time limit

i was feeling depressed all day yesterday and this morning. my thoughts were too dark to utter out loud to anyone except maybe to a therapist. since i don’t have a therapist right now, well, i didn’t really get to say what was on my mind. i tried to contain the thoughts and feelings inside me and prevent it from leading to self destructive acts. i haven’t felt this bad in a long long time. both the duration and intensity of how i was feeling was way more than i had experienced in about 6 months to a year. mostly because my mom is visiting me, there really was nothing i could do. so after being held to my bed as prisoner all day and all night and all morning, i came to the conclusion that enough is enough. time limit is up. no can do on feeling depressed any more for this week. i have a sermon to write, studying to do and preparations for new job coming up in few weeks. so for today at least i’m done being depressed. i don’t know how long my will power can keep dark thoughts from returning. i guess i’ll find out soon enough whether i’m successful or not.

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what in the world?

two days ago, i slept all day and had a headache. i thought i was just tired. then the next day, i felt weak, achy all over and at times felt dizzy when i got up. what in the world is going on? because i’m on psych-meds and also pre-diabetes meds, i can’t tell what medicine is causing what or if i’m sick! to make matters more annoying than anything else, this morning, the third day of being dragged down by physical ailments, my back started to hurt again.

my psychiatrist wanted me to decrease dose of wellbutrin (my primary antidepressant) to see decrease in dose of wellbutrin would make me less anxious. so i took smaller dose for couple days. then when i was in bed for the second day and feeling dizzy, i took the pill i skipped to make up the normal dose of wellbutrin just in case what i was experiencing was due to withdrawal symptoms of wellbutrin. i was getting nauseous too but the redsox game last night went on for over four hours and i kept myself distracted by watching the redsox lose a game they should have won!!!

so am i sick? am i taking too much pre-diabetic meds? my doctor seems to think lowering hemoglobin A1c will keep diabetes away. but i just read some blogs that stated that lowering hemoglobin A1c with medication might come at the cost of increased rate of death if tight control of hemoglobin A1c with medicine causes hypoglycemia while patient is driving or doing other kinds of activity where alertness is matter of life and death.

sigh. hello, i’m still in my thirties. just as i’m coming out of depression, did i really need to be dealt pre-diabetes!!! ok the lack of exercise and poor diet might have contributed and i would take full responsibility except when you’re depressed, you don’t really care what happens to your life, you know???

hmmm wait a minute

i don’t really know why. i thought when i started working that i had to appear all put together. but in these blogs i had been completely honest and at times maybe even too honest? but i realized after reading a blog from a member of our church that there can be no anonymity to my story because it isn’t mine to keep private but testimony to God’s working and healing in my life. when i look back on the posts i have written, it’s such a relief that i don’t feel the way i used to feel. i had been too depressed to have hope or to think things could be any different. but God showed me the impossible was possible. i haven’t been hospitalized in about a year which is the longest stretch of time i have gone since getting depressed in 2002! praise the Lord!

i wonder if things i wrote and will be writing are age appropriate for youth group members…but then i realize as far back as i can remember i was unhappy…help didn’t come soon enough…hope was all too far out of reach…and if i could have known when i was younger that i didn’t have to feel that way, that God could and would help me, my life would have been totally different…and i think over time this blog will be helpful to those who are struggling with depression, despair, hopelessness, etc. so i’m not deleting any posts i wrote.

when i was in high school, a close friend of mine died before reaching age 16. she ran away from home and possibly took her own life. would she have been too young to read posts i have written where i am writing from place of pain and suffering that she would have identified with? if she could read any one of my posts and find hope that her life might be different if she could just hold on, i mean, if i would bring her back through anything i could do i would. but i can’t bring her back to life. but maybe other people who are feeling hopeless and lost might find encouragement that as badly depressed as i was that i am no longer feeling that way. i didn’t think i would live to see this day…but slowly but surely, God healed me.

my dad always said when i recover that i would be able to help others who are suffering as i had suffered. every time i heard that, i couldn’t believe that day would ever come. but now it has. and so here’s hoping and praying that any of the things i wrote gives hope rather than discouragement to others who feel lost, hopeless, depressed, suicidal… it’s something of a miracle actually. so i can only think God healed me. about a year and a half ago, my psychiatrist had lost hope that i could get better. she thought ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) was the only hope i had left. i didn’t believe her then and i certainly don’t believe her now. the only hope i had was in God, not ECT. maybe for some people ECT is what will improve their chronic depression. but for me, it wasn’t.

so anyway, long story short, blogs on this site have been written with honesty that might reveal emotions and thoughts that may be shocking. it’s all true. i lived through it. and i’m here. i made it to the other side. and when i couldn’t make it on my own, i had help from others, prayers, encouragements, hospital visits, phone calls, e-mails… thank you.

the other shoe

i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. i’ve been going out with my bf for about 8 months now. and things are fine, more or less. i’m doing a lot better over all. successfully moved and starting to settle into new place in nyc. don’t really miss boston too much. but then was i waiting for something bad to happen? for a while everything was perfect, well almost perfect. then i started crying on consecutive days and not due to my reproductive cycle, thank you very much. and couldn’t stop crying even when my bf was with me.

so all that to say, is happiness really only a phantom of the imagination? maybe it’s something disney and hallmark and the marketing people at various places conjured up so they could sell movies, cards, chocolates, flowers, etc.

i was always unhappy. i was depressed. totally utterly in despair. that i can deal with. well, except when things got really worse then i couldn’t cope anymore. so then when i started feeling better after 5-6 years of really bad depression, i was skeptical at first. many changes took place that could explain why i was feeling better. i stopped working with the therapist i had for about 5 + years without miraculous improvement or anything. doctors on my treatment team tweaked with my medication. i started dating my current bf. i hadn’t dated anyone in over ten years before i started dating him. i mean, i dated. but i didn’t have a boyfriend for i don’t even know how long actually.

