early start

instead of waiting until end of november to quit smoking, i decided to start with thanksgiving day.  armed this time with patches, nicotine gum, regular gum, gummy bears…   i had an anxiety filled day yesterday morning, making all kinds of undesirable decisions which ended up really irritating someone i really care about.   i’m so grateful that after calming down a bit he and i were able to talk through things. haha.  it’s good to know good communication skills can be learned.  as for quitting smoking, i have the support of smoking cessation industry, friends prayers, friends confidence and determination that cannot be deterred to quit smoking this time for real!

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what i was made for

i called my mom this morning and talk to her for a long time. i realized as i was talking to her that on days i study i am not anxious, i feel pretty good over all and i am motivated to do other things as well. but on days i don’t study, i feel anxious, feel apathetic and unmotivated about everything! was i made to study? i’m beginning to believe that. i think God made me in such a way that i would find purpose and meaning in life when i study and not when i don’t. it isn’t even a matter of how good i am academically. studying for me is a matter of survival it seems. wonder how many people are made the way i was made. i’m a nerd and i’m proud of who i am. 🙂

why so anxious?

i’ve been feeling so anxious! what is the matter with me? i guess i’m not sure about a lot of things in my life. lately, i feel pressured to do things i don’t want to do. that’s not a good feeling. i think things are going to have to change. i can’t curl up in bed in fetal position for the rest of the life! but that’s just what i want to do lately.

i think the fact that i’m turning forth in a couple of years is part of the reason i feel anxious. what have i accomplished in my life? my thirties flew by and it’s all a blur too because most of my thirties i was really depressed. i feel like i was robbed of my thirties! i like being in my thirties. i’m not ready to part with it yet!

in other news, i met with my primary care physician. he was really pleased. i dropped a lot in hemoglobin A1C or something like that. it’s one of the two ways diabetes is diagnosed. i was already in diabetic range for the hemoglobin A1C level in my blood. i think i’m in the lower end of pre-diabetic range now. yay!!!

guess all is not lost. 🙂

tricks

my mind is playing tricks on me. just couple of days ago, i felt like everything was stabilized to some kind of normalcy. then the very next day and today i feel anxious. if i knew exactly what i was feeling anxiety about, i think i would feel better.

fortunately (?) i told my therapist today that i wasn’t getting much out of therapy and wanted to take a break. i guess i forgot how anxious i felt yesterday. i didn’t think i would continue to feel anxious…

i’m also avoiding certain things…i needed to go to physical therapy because my back still hurts from the car accident that happened a month go. i was headed towards the place, then i turned around and walked home. what was that all about? what is there to be afraid of at my doctor’s office? i have multiple physical ailments going on at this point. yuck. yuck.

so hard to go home

why is it so hard to go home?  i am supposed to fly to korea tomorrow morning.  i don’t want to pack.  i don’t know how i’m going to manage to keep myself busy or sleep for the entire 12-14 hrs of the flight from jfk.  and when i’m there except for 2-3 when my trip will overlap with a friend who is also visiting korea (from germany), i wil know no one else outside of my family, i mean, practically no one.  i fear that i will feel trapped in my parent’s apartment, no where to go, no one to hang out with, nothing to do.  well, the last bit i have some control over.  it’s not like i do a lot of things outside of the home here either.  i mostly stay in my bedroom.  i don’t even spend that much time in the living room.  and most of the time, i am doing things on my computer.  so maybe it doesn’t really matter that i will be in korea?  it’s just that everyone will be sleeping when i am up and i will be sleeping when everyone is up.  well, that’s not entirely true.  my bf will be up at about the same time as me and sleeping around the same time i might be.  it’s just that his sleep schedule is non-existent.  so maybe of all the people my waking hours might coincide the most with his.

what makes it so hard to go home?  my goodness it’s hard.  i’m having all kinds of pre-anxiety to anxiety to darn right overwhelming flood of anxiety about going home to see my parents.  i mean, all kinds of things are causing anxiety: plane ride, hours spent at home, hours not spent at home, talking to my parents, not talking to my parents, doomed if they hear me and doomed if they don’t hear me.  only thing i am sure i will like about my trip is coming back home, my home.  🙂

i tend to post more when i’m in korea so more frequent blogs to come in the next two weeks.

giving then taking it away

as i posed a few blogs ago, my psychiatrist put me on ativan.  but then now she’s going to take some of it back.  i had a passing thought that i could take more than i was supposed to.  why?  well, just because i could.  but my psychiatrist is going away for a few weeks.  so if i run out, i’ll just have to live through anxiety and madness!  it doesn’t seem fair that i was honest about possibilities i was entertaining.  i chose not to act on the ideations.  and i don’t want to.  but still she’s going to take the pills away.  where is the trust???  oh well.  i feel helpless, like i can’t do anything about the situation.  i don’t want to be suffering when i know i could have taken a pill that would relieve the tension and anxiety that i feel, if only my psychiatrist hadn’t taken them away from me.  if that happens i am going to be so upset.  oh well oh well