so hard to go home

why is it so hard to go home?  i am supposed to fly to korea tomorrow morning.  i don’t want to pack.  i don’t know how i’m going to manage to keep myself busy or sleep for the entire 12-14 hrs of the flight from jfk.  and when i’m there except for 2-3 when my trip will overlap with a friend who is also visiting korea (from germany), i wil know no one else outside of my family, i mean, practically no one.  i fear that i will feel trapped in my parent’s apartment, no where to go, no one to hang out with, nothing to do.  well, the last bit i have some control over.  it’s not like i do a lot of things outside of the home here either.  i mostly stay in my bedroom.  i don’t even spend that much time in the living room.  and most of the time, i am doing things on my computer.  so maybe it doesn’t really matter that i will be in korea?  it’s just that everyone will be sleeping when i am up and i will be sleeping when everyone is up.  well, that’s not entirely true.  my bf will be up at about the same time as me and sleeping around the same time i might be.  it’s just that his sleep schedule is non-existent.  so maybe of all the people my waking hours might coincide the most with his.

what makes it so hard to go home?  my goodness it’s hard.  i’m having all kinds of pre-anxiety to anxiety to darn right overwhelming flood of anxiety about going home to see my parents.  i mean, all kinds of things are causing anxiety: plane ride, hours spent at home, hours not spent at home, talking to my parents, not talking to my parents, doomed if they hear me and doomed if they don’t hear me.  only thing i am sure i will like about my trip is coming back home, my home.  🙂

i tend to post more when i’m in korea so more frequent blogs to come in the next two weeks.

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loving it!

i don’t think i was doing that great for a while.  i didn’t go out to meet people.  i only would leave my room/apartment for therapy and gym.  i stopped going to all church related events.  i was hyberhating.  i want to say i was recharing.  but i don’t think i was.  i was just hiding from the world so i wouldn’t have to really live my life.

then last monday (dec 22) i had reservation to flly out to california.  i didn’t want to disappoint my cousins and nieces and nephews again.  i cancelled my trip ou to california last time i was supposed to visit.  the moms (my cousins) told me how upset their eldest kids were (my oldest niece and nephew).  i felt so bad that i let them down.  i felt even worse that it seemed out of my control to feel well enough to go on the trip.

i don’t know that i’m feeling better and if bettter, i don’t feel much better.  but anyway, at the last minute i finally got out of bed to start packing.  i didn’t have clean clothes.  i thought i could do my laundry sometime over the weekend.  but everyday i would think, i’ll do it tomorrow.  so i packed my laundry, took a shower, and eat something.  then when i finally got to the airport my plane was delayed 4  hours!  by the time i arrived in california, i was ready to just collapse which was good becasue that meant that my brain was ready to shut down.

i’m staying at my cousin’s house which they just moved into.  they had bought a sofabed for me in time for me to be able to use it on my last trip (which didn’t happen).  and they really made a triumphant effort to furnish their new house before i came.  the guest room is perfect.  it’s on the other end of the house separated by family room and kitchen.  i have a bathroom on this side of the house.  wow i couldn’t have asked for a better place to stay and feel like home, while i am away from home.  i mean it’s better than my room back in boston.  it’s clean, it’s spacious, lots of sun, and there’s plenty of food in the house all the time!

i keep myself busy, playing with the kids, then i just retreat to my room and find stuff to do on the internet.  i seem to have found my own personal trainer on the west coast too!  my cousin’s husband (who is also my friend), takes me along when he goes exercising.  and when i take in more calories than i need, he gives me a look.  and that look doesn’t stop me from eating, but it makes me think twice before take a bite of icecream, or wahtever sweet stuff i am about to indulge in!  at costco yesterday, i wanted to buy buy a whole cheesecake, but both my cousin’s husband and my niece said, No!  it’s not on the list!  so i was promised one slice of cheesecake whwen i burn off enough calories in the next few days.  i walked/jogged about 3-4 miles past two days.  and my new-westcoast-trainer is going to take me to a gym or a hiking trail and set me in motion.  🙂

life sucks.  that hasn’t changed.  evennow, if i am given the choice of signing off now or living until old old age to die of natural death, i would choose to sign off right now without a blink!  bug since no one is really offering to put me out of misery (i’m sure if i were an animal, someone would be willing to put me out of my misery.  but since i’m a human being, it gets all complicated to get help to bring my life to an end!), i try to do things, and only things that i want to do (it works for the most part).

for some reason, i am constantly tired and feel sleep deprived even though i am getting enough sleep and am not doing anything really.  so i guess i won’t be planning my funeral service right now.  mayber i’ll get back to it later, maybe next year.  i mean, doesn’t every one deserve a nice funeral service?

life line

somehow i’m managing to write again.  it’s amazing.  since last night i’m writing and organizing my thoughts.  how is this possible?  wow.  wow.  wow.

yesterday was parents day in korea where my parents live.  so i called mom then dad to thank them.  in response they thanked me.  huh?  i guess they were thankful that i (really my sister who informed me that it was parents day in korea) remembered to call them.  their expectation of me/us must be really really low.  it’s all good.  i’d rather surprise them than not meet their expectations.

i’m not sure what really changed…something seems different.  why am i not afraid of writing a bad paper?  how am i able to just write?  when i talked to my dad yesterday he said that one has to finish what one started because otherwise it just feels icky, and the unfinished business will keep hanging over you all of your life.  did that somehow motivate me?  who knows?  at times like this, it doesn’t matter what jump started my brain and got the creative juices flowing.

