’t have “time” to bring it up. i was happy we never got around to talking about it. i’m sure she wouldn’t have been happy and maybe would have given me a really really hard time about not drinking with the meds i am on.

i just saved about a hundred dollars for our church! we are getting food catered and the price was too high. so i mentioned a competitor’s name and said we might have to switch over to the other people. and the owner (i think he was the owner) came down to meet our budget. i mean, it’s a church function. we don’t grow money on the trees. and if the food is good as we think it’s going to be, i’m going to post an awesome, really kick ass awesome review of thier catering services. why? i find that writing reviews of businesses (good or bad) is rather empowering. i feel like my experiences and judgment matter, you know?

so anyway, no mixing alcohol with meds this weekend.