quite an unusual day

since i got out of the hospital (basically since the last post), i have been traveling a lot. it’s good that i was traveling since i am not sure i would have done any better at home. i saw family and friends and was kept busy, meaning not contemplating or deliberating on how to gracefully exit my life. somehow after the last hospitalization, i came to terms with the fact that depression is something i have to live with, work around, and accept, for now at least, if not the rest of my life. then i started thinking that if the rest of my life is going to be like how it’s been in the past six years, that i would much rather not sign up for more. then recently, parts of the puzzle i’ve been thinking of when i was not feeling well started coming together. i decided that if there is a next time i attempt to end my life, that i will be more successful.

for a brief period during the hopelessness, i started looking forward to life like i had never done before as i was getting to know someone. i never met anyone that i wasn’t afraid of getting to know better, spending more time together and it was strange but really nice. anyway, it was a brief but lovely pause in my ongoing dark hopeless days.

so as i saw the end of my life approaching, sooner or later but probably sooner rather than later, i wanted to prepare for the end. and most of the time when i am alone, which also seems to be times when i’m not feeling good, i try to make progress on planning my last attempt. as i have been consumed with thinking and planning about the end, i told a couple of friends and my psychiatrist. yes i did.

incidentally, my psychiatrist is planning to retire sometime in the near future. so she wanted me to find another psychiatrist so i could start transitioning as smoothly as possible while she was still working. and now she hopes that the new therapist will be able to do something different, say something different than she was able to and hopefully facilitate my recovery. last time we talked, she mentioned ECT (electro convulsive therapy) for about the third or fourth time and seemed quite upset that i wasn’t even willing to talk to someone to gather more data about ECT. as far as i can tell, we’re going to try one more medicine. then as she sees it, ECT is the only thing we haven’t tried and would be the next on the treatment plan, so long as i was willing.

after i talked to her, i did some data gathering on the internet. for most people whose depression is medicine resistant, ECT treatments are pretty effective for relieving symptoms of depression. so i can see how ECT would be recommended for people when relieving them from depression seems urgent enough (like if a person is planning to commit suicide).

but at what cost? it seems like keeping someone alive would trumph any other considerations. most people just have short term memory loss and confusion for weeks or months. but some people lose long term memory and even some cognitive capacities. i agree that a lot of people would be protected from the grief of losing a loved one, if someone is kept alive by ECT treatments. but as for me, i don’t know if i would choose life over death if the quality of life wasn’t good physically, mentally and/or emotionally. if i had to choose, i would choose to live as me, with or without pain and suffering. so i figure ECT treatments are out, unless someone forces me, like a judge for instance.

everyday since i got out of the hospital, i think, breathe, obsess about finally exiting and being spared from depression. on some days, it’s painful to be conscious. but today, for some mysterious reason, i did not think about the end of my life. today, i thought about what i would do for the rest of the day and found myself hoping to accomplish things in my life which i thought i no longer cared about! i don’t know how long i will stay hopeful and free of pain. all i know is that today, even in this very moment, i am living life, not as i had done before when i was just waiting for the end of my life, but living life as though i will live tomorrow looking forward to the next day and the day after that and the day after that.

update on my friend

my friend thought she had to take meds for a week and get blood work to see if there are abnormal cell growth.  but she realized the other day that she is supposed to take meds for 6 weeks then get blood work done.  she seems quite at peace and not really scared.  i think i am more scared for her than she is about herself.  the blood test at the end of 6 weeks may just be one of the many tests to come.  or not.  she’s probably wise not to worry too much right now.  they have already done a test and then told her she needs this additional test.  so in my mind this next blood test is rather important.

crisis mode can only hold up for so long. and i’m trying to be supportive and understanding one day at a time.  even though my friend says she’s not worried, i can see that she is making choices about how she spends her time more carefully.  i would do the same.  but shouldn’t we all do that all the time?  none of us know how long we are going to live for sure.  so we should do things that matter to us now, not put them off thinking that we can get to them later.  who knows?  maybe later won’t come.  all that to say, we should live, really live in the moment.  🙂

major trigger

since my visit with the psychopharm, i have had major intrusive thoughts about how to effectively kill myself.  friday night i was thinking about death and saturday i kept thinking of different ways to final exit.  then one of the groups today we did a behavioral analysis of the urges i had over the weekend.  after the group i got in touch with the urges and now i don’t know what to do!  i’m listening to music in order to not think about things.

