do i deserve better?

last night (0r was it this afternoon), my girlfriend and i were telling each other that we deserve better.  exact words were, we deserve to be adored!  the context of the conversation is me waiting for my bf to call me after blowing off our plans last night to be with family.  things are actually more complicated than that, but that’s how i felt at the moment.  i wrote him an e-mail after he left to say how sad i was we didn’t get to hang out.  he wrote back saying he was sorry.  i liked how the e-mail started.  then he went on for two three paragraphs explaining how he was doing the right thing by changing his mind and choosing not to spend time with me.  he was going home to break fast with his family.  he was fasting for good reasons.  can you blame him?  well, i can blame him.  sure i can.  he didn’t explain why he wanted to spend the evening with his family instead of spending the evening with me as we had planned.  and when he did, it was in defense of his action without acknowledging how his actions made me feel so sad.

i am starting to wonder two things:  why do i love this person so much when he upsets me so much and why don’t i just date my girlfriends instead when my girlfriends understand me so much better and actually call to check up on me while my boyfriend is MIA?

is love overrated?  i don’t always get treated the way i would like to by my boyfriend.  but all in all, i love this person who changes his mind and doesn’t think of me first.  i have a “girl-crush” (to borrow my friend’s words) on my girl friend with whom i was commiserating with last night and this afternoon while my boyfriend wouldn’t return my phone calls.  but against my better judgment, perhaps, i miss my boyfriend and want to spend time with him when we can, i.e. when he doesn’t change his mind about our plans.

he did call later in the afternoon today, about 24 hrs after he left me to go home to his parents leaving me stranded on 3rd avenue on upper east side.  i told him i wanted to talk to him when i was upset, even when he’s the person who upset me, and that it upsets me that he didn’t call to see how i was doing.  he didn’t call, he said because one of my e-mails really hurt his feelings and he felt i said things that were not warranted.  it seems it’s too much to ask for you to consider my feelings, i wrote.  i was expressing how hurt i felt that he didn’t seem to consider my feelings.  he heard me accuse him of not caring for my feelings at all.

do i deserve better?  if so, i deserve better from the person i love and want to be with.  who cares if a person would treat me with utmost respect if i don’t want to be with that person?  but why do i want to be with this person who doesn’t always treat me the way i know i deserve to be treated?  is it lack of self-respect?  do i not believe that anyone else would treat me better?  in the end, i love my boyfriend and want to be there for him and want him to be there for me.  love makes you do pretty crazy things, even stay with someone when they hurt you and make you cry in front of your girlfriends.  and yes, i do deserve better.  we all do.

relationships are complicated

oh who would have guess it?  i sure could not have.  after two weeks of break, my boyfriend and i got back together.  i know how we broke up.  i’m not exactly sure how we got back together except that we both wanted to.  i mean, i think all the reasons for breaking up are still valid.  but it was also true that we missed each other and still cared about each other.  so there you have it.  “life is an interesting journey,” and relationships are complicated!

sooner or later

Someone commented on my last blog that dating and not dating at the same time (to different groups of people, etc.) was fine for a while but that it got annoying.  For me, it wasn’t annoying as much as undermining self-respect!  I couldn’t figure out what I really wanted.  So I wrote things out.  I heard the voice in me that was there all along.  I want to be in a relationship with someone who accepts me, respects me and can and is proud to tell others that he is dating me!  Bottom line is this: I want to date someone who could marry me, not that I have to get married or that I have to marry the guy I’m dating at the time, but I sure don’t want to be in a relationship where a long-term relationship is ruled out!  It was bound to happen sooner or later that I come to my senses and declare myself single again which feels very self-affirming and I am very much at peace with it.  One thing I know about relationships still holds true: it’s better being single than being in a “bad” relationship.  I feel hopeful and happy.  🙂

dating not dating

yes. and no. i always find myself in situations where i’m in a relationship where i can’t tell everyone that i am dating! so yes i’m dating. and no i’m not dating! i guess the answer depends on who you are. it’s not just the answer that is confusing. i feel like i’m dating and also like i am not dating. it’s not morally wrong for us to date. it just would upset a lot of people that we are dating. so much energy goes into not dating publicly. it’s ridiculous. and yet, it is my life at the moment.

missing you

i said i miss you.
he asked, what do you mean?
i said, i wish i could see you. …
later he said, i wish you were here. but, you are not. oh well.

so i searching for a definition for missing you. closest i can find was the concept of missing the presence of someone. but the definition had a sense of absence that was at least temporarily something that could not be changed. more than just, i miss you. see you tomorrow type of sentiment.

so then i searched the web for quotations that expressed what i was trying to say. best i could come up with was this…

Sonnet 43

When most I wink, then do mine eyes best see,
For all the day they view things unrespected;

But when I sleep, in dreams they look on thee,

And darkly bright, are bright in dark directed.

Then thou, whose shadow shadows doth make bright,

How would thy shadow’s form form happy show

To the clear day with thy much clearer light,
When to unseeing eyes thy shade shines so!

How would, I say, mine eyes be blessed made

By looking on thee in the living day,

When in dead night thy fair imperfect shade

Through heavy sleep on sightless eyes doth stay!

All days are nights to see till I see thee

And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me.

–William Shakespeare

when your wishes come true

sometimes you wish for something. and one day you get what you wished for. i’m having one of those experiences. i am getting to know someone better as he is getting to know me better. and as much as i hoped to meet someone who would actually care about what i think and actually see me, i am surprised that this is happening! what do you do when you finally meet someone who is starting to know you well enough to know what makes you hurt and what makes you laugh? it’s hard finding someone who “gets” you. but now that someone actually “gets” me, things are more complicated rather than being easier. i honestly think long-term relationship is out of the question more for his sake than for mine… i just want to be here for a while. i mean here’s someone who actually likes that i have a mind of my own. he actually likes me. he likes the person that i am right now, not someone he wishes i’ll become or the person i used to be. that feels really amazing. but i’m afraid if i stay too long, my heart will make decisions that my head should be making!