do i deserve better?

last night (0r was it this afternoon), my girlfriend and i were telling each other that we deserve better.  exact words were, we deserve to be adored!  the context of the conversation is me waiting for my bf to call me after blowing off our plans last night to be with family.  things are actually more complicated than that, but that’s how i felt at the moment.  i wrote him an e-mail after he left to say how sad i was we didn’t get to hang out.  he wrote back saying he was sorry.  i liked how the e-mail started.  then he went on for two three paragraphs explaining how he was doing the right thing by changing his mind and choosing not to spend time with me.  he was going home to break fast with his family.  he was fasting for good reasons.  can you blame him?  well, i can blame him.  sure i can.  he didn’t explain why he wanted to spend the evening with his family instead of spending the evening with me as we had planned.  and when he did, it was in defense of his action without acknowledging how his actions made me feel so sad.

i am starting to wonder two things:  why do i love this person so much when he upsets me so much and why don’t i just date my girlfriends instead when my girlfriends understand me so much better and actually call to check up on me while my boyfriend is MIA?

is love overrated?  i don’t always get treated the way i would like to by my boyfriend.  but all in all, i love this person who changes his mind and doesn’t think of me first.  i have a “girl-crush” (to borrow my friend’s words) on my girl friend with whom i was commiserating with last night and this afternoon while my boyfriend wouldn’t return my phone calls.  but against my better judgment, perhaps, i miss my boyfriend and want to spend time with him when we can, i.e. when he doesn’t change his mind about our plans.

he did call later in the afternoon today, about 24 hrs after he left me to go home to his parents leaving me stranded on 3rd avenue on upper east side.  i told him i wanted to talk to him when i was upset, even when he’s the person who upset me, and that it upsets me that he didn’t call to see how i was doing.  he didn’t call, he said because one of my e-mails really hurt his feelings and he felt i said things that were not warranted.  it seems it’s too much to ask for you to consider my feelings, i wrote.  i was expressing how hurt i felt that he didn’t seem to consider my feelings.  he heard me accuse him of not caring for my feelings at all.

do i deserve better?  if so, i deserve better from the person i love and want to be with.  who cares if a person would treat me with utmost respect if i don’t want to be with that person?  but why do i want to be with this person who doesn’t always treat me the way i know i deserve to be treated?  is it lack of self-respect?  do i not believe that anyone else would treat me better?  in the end, i love my boyfriend and want to be there for him and want him to be there for me.  love makes you do pretty crazy things, even stay with someone when they hurt you and make you cry in front of your girlfriends.  and yes, i do deserve better.  we all do.

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oh boy

i did what i promised my sister i wouldn’t do as my niece gets on the bus. she loves me. 🙂 it’s so fun buying stuff for my niece too.

so the reason why this blog is called “oh boy.” i was talking to my sister about my boyfriend and me. somehow we ended up talking about different languages of love. so i think i know some one loves me if i’m with them. anyway, i think my boyfriend and i don’t communicate the same way about how we feel about each other.

love of my life

i nearly broke into tears last night while my bf was talking about one of his ex-girlfriends who he refers to as the love of his life. it never used to bother me before that he talked about her or that he talked about her as the love of his life. i know he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore, and that it has been a while since the break-up and all. i got pangs of pain in my heart though while he talked about her last night. i wondered would he ever talk about me the way he talks about her? and not because i’m being all insecure about myself, but based on the way he talks about her and the way he interacts with me, i just don’t think i would ever be the love of his life. i don’t think he would ever say so, at least not right now even if he knew it himself. so only time will tell (me) whether he would or could ever be in love with me the way he was in love with her. some times you just get a gut feeling about things, you know? and i got a feeling in my gut/heart that i would never be the love of his life the way she was to him. no wonder i wanted to cry. he’s the love of my life.

he loves me, he loves me not

i find it curiously strange that even after my bf told me that he loves me that i still wonder from time to time: does he love me or does he not love me? in those moments, i’m not even sure how i would know if he loved me or not or what it would mean if he loved me or didn’t love me. of course there are moments when i feel like i’m putting in more effort than he is. then times when it seems like he’s on turbo drive and i’m just coasting.

about six months ago, around the time my bf and i met and started dating, i was way way more depressed. i was in and out of hospitals and on and off on suicidal ideation. miraculously, coincidentally or even mysteriously, since my bf and i have been dating, i just stopped cold turkey on suicidal ideation or attempts. i didn’t get better all in one day. there was still another hospitalization after we started dating. but in the past six months, i have never, not really anyway, wanted to end my life forever and for good.

i think people just get greedy. i’m no exception to that observation. i was happy enough to be recovering from depression with the support of my new bf. i was excited to be feeling happy and having things to look forward to. i had to get used to not being depressed. i had to re-think how to live my life instead of trying to end my life. and along the way, plenty of times i thought to myself, i can’t believe have a boyfriend? i can’t believe he cares about me enough to listen to me and try to make me feel better when i’m crying…etc.

