top five reasons 2008 is going to be great!

1. it’s not 2007! 2007 was a hard year for me. i was in and out of the hospital. i didn’t do well over all. i continued to gain weight. i kept getting triggered by by various things, even while watching the elf!

2. new community? i may take a break from my current church to make new connections. and my church is also getting a new pastor which will be refreshing.

3. romance! i feel ready to date again. i’m hopeful about this. i don’t know why. i just am. and since i have lots of knowledge about what i don’t want, figuring out if the relationship is worth keeping will be a piece of cake. ūüôā

4. my niece is turning 4! she’s a little girl now. she’s really thoughtful and just lovely. i’m looking forward to spending more time with her.

5. DBT group – okay. so i’m not totally looking forward to joining a group therapy that is going to be so intensive that it’s going to kick my butt. but i think the work will pay off in the long run. i’ll be able to cope with feelings and impulses better. and hopefully that will translate into fewer hospital visits.

note to self: top five reasons for not killing myself

1. there will be no self/consciousness as i know it. sure enough i believe in an after life (a happy one at that – one with jesus). but will “life” after death be of the same kind as life as i know it? i don’t think so. (and this is a bad thing?)

2. people will have to tell my nieces and nephews that they used to have an aunt who loved them alot! i mean a lot! and my family members (especially my siblings) and my friends would be heart-broken. (but would they prefer a living aunt/sister/daughter/friend who is suffering immensely from depression?)

3. family reputation (especially that of my mom and dad) will be ruined. (i see no way out of this one.)

4. if i should fail in killing myself i will once again end up in the ER then in the psych ward for only god knows how long. and my doctors might decide to do ECT on me, what is left of me anyway. (the best deterrent for not killing myself if there ever was one)

5. i can’t think of the fifth reason…maybe god would be disappointed? (i don’t really believe that god would be disappointed. i mean, isn’t god permitting me and apostle paul with the thorn on his side and all to suffer?)

in transit

i’m leaving korea tomorrow morning!¬† the trip has been meaningful.¬† it was a lot of quality family time.¬†

we spent three days in japan and we got to see our uncle, aunt, and nephew.¬† i hadn’t seen all of them in like two and a half years so it was great to see them again.¬†

i finally got to try redmango today.¬† the frozen yogurt was really smooth.¬† but the toppings weren’t as good as back in the states.¬† i have some pictures which i will load up when i get back home.¬†

man, i’m so ready to come back home.¬† my parents want me to spend about a year in korea.¬† so i said, no can do.¬† i don’t know why but i’m really scared to live in korea.¬†

my brother went with his classmates to clean up the oil spill damage.¬† so i won’t be able to see him before i leave tomorrow, i think.¬† i sure wish i could see him before i leave.

i feel good.  really good.   

christmas eve in seoul – immanuel

my mom and i had a quiet dinner because my dad, brother and sister here in korea had other plans.¬† i thought to myself, christmas in korea isn’t so different.¬† in boston, i expect to spend it alone but end up spending it with lots of friedns.¬† here in korea, i expect to spend christmas eve with family but end up spending it practically alone, at least christmas eve dinner.¬†

after dinner, my mom and i went to coex to look for some books.¬† when we got there we saw a huge crowd of people trying to get down to the subway station!¬† they weren’t in line to get on thet train or to get through the gates.¬† they were simply trying to get into the station!¬† wow.¬† as we were walking towards the bookstore, i noticed that people, practically everyone, were wearing red, just kidding, they were all wearing black.¬† i guess wearing black happens in any city?¬† anyway my mom and i bought a book.¬† grabbed some coffee at starbucks (yes starbucks is everywhere!).¬† then we tried to get out of coex mall and we did successfully.¬† but we went out the wrong exit so we had to walk for more than 30 minutes to get to where we wanted to be!

so no, i wasn’t able to check out redmango tonight to be able to compare it to pinkberry, or yoberry or berryline (both in boston area).¬† sorry folks.¬† the review of redmango is going to have to come after christmas.¬† i did send a fax to their main office to complain about how much trouble i had on their internet site.¬†

as expected, our entire family (those who are in korea) went to church today.¬† there was a music part – complete with little kids singing, which i unfortunately missed – and then a short service and then a performance by the choir.¬†¬†the choir was great.¬† the solos in one part almost moved me.¬† ūüôā¬† it was weird, however, how we were practically the only ones standing up during the handel’s messiah – hallelujah part.¬† later, more people stood up.¬† i guess i just feel like you can’t listen to it without standing up, not because of tradition (ok maybe¬†a little bit¬†due to tradition) but out of reverence for the creator.

the title of the sermon was immanuel.¬† and the pastor preached that we are not alone, god is with us.¬† he said, don’t go through life as if you are alone because god is with you.¬† and when god is with you, all things are possible.¬† believe in the power of god.¬† believe in miracles.¬† have hope because god is with¬†us.¬† god is with you.

what i haven’t said in my last blog was that my¬†dad is the pastor of the church we go to.¬† so of course i felt like he was tailoring the sermon just to me.¬† i mean, sometimes i feel like a pastor is talking directly at me during a sermon, but i know that can’t be¬†the case because they don’t know what i’m going through.¬† but this pastor, my dad, he knows what i’m going through.¬† so who knows?¬† maybe he did in part speak to me, directly to me.¬† i liked what my dad said – that we are not alone and that god is with us.¬† more than liking it, i want to believe it.¬† i want to believe it because i think it’s true.¬† here i think it’s appropriate to mention¬†william james’ will to believe essay and¬†his phrase “leap of faith.”¬†

i want to believe that god is with us and i think it’s true.¬† but i don’t know if i have the religious experience that warrants me to say i know that god is with us.¬† i know it in my head that god is with us.¬† whether a personal god or an impersonal god, god who created us and everything else, god is with us.¬† i’m sure of that.¬† so why can’t i believe it in the depths of my soul???

it felt so awkwards today to say merry christmas to the few people i said it to.¬† it’s too warm in seoul.¬† we’re not going to have a white christmas.¬† if we get any precipitation, we’re going to get rain.¬† anyway, it’s close to midnight here in korea.¬† so merry christmas!