life sucks – sometimes

i just found out that a friend’s mom AND dad are going to get surgery in the next month or so.  could things get worse than that?  i don’t want to find out.  but things couldn’t get much worse, could it?  i spent the past twenty four hours or so with her until she could fly home.  i didn’t know what to do, what to say, and if i could even hope to be helpful.  all that i could do was to just be with her.

in memory

i’m sad to say that there has been a death in our extended family.  extended family is family and the sadness is real.

it’s weird being alive. i mean, really it is weird being alive. it’s so weird that the living go on living. what can we do but to go on living? the most we can do in order to honor the dead is to go on living.

about twenty years ago around this time, my friend committed suicide. and what i remember, aside from fear and sadness that i felt was being aware that i wasn’t dead. i thought, she would no longer come to my house, we would never do homework together, and she would never turn sixteen. for years i was haunted by her death. year after year when i went back to the town in which i grew up, i would visit her grave. and when i stood at her grave, looking down at the headstone, i wasn’t just over come with sadness but also with perhaps guilt that i was alive. with each milestone in my life i would think, she never turned eighteen, then later i would think, she never turned twenty one, thirty, so on. i can’t say that i miss her now. but i do remember her and still love her.

what if she hadn’t decided to kill herself…what would she be doing now? would we still be friends? would she be a mom like my sister? would she have been a career woman?

no one will ever know.

i was already depressed at the time my friend committed suicide. her death somehow prevented me from acting on my thoughts of escaping from this world. it seems inappropriate to be thankful to her death that helped me live. truth is, on most days, i’m not thankful to be alive. i just live, because i am alive. i should be grateful to be alive. i am thankful but yet i wonder, when will i be able to rest?

it’s funny how visiting family reminds me that these people, my family, especially my nieces and nephews, expect me to live. especially my nieces and nephews who don’t understand death wouldn’t think twice that i would visit them the next chance i could manage to see them. and i want to see them grow up, go to college, get married, have kids, etc., etc.

i really think that the living can honor the dead best by going on living, the best they know how. rest in peace… we can’t join you in death, but you will always be in our hearts and in our memories.

reality check

someone in my extended family is dying. it really made me sad to hear about it. his health has been failing for a while now…

when you think about your loved ones and perhaps even when imagining the death of your loved ones, the imagination may fail us. what we imagine might be some what abstract. that’s how it is for me when i imagine a world in which i am not a part of.

my fight is to keep myself from killing myself. i live in someways because i cannot die. but today, a little while ago, it really hit home for me that there are people who are really dying, not by choice. while in somewhat immature and crazy ways i think of ending the pain in my life by dying an early death, others are trying to stay alive, if not for themselves than for their loved ones.

i don’t know that i will always feel this way – but at this moment, i’m really sorry. i’m truly sorry for trying to take my life time and time again when i’m young and healthy. i realize at this moment that people are supposed to live and to try to live, the best they can, for as long as they can.

i knew him not that well and have seen him only a few times. he was always nice and gentle, thoughtful and caring. he’s still alive so i don’t mean to speak as if he isn’t. but things being as serious as they are, i just want to express that in the short time i knew him, and in the brief encounters we have had, he is a man who lives/ed and loves/ed greatly, and he will never be forgotten in the hearts of those who love him.

my deepest, most heart felt condolences to my extended family…

petitionary prayer and faith

as i have done for the past three years or so, i went to morning prayer today. and i wondered, why should any of the prayers we pray matter? why should god who created the universe care or help me to finish my semester at school or to have more wisdom?

a few years ago, i wrote a paper on petitionary prayer. my thesis was that petitionary prayers play an indispensable role in our sanctification process: as our prayers get answered (or not answered) we learn about the character of god and as we pray we experience god of the universe as our god.

i don’t know how job or st. paul kept up their faith in god. sure when things are going well, you can believe that god is for you. ironically, at those moments you might forget about god because you don’t need god to help you. but when things are going badly and take a turn for the worst, people tend to turn to god and ask god for help. and in such difficult times, god may be more real to you and you may rely on god more for everything because you can’t rely on anything else.

but what happens when a bad thing happens and another bad thing and another bad thing happen to a person? i don’t mean that things that happen have to be viwed as “objectively” morally a bad thing. but when someone feels that gods is not with them, that god is not for them, what happens to one’s faith?

i’ve been told in the past to seek god more in times of trouble: read the scripture, spend time in prayer, and rely on your community of faith. but what happens when those things fall through as well? then i suppose, you still read the scripture, pray to god more even if you are praying that you don’t know what to pray, and tell others to pray for you.

i’m reminded of prosperity gospel – people counting on god to bless them b/c they believe that god is good, and perhaps also b/c they believe their works warrant their blessing. most people would say, no god never promised happiness just that god would be with us through it all, the good, the bad, the happy as well as the sad moments. but what does it take for one to say, god is not for me (as opposed to god being for you, showing you favor). more importantly, when you have been pushed to the edge, to your limits, how can you turn back to god?

god doesn’t test us more than we can bear, right? the bible says so. probably god knows what your limits are. but when you feel that you have been pushed and pushed to the point you can’t bear the pain, suffering, disappointment, despair anymore, what then?