i can’t say i am moving to nyc for my boyfriend. but it’s true, if he wasn’t in nyc i’m not sure my sister and i would be moving there. we might have moved to somewhere in california or seattle where my sister keeps telling me that she has a guaranteed position. what ever the facts or reasons are for moving to ny, it feels like a huge step in the relationship between me and my bf. we’ll be able to date like many others when they live in close proximity.

but then what? i know how to deal with break-ups. i know how to package break-ups so skillfully that the guy feels like he wanted to break up with me. but i have no idea what happens when day in and day out, two people care and love each other and are better in the relationship than not. honestly i can say that i am a better me with my bf in my life. it’s something about how he conveys that he believes in me that i can recover from depression, that i can get out of bed, that i can clean my room or even do dishes or laundry instead of others stepping into help me out. and it’s something about the way he tells me that i am good at what i do and that i should pursue it more. how can you not love someone who loves you and believes in you? how can you not be a better “you” with someone in your life who is supportive and loving?

all this is new territory, making relationships work and staying in a relationship through good and bad days. all my life i have tried to stay out of relationships and to end it before it got too serious for me. and now that i’m in a relationship that i want to be in with someone i want to be with, i don’t want to break up. i don’t want to make him think that he wants to break up with me. i’m not afraid of things getting serious. i want things to get serious, whatever that entails. i’m in for the long-haul, for better or worse for however long it lasts, i just want to be here and in love with the person who helped me to get out of the most horrifying depths of depression.

one day left in korea

maybe the only word that fits the way i feel is “bitter sweet” i want to go home at last, my home in boston. but it was great seeing my parents and spending lots and lots of time with my brother. we contemplated about going on a short trip to India but didn’t act on it so our inaction decided for us. 🙂

it’s been difficult to communicate with my bf, obviously. when you’re single and wondering who likes you or who doesn’t like you and who you like and who you don’t like, the name of the game is certainty, right? you think someone is or might be interested. ooooh how life would be so easy if he/she would just come right out and say so?

my bf and i started dating each other exclusive fairly early from when we met. became bg & gf officially near the end of the first month of dating. what i want to say is that even though we have this official status as bf and gf, if we don’t get to talk for a while i still need way of communicating that he still loves me. it’s quite different, isn’t it? knowing someone loves you vs hearing them say ILY or having them do things that shout out i love you!

i think i definitely respond more with verbal affirmations. it’s just the kind of person i am. love hugs and kisses, and everything else, but would like to hear other person say or do things that speak ILY to me clearly and loudly! boy, i wish my bf were reading my blogs, but i don’t think he is. hehe

nrb (karaoke) for 3 hrs – un/requited love

this past weekend, i was visiting my bf and we went to no-rae-bang (aka nrb = karaoke) for 3 hours!  it was just the two of us.  that means each of us sang for about an hour and a half.  mind you, neither of us are part of a choir or anything like that.  i can’t remember the last time i was at nrb!

it was so sweet that my bf sang couple songs to me in korean.  🙂  i took a break from dating for about ten years before i met my current bf so it’s really strange not to be single.  it’s so nice and absolutely lovely that someone (someone i like) likes me and wants to be with me (at the same time i want to be with them)!  always always in the past it’s bad timing or some variation of unrequited love on either party.  mostly i would lose interest in about a month.  so i warned my bf too when we started dating that i expire in about a month in a relationship.

it’s really strange i must say.  all the phobias i have about intimacy, commitment and whatever else just disappeared.  not scared to get to know someone really well.  not scared someone is getting to know me really well.  not scared that he won’t like me the more he get to know me.  and more and more interested everyday as i get to know him better.  i mean, is this why people stay in one relationship for a long long time?  never knew why people would do such a crazy thing.  think i’m experiencing why anyone would.  🙂

so i’m wondering, i mean, i think the honey-moon stage lasted the first time we had to really figure out now to communicate better.  i wanted to just get off the phone and sleep.  he didn’t want me to just walk away from things we were talking about.  usually i just walk out on the relationship all together, let alone carry out the conversation to the end.  but somehow we talked it through, managed to end feeling better than when we started talking about stuff that was upsetting to both of us, and felt closer (at least on my end) than before too.  but do things really stay this good?  ok, granted it’s not always up and up and up and i’m not constantly experiencing feelings of happiness or ecstasy.  but for the most part, i feel good being with my current bf than not.  i think we’re both better with each other than we are alone or with other people we might be dating.

so anyway, plenty of things to blog about now even though my depression isn’t so crazy bad anymore.  after about 7 yrs of hard-core depression and constant battle with suicidal ideation, being happy for an enduring period of time of any length is just so strange.  i feel like i’m living someone else’s life!  i know i’m not.  i know it’s my life that has taken an absolutely amazing turn for the better.  and that my bf really knows me well, especially at my worst, and still is interested in me and loves me.  but man, talk about radical acceptance!  there are times when i wonder if all of it is really real!  🙂