nrb (karaoke) for 3 hrs – un/requited love

this past weekend, i was visiting my bf and we went to no-rae-bang (aka nrb = karaoke) for 3 hours!  it was just the two of us.  that means each of us sang for about an hour and a half.  mind you, neither of us are part of a choir or anything like that.  i can’t remember the last time i was at nrb!

it was so sweet that my bf sang couple songs to me in korean.  🙂  i took a break from dating for about ten years before i met my current bf so it’s really strange not to be single.  it’s so nice and absolutely lovely that someone (someone i like) likes me and wants to be with me (at the same time i want to be with them)!  always always in the past it’s bad timing or some variation of unrequited love on either party.  mostly i would lose interest in about a month.  so i warned my bf too when we started dating that i expire in about a month in a relationship.

it’s really strange i must say.  all the phobias i have about intimacy, commitment and whatever else just disappeared.  not scared to get to know someone really well.  not scared someone is getting to know me really well.  not scared that he won’t like me the more he get to know me.  and more and more interested everyday as i get to know him better.  i mean, is this why people stay in one relationship for a long long time?  never knew why people would do such a crazy thing.  think i’m experiencing why anyone would.  🙂

so i’m wondering, i mean, i think the honey-moon stage lasted the first time we had to really figure out now to communicate better.  i wanted to just get off the phone and sleep.  he didn’t want me to just walk away from things we were talking about.  usually i just walk out on the relationship all together, let alone carry out the conversation to the end.  but somehow we talked it through, managed to end feeling better than when we started talking about stuff that was upsetting to both of us, and felt closer (at least on my end) than before too.  but do things really stay this good?  ok, granted it’s not always up and up and up and i’m not constantly experiencing feelings of happiness or ecstasy.  but for the most part, i feel good being with my current bf than not.  i think we’re both better with each other than we are alone or with other people we might be dating.

so anyway, plenty of things to blog about now even though my depression isn’t so crazy bad anymore.  after about 7 yrs of hard-core depression and constant battle with suicidal ideation, being happy for an enduring period of time of any length is just so strange.  i feel like i’m living someone else’s life!  i know i’m not.  i know it’s my life that has taken an absolutely amazing turn for the better.  and that my bf really knows me well, especially at my worst, and still is interested in me and loves me.  but man, talk about radical acceptance!  there are times when i wonder if all of it is really real!  🙂

So sad

I just watched the reader. And as with other movies I have watched recently, I felt really sad, cried and continued to feel sad after watching the movie. Maybe I just feel sad and realize it when I watch a movie that I am sad myself regardless of what is going on in the movie? Just feel like crying and crying. And want to just be put out of sadness. Just want the lights to go out.

when you least expect it

life is not fair by any means.  i don’t know how.  but i have been feeling pretty emotionally stable for about a week.  i started wondering, did the dark clouds above my head move on?  started wondering what i would do, what i could do if i continued to feel better.  but then today, just in the same way i started feeling good all of a sudden, i started feeling bad.  bad enough to want to eat lots of food to try to feel better.  and of course, eating sweet stuff does not make up for emotional deficit.  i know that.  but when nothing else seems to be working, i feel like i at least deserve to feel a little different, a little bit better, a little bit pampered by eating ice cream sundae, cinammon stix, chocolate, etc.

two of my medicine might contribute to weight gain.  two of my medicine might contribute to weight loss.  so all in all, it’s inactivity and eating for comfort that must be the reason for my recent weight gain.  i gained 10 pounds in the past couple months.  not so much and nothing to be alarmed about for most people.  but for my frame and my weight before gaining the 10 pounds, those 10 pounds, not good.  also when i start gaining weight, it’s really difficult to make the weight gain stop.  when i’m not gaining, i feel like i’m losing weight in someways.  right?  because i’m not gaining the weight i would be gaining which means somehow i am burning more calories than i did before or eating less.  think i cared less about my weight so long as i had clothes that fit me.  different story when you’re dating, right?  i mean, if you know that skinnier version of you is way cuter than what you look like now, and have been told by family members, friends, and boyfriend as well, how could you not feel not like you are not as attractive as you used to be?