meaninglessness

life still seems meaningless. but the intensity of that feeling/thought has decreased. i talked to a doctor today who suggested that my chronic depression may not be so chronic. i’m not sure what she meant by that. i think she meant that i didn’t really want to die. it’s true that i am not actively wanting to kill myself. i’m just not sure that i want to live.

since i cannot die

i live because  i cannot die.  well, it’s not entirely true that i cannot die.  i’m sure i could die. it’s just that i don’t want to live.  my depression seems to be getting worse.  the psych medicine i’m on seems to have stopped working.  i have been to the hospital too many times.  it’s pathetic really.  i can’t make a final exit that is too obvious.  i’ll have to choose a discrete way of dying.  i wouldn’t want anyone who knows me to find me dead.  no one should be able to conclude that i chose the final exit.  it will have to be a smart way to exit.  i’ll have to plan out the details carefully.  in the meantime i’ll have to live.  but i live because i cannot die, at least not yet.

in memory

i’m sad to say that there has been a death in our extended family.  extended family is family and the sadness is real.

it’s weird being alive. i mean, really it is weird being alive. it’s so weird that the living go on living. what can we do but to go on living? the most we can do in order to honor the dead is to go on living.

about twenty years ago around this time, my friend committed suicide. and what i remember, aside from fear and sadness that i felt was being aware that i wasn’t dead. i thought, she would no longer come to my house, we would never do homework together, and she would never turn sixteen. for years i was haunted by her death. year after year when i went back to the town in which i grew up, i would visit her grave. and when i stood at her grave, looking down at the headstone, i wasn’t just over come with sadness but also with perhaps guilt that i was alive. with each milestone in my life i would think, she never turned eighteen, then later i would think, she never turned twenty one, thirty, so on. i can’t say that i miss her now. but i do remember her and still love her.

what if she hadn’t decided to kill herself…what would she be doing now? would we still be friends? would she be a mom like my sister? would she have been a career woman?

no one will ever know.

i was already depressed at the time my friend committed suicide. her death somehow prevented me from acting on my thoughts of escaping from this world. it seems inappropriate to be thankful to her death that helped me live. truth is, on most days, i’m not thankful to be alive. i just live, because i am alive. i should be grateful to be alive. i am thankful but yet i wonder, when will i be able to rest?

it’s funny how visiting family reminds me that these people, my family, especially my nieces and nephews, expect me to live. especially my nieces and nephews who don’t understand death wouldn’t think twice that i would visit them the next chance i could manage to see them. and i want to see them grow up, go to college, get married, have kids, etc., etc.

i really think that the living can honor the dead best by going on living, the best they know how. rest in peace… we can’t join you in death, but you will always be in our hearts and in our memories.

reality check

someone in my extended family is dying. it really made me sad to hear about it. his health has been failing for a while now…

when you think about your loved ones and perhaps even when imagining the death of your loved ones, the imagination may fail us. what we imagine might be some what abstract. that’s how it is for me when i imagine a world in which i am not a part of.

my fight is to keep myself from killing myself. i live in someways because i cannot die. but today, a little while ago, it really hit home for me that there are people who are really dying, not by choice. while in somewhat immature and crazy ways i think of ending the pain in my life by dying an early death, others are trying to stay alive, if not for themselves than for their loved ones.

i don’t know that i will always feel this way – but at this moment, i’m really sorry. i’m truly sorry for trying to take my life time and time again when i’m young and healthy. i realize at this moment that people are supposed to live and to try to live, the best they can, for as long as they can.

i knew him not that well and have seen him only a few times. he was always nice and gentle, thoughtful and caring. he’s still alive so i don’t mean to speak as if he isn’t. but things being as serious as they are, i just want to express that in the short time i knew him, and in the brief encounters we have had, he is a man who lives/ed and loves/ed greatly, and he will never be forgotten in the hearts of those who love him.

my deepest, most heart felt condolences to my extended family…