what in the world?

two days ago, i slept all day and had a headache. i thought i was just tired. then the next day, i felt weak, achy all over and at times felt dizzy when i got up. what in the world is going on? because i’m on psych-meds and also pre-diabetes meds, i can’t tell what medicine is causing what or if i’m sick! to make matters more annoying than anything else, this morning, the third day of being dragged down by physical ailments, my back started to hurt again.

my psychiatrist wanted me to decrease dose of wellbutrin (my primary antidepressant) to see decrease in dose of wellbutrin would make me less anxious. so i took smaller dose for couple days. then when i was in bed for the second day and feeling dizzy, i took the pill i skipped to make up the normal dose of wellbutrin just in case what i was experiencing was due to withdrawal symptoms of wellbutrin. i was getting nauseous too but the redsox game last night went on for over four hours and i kept myself distracted by watching the redsox lose a game they should have won!!!

so am i sick? am i taking too much pre-diabetic meds? my doctor seems to think lowering hemoglobin A1c will keep diabetes away. but i just read some blogs that stated that lowering hemoglobin A1c with medication might come at the cost of increased rate of death if tight control of hemoglobin A1c with medicine causes hypoglycemia while patient is driving or doing other kinds of activity where alertness is matter of life and death.

sigh. hello, i’m still in my thirties. just as i’m coming out of depression, did i really need to be dealt pre-diabetes!!! ok the lack of exercise and poor diet might have contributed and i would take full responsibility except when you’re depressed, you don’t really care what happens to your life, you know???


top five new year’s resolutions

i’m determined to do the following during the year of 2008!!!

1.  lose about 60 pounds/30 kgs.  i gained a lot of weight since my last depression episode.  i know that at least one of my medicines are facilitating weight gain.  i’ve been exercising three time a week for the past six months.  i’m going to try to go to the gym 4 time a week during the new year. 

2.  by the end of january i want to quit smoking for good.  i don’t know if i can.  but i’m sure going to try. 

3.  i want to finish my program in theology by the end of spring semester.  i think i want to write a thesis on nothingness in order to fulfill graduation requirements. 

4.  i want to come off of effexor completely.

5. there shall be no 10th hospital visit!

that’s all for now.  🙂


so what psychiatric medicines are you on?  my main antidepressant is effexor.  but since my last hospital visit, my doctors are slowly taking me off it.  they took me off ritalin completely, which i think is for the best.  i was on lithium only for about a week and a half before they realized it may not be working for me.  i am still on abilify and lamictal.  i think abilify is the drug that is/has been making me gain weight!  oh well. 

i told my mom and brother that i am coming off of some medicine and they were so excited.  they can’t wait until i am completely off psych meds.  my doctor and i know, however that i am on psych meds indefinitely, for as long as relapse is a possibility.  it’s kind of sad that my family and friends have such a hard time accepting that i have uinipolar depression.  one of my friend said, if you have bipolar depression, you really need meds, but i don’t understand why your doctors prescribe you so many pills.  i’m like, what duh???  the difference between bipolar depression and major depression is simple.  with bipolar depression, one has extreme ups and extreme downs.  with major depression, one only has extreme downs, hence the name unipolar depression.  i sometimes wish i were bipolar so that i could be super productive and not need sleep, etc.  but that’s really silly, isn’t it?  it’s hard enough to cope with unipolar depression.  coping with manic episodes is not something i honestly wish for.  in this instance, the grass does not look greener on the other side. 

getting back to antidepressants and psych meds in general, contrary to what some people might say and/or believe, they are not “happy” meds which magically deliver more self confidence or happiness!  it’s actually rather depressing that with meds, i don’t start my day off way down the “normal” range of feelings, but am brought to a level of manageable feelings/mood which is where most people naturally start of their day.  so yes, i’m thankful doe my meds.  no life doesn’t get easier with meds that i’m taking.  life becomes manageable and at times even bearable.  and without meds, life is a torture, the kind of torture and sickness that would have one wish for death.  (read sickness unto death by soren kierkegaard if you want an analytical exploration of despair!)

speaking of which, i better take my night time meds.