anyway, i don’t know if it’s sunday blues like i felt bad on thursdays a few months ago.  last sunday i felt really crappy.  for the first time in months, i felt like not wanting to live.  and today, i’m not as far off the never never land, but i feel pretty crappy.  i have an exam that i have to pass in two days to get my graduate degree.  course work has been done for a year but i have to pass an exam to fulfill graduation requirements.  right now, i feel crappy enough that i really don’t care.  it’s just a degree, right?  have masters degrees already.  i mean, how many more alphabets do i need that follow my name?

feeling crappy is well, crappy.  ok i rarely resort to rated-R language.  but i feel shitty.  maybe i didn’t get enough sleep maybe i should have eaten dinner maybe i shouldn’t have had too much sugar.  anyway, for whatever reason, i feel like imploding.  which reminds me, i have other ways of washing away bad feelings!  hmmm  honestly forgot about other ways of coping!  ha!  ok gotta go.  absolut-ely gotta go!  🙂

changes, big changes

i haven’t updated in so long.  it’s hard to know where to even start.  when i don’t update for a while, i feel like there is so much to say i just don’t know where to start.

the biggest news of this year is that for the first time since spring of 2002, i have had about 5-6 weeks of complete absence of suicidal ideation!  sure i still get depressed and still cry.  and still have overdosed, last time being couple weeks ago, the most i ever over-dosed on any kind of pill.  but even when i have felt depressed, the intensity of the feeling has not been as oppressive.  i don’t think that i want to end my life and that to do so would be the only way to get out of the unbearable pain.

so what to attribute to this crazy improvement in my chronic depression?  i know one thing that played a major role is starting to date my boyfriend.  guess things happen when you least expect it.  so i wasn’t thinking chatting on-line with someone might actually lead to friendship, mutual respect and acceptance and as well romantic relationship.  i’ve dated plenty of times before.  actually i stopped dating in the past ten years or so to stop the crazy cycle of dating guys casually just because they were interested in dating me.  i had decided about ten years ago, that i would only date if/when i want to date and that i would want to date only someone i was interested in, liked, respected, and was attracted to.  i’m sure i had some combination of a list working in my head.  but when you meet someone in person, the list flies out the window, right?  because the real person is a real person, not a pre-made up package.

think it helped also that i had changed my therapist last october and am starting to make progress, i would like to think.

i was supposed to get new meds also.  did end up getting one new med in the hospital couple weeks ago.  but not the medicine i was supposed to go on.  my new psychopharm wants to put me on depakote.  but we haven’t been able to start up on it yet.  i am back on abilify, although the dose i’m on now is so little it could hardly make any difference.

so the rest of the world lives this way, right?  everyday living life without actively or passively trying to figure out how to end their life?  trying to figure out a good time when one might actually proceed with the plan.  and trying to figure out to what extent and what things one could do before their last day to help the loved ones when you know they are going to be in tremendous grief and sadness as a direct result of what you are about to do?

the world and life, all of it, it’s not fair or easy.  no one says that it is.  but still, the first time i woke up after my antidepressants kicked in, i felt elated, not because of how i felt from the medicine but to feel like i wasn’t chained down and weighed down so that maybe at some point during the day, i might be able to come up for air so to speak.  i realized that day that most people start their day off at my high point of the day which i sometimes don’t even make it to.  then their days just go up or down from there.  i felt both liberated and betrayed.  how come rest of the world has it so easy?  as if they have perfect vision and had it all their lives.  i had only discovered that the blurriness of the things i see was not how things really are for rest of the world.

likewise, to live a tremendously long period of time (in my life 6 weeks free of suicidal ideation is like an eternity!) not trying to kill myself, i hardly know what to do with all the time and energy that is left over!  so anyway, 6 weeks of “sobriety” from suicidal urges/ideation/attempt.  then what was the bad bad overdose two weeks ago?  really have no idea.  but i was not trying to not wake up forever.  i just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep until i could wait out the storm.  i was hoping that when i would wake up from the sleep that i would not feel so bad, so scared, so nervous, so worried, and so sad.

loving it!

i don’t think i was doing that great for a while.  i didn’t go out to meet people.  i only would leave my room/apartment for therapy and gym.  i stopped going to all church related events.  i was hyberhating.  i want to say i was recharing.  but i don’t think i was.  i was just hiding from the world so i wouldn’t have to really live my life.