spring of 2002 to end of 2008 (my second depression episode) utterly sucked. only thing that was going to make it worse was to be treated with ECT (eletro convulsive therapy). my old psychiatrist recommended that and was banking that ECT was my only hope of coming out of deep deep depression. well, i wasn’t going to have my brain fried. so i fired her. moved on to a new therapist, new psycho-pharmacologist, and continued on with DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). well, for about a good 8 months i had consecutive days of non-suicidal ideation or urges which had never happened before since the depression of 2002 started.

lately, however, after months and months of not wanting to die anymore, i can smell it in the air. the muse which beckons me to death, to take matters into my own hands, it is slowly but surely making her move on me. past couple weeks, i cried, overdosed mildly couple of times, drank, and thought about whether there is really a point to my life after all. yes. the question that i could not get out of my head for about 6 years, not even for a single day, it came back to me. and i started wondering, what’s the point? why work so hard at recovery? why try so hard to feel better? it’s not going to last anyway. life sucks, right? and being depressed and feeling pain and suffering in life sucks even more!

so today i told my psycho-pharmacologist that i’ve been thinking about what’s the point of my life. i told her i had been dancing with suicidal thoughts. maybe for now it’s enough just to admit that i’m unhappy. being happy for the 8 months or so, well, maybe absence of utter despair is like happiness. but now as i’m feeling better, it isn’t good enough just not to feel pain. i want to have a meaningful life. yes, i want to have a life worth living. a life worth staying alive for. not sure i’m there yet. or that i’ll ever get there.

is it time to give up again? i’m not sure. all i know for sure is that while in the past i was happy just to see my bf, now i cry even when he is there. i cry because i want more. i don’t just want to hang out, i want some kind of certainty that things mean something. i’m not happy just to read some articles here and there, or to just send applications out even on slim chance that someone might look at my resume. i want a job. i want to go back to school.

but wanting things, that’s what leads to disappointment and pain. so i decided i think, subconsciously, not to want any of it anymore. so again i am where i was before this bit of relief found me after years of stormy darkness. i don’t want to be here anymore if being here means i’ll be unhappy and if it means i live to testify to the happiness i don’t have.

not-happy but not depressed either

i’m not proud of what i’ve done in the past 24-48 hours. i finished my week’s work of meds i need when i feel anxious. i drank vodka straight out of the bottle which i’ve only seen serious alcoholics do. i felt the need to drink more when i finished all the alcohol that was in the house. i vaguely remember calling up a friend i don’t talk to all the time and asking if he would donate some alcohol to our household. man, the fact is i am not even sure if i really did call him or not. it all feels like a dream.

last night, i really felt like i didn’t care about anything. when i’m feeling better i usually miss my nieces and my bf. this past weekend, i didn’t really miss anyone. i just wanted to hide in a dark room and not come out.

damn it

i should know by now. i really should. but i don’t. i have been hoping and cautiously holding back on worrying that i might feel hopeless or depressed again. and wow the darn depression monster does not die easily. it kicks and fights even when it’s down. yesterday and today, basically i have been self-medicating… the way i’m supposed to use prescription medicine and skills learned in one-one and group therapy, well nothing was coming close to helping me to feel better.

once not too many months ago i took more than a handful of pills i wasn’t supposed to take. i didn’t even know where i was, what i had said, or done. when i came too, i was at a brand new hospital with brand new doctors and all i could tell was that i must have tripped a few times without feeling the pain even.

last night and this morning, of course i drank. of course i took prescribed medicine in ways not prescribed to me by my psychopharm. all that’s been done already. what i am contemplating now is what to do with a small bottle of alcohol that keeps staring at me. i would normally mix it with someone to help it go down. but today i think i might just down it by itself.

i’ve always had a hard time letting others know when or that i need help. if i call someone and say i don’t feel good and take the chance of totally making myself vulnerable, i mean, they can just say i’m too busy, right? would i be imposing on my friend/family a burden by unloading my feelings, thoughts, urges unto them and sharing my life? i know that theoretically people would say, oh no, we do care, we love you, we want to help. but case in point: sister i live with once told me if given the option, she would rather know less than more and only on need to know bases. think my present plans to pursue on-going self-medication does not fit the description of what she wants to know. if i need an ambulance, then she would need to know and i will tell her.

funny thing is, i’m not even feeling depressed. i just want to be put out. people are so kind to animals, aren’t they? if the animal experiences unnecessary pain such that there is no possibility of improving the quality of life, most people can decide quickly that for the benefit of their pet, yes, doc put him/her at peace.

damn it. i swear in many ways we treat our pets better than we treat ourselves!

irony

even when things are going well, it’s possible to feel like nothing is going well.  and i know that it’s all a matter of perspective.  well, i’m having problems with the perspective thing.  i’m feeling sad, inadequate, and lots of guilt.  sure enough i have a medical condition, i need help of others at times to stay safe.  but i don’t want to be like this.  i hate that i need others to babysit me.  i hate that people worry about me and need to check up on me.  i hate that my doctor can’t trust me with a newly filled bottle of prescription medicine.  i hate that i need group therapy as well as individual therapy.  most of all i hate the fact that i still am not able to contract for safety 24/7.  because, on days like this when i feel extremely sad, probably over nothing warranting this kind of sadness, i just want to escape.  i’m over the i want to end my life phase.  but still there are days i just want to check out temporarily even if i no longer want a permanent escape.  so i’m contemplating a little escape for myself right here right now to extend the night into the day, for as long as i can to stay in deep sleep without interruption of being woken up in the morning.