then last monday (dec 22) i had reservation to flly out to california.  i didn’t want to disappoint my cousins and nieces and nephews again.  i cancelled my trip ou to california last time i was supposed to visit.  the moms (my cousins) told me how upset their eldest kids were (my oldest niece and nephew).  i felt so bad that i let them down.  i felt even worse that it seemed out of my control to feel well enough to go on the trip.

i don’t know that i’m feeling better and if bettter, i don’t feel much better.  but anyway, at the last minute i finally got out of bed to start packing.  i didn’t have clean clothes.  i thought i could do my laundry sometime over the weekend.  but everyday i would think, i’ll do it tomorrow.  so i packed my laundry, took a shower, and eat something.  then when i finally got to the airport my plane was delayed 4  hours!  by the time i arrived in california, i was ready to just collapse which was good becasue that meant that my brain was ready to shut down.

i’m staying at my cousin’s house which they just moved into.  they had bought a sofabed for me in time for me to be able to use it on my last trip (which didn’t happen).  and they really made a triumphant effort to furnish their new house before i came.  the guest room is perfect.  it’s on the other end of the house separated by family room and kitchen.  i have a bathroom on this side of the house.  wow i couldn’t have asked for a better place to stay and feel like home, while i am away from home.  i mean it’s better than my room back in boston.  it’s clean, it’s spacious, lots of sun, and there’s plenty of food in the house all the time!

i keep myself busy, playing with the kids, then i just retreat to my room and find stuff to do on the internet.  i seem to have found my own personal trainer on the west coast too!  my cousin’s husband (who is also my friend), takes me along when he goes exercising.  and when i take in more calories than i need, he gives me a look.  and that look doesn’t stop me from eating, but it makes me think twice before take a bite of icecream, or wahtever sweet stuff i am about to indulge in!  at costco yesterday, i wanted to buy buy a whole cheesecake, but both my cousin’s husband and my niece said, No!  it’s not on the list!  so i was promised one slice of cheesecake whwen i burn off enough calories in the next few days.  i walked/jogged about 3-4 miles past two days.  and my new-westcoast-trainer is going to take me to a gym or a hiking trail and set me in motion.  🙂

life sucks.  that hasn’t changed.  evennow, if i am given the choice of signing off now or living until old old age to die of natural death, i would choose to sign off right now without a blink!  bug since no one is really offering to put me out of misery (i’m sure if i were an animal, someone would be willing to put me out of my misery.  but since i’m a human being, it gets all complicated to get help to bring my life to an end!), i try to do things, and only things that i want to do (it works for the most part).

for some reason, i am constantly tired and feel sleep deprived even though i am getting enough sleep and am not doing anything really.  so i guess i won’t be planning my funeral service right now.  mayber i’ll get back to it later, maybe next year.  i mean, doesn’t every one deserve a nice funeral service?

roller coaster ride of my life

my last post was written on a good day.  i was able to get out and was motivated to get some work done.  but there is no smooth sailing in my life with depression.  past two weekends, i mostly stayed in my room and stayed inside the apartment (with the exception of last saturday night when i went out to dinner with a friend).  i’ve been having somewhat regular problem with sleeping at night.  for instance, this past week, for three straight nights i didn’t sleep at night at all.  in the morning, say around 8 or 9 am, i tried to get about an hour or two of sleep.  this past weekend, i stopped corresponding with friends and family through phone and e-mail.  i talked to one of my sisters a few times during the course of the weekend since we live together.

i just came back from therapy.  i find that i look forward to my therapy sessions.  my therapist makes sure i know that he is my advocate.  he listens and sympathizes but also challenges me to think about things i hadn’t thought of before and he also helps me to take a step back to get a different perspective.  my old therapist was great but i didn’t look forward to therapy sessions with her in the way that i do with my current therapist.

most of the time, especially if we were able to talk about things that matter to me, i end up feeling sad after therapy.  and today was one of those sessions.  i whole heartedly agree that my life is pretty good.  things could have turned out a lot worse.  but as for things in my life that had a negative effect on me, i have to see those things for what they are and not deny them or dismiss the significance of their effect on my life.  to see how something had a positive or negative effect on my life, i have to see the consequence of how something affected me.  i’d much rather not acknowledge that i am the way i am, that my life is the way it is, because of something that happend and how it affected me and how i responded to it.  it’s painful to see the connections and to accept the facts as they are.  when i do, i feel angry in some ways.  why did something happen to me when it did?  why?  why couldn’t have things have been different?   but then i remember that things could have been worse too and they are not.  i also feel sad when i see and accept that one thing affected another when the end product of the two things that are connected is my life as it is.

as i wrote to some friends, i realize after the accidental overdose, that God is standing in my way of successfully bringing an end to my existence here on earth.  when you realize your opponent is so powerful, wouldn’t you rather just accept the fact and be on their side?  i feel something like that.  if i can’t successfully end my life because God won’t let me, then instead of continuing to fight against what God wants (since the possibility of getting what i want is slim), i could just accept that success of getting things my way is unlikely to happen so i might as well join God’s side.  i mean, i could spend the rest of my life putting in time and effort to come up with a plan that would guarantee that i would suceed.  but if the evidence of the failure i had every time i attempted to end my life means anything, chances are i’m not going to suceed in the future.  so if i fold my cards now, i could save myself from spending more time and effort in something that isn’t going to be brought to completion.

i tried this before and idt didn’t work so well.  by joining God’s side, i accept that God has blessed me with my life with all the talents and circumstances that make me who i am.  practically speaking, i need to live instead of just waiting to die.  so i guess it’ll take a while for me to live the life God wants me to live.  in the mean time i have to accept that my life is a roller coaster rid:   some days, i am playing my best game and on others, i can’t even get out of bed or change out of my pjs.

i thought about things that contribute to the way i am now.  and those things are mostly painful things that didn’t make me feel good in the past and they certainly don’t make me feel good now.  but i have to face the factors that played a major role in shaping who i am today.  i’m afraid that if i talk about things in the past that it will be like waking up the ghosts who had been sleeping.  they might wake up, violently destroy things in the present, and all of it might be too overwhelming.  i know i need to face the ghosts but i just wan to say, this is really hard!  i’d rather sleep, maybe for eternity.  isn’t enough that things in the past that were painful will be painful again if they are given life in the present?  when someone says, ooh it hurts my arm when i move it this way.  don’t we then give this kind of response: well, don’t move your are that way if it causes you pain!  and in such exchange i am tempted to asy, well, then don’t do what causes you pain, you idiot!  but at the moment, i need to be an idiot and put my arm in the way that causes me to feel pain, so to speak.  all this thinking and writing is making me tired.  time for bed, i say!

it’s so uncool

it’s so uncool to cry in public places, especially a public place like starbucks where everyone is running from one place to another, sitting and chatting with friends or studying something because their entire life depends on that paper or exam or whatever.  i can’t help it though.  tears find their way out the corners of my eyes, rolling down my face.  how many days do i really have left to live?  no, i am not terminally ill, as in having cancer or HIV positive.  but i am deathly plagued by an illness, kind of like the illness where your white cells attack your own cells because they think their own cells are foreign antigens or something?  actually, it’s not exactly like that.  i know i am me.  i just don’t want to be.  i am not in favor of my physical well being if it is without psychological/mental/spiritual well being as well.

as i do sometimes when i’m not busy trying to end my life, i am sitting up in a coffee shop (instead of lying in my bed), and trying to read and write something that i find interesting and meaningful.  these are just one of the few moments, one of the few things, that i find worth while and would choose to do in my waking hours.  i don’t know what it is about working out, understanding, and creating complex ideas and theories that most people walking down the streets don’t think about for more than two seconds if they think about such things at all!

i find that i am blessed to be able to pick topics to read and write about that are of personal interest to me philosophically, theologically, or spiritually.  my current project is one in which i try to work out two different theories on value: one person argues that values are for the most part socially dependent and the other pereson argues that there are intrinsic values in things, like being human beings.  anyway i’ll see if/what/how i can contribute to the discussion. today so far is a great day!  with or without tears, even if i happen to be crying and feeling sad in a public place surrounded by christmas decorations, happy music and chatters of excitement, today is a day i am glad to have lived and looking forward to living.