anniversary

today is a hard day.  one of those days when you wish you could just get to tomorrow as soon as possible.  the past does not dictate the future.  but it sure can contaminate it!

i haven’t felt suicidal in about 2 months, but still have overdosed once in the past month.  i’m not sure whether or how long this apparent emotional stability is going to last.  i feel like i’m only a few steps away from doing irreversible damage.  somehow i always wake up with no organ damage or any other kind of permanent damage.  but who knows when i may one day not wake up, or wake up in a coma or with serious brain damage?

today i feel like everything may fall apart, that everything may come crashing down and that maybe i better be prepared for things just in case.

i just came back from an appointment with my psychopharmacologist.  i started crying while she was typing up notes.  i tried hard to stop crying, wiping away the tears as fast as i could.  i was hoping she wouldn’t notice.  i was hoping that if she didn’t see me cry that maybe i could stop crying and that may be my sadness would just go away.  but i couldn’t stop crying.  and i’m scared, terrified actually.

when you know how bad things can be, and you know sooner or later it’s going to hit you again, well, the time in between is just time i’m sitting in the waiting room.  and in some ways, waiting for the storm to hit can be more nerve wrecking than how things might feel in the middle of the storm.  ok, so middle of the storm if bad too.  AND the time anticipating or waiting for the storm to hit is bad as well.

to sum up how i feel today, life sucks when you feel crappy.  time doesn’t go fast enough.  the night doesn’t come soon enough.  and the waiting is unbearable.  so yeah, life sucks.  that’s all i have to say today.

roller coaster ride of my life

my last post was written on a good day.  i was able to get out and was motivated to get some work done.  but there is no smooth sailing in my life with depression.  past two weekends, i mostly stayed in my room and stayed inside the apartment (with the exception of last saturday night when i went out to dinner with a friend).  i’ve been having somewhat regular problem with sleeping at night.  for instance, this past week, for three straight nights i didn’t sleep at night at all.  in the morning, say around 8 or 9 am, i tried to get about an hour or two of sleep.  this past weekend, i stopped corresponding with friends and family through phone and e-mail.  i talked to one of my sisters a few times during the course of the weekend since we live together.

i just came back from therapy.  i find that i look forward to my therapy sessions.  my therapist makes sure i know that he is my advocate.  he listens and sympathizes but also challenges me to think about things i hadn’t thought of before and he also helps me to take a step back to get a different perspective.  my old therapist was great but i didn’t look forward to therapy sessions with her in the way that i do with my current therapist.

most of the time, especially if we were able to talk about things that matter to me, i end up feeling sad after therapy.  and today was one of those sessions.  i whole heartedly agree that my life is pretty good.  things could have turned out a lot worse.  but as for things in my life that had a negative effect on me, i have to see those things for what they are and not deny them or dismiss the significance of their effect on my life.  to see how something had a positive or negative effect on my life, i have to see the consequence of how something affected me.  i’d much rather not acknowledge that i am the way i am, that my life is the way it is, because of something that happend and how it affected me and how i responded to it.  it’s painful to see the connections and to accept the facts as they are.  when i do, i feel angry in some ways.  why did something happen to me when it did?  why?  why couldn’t have things have been different?   but then i remember that things could have been worse too and they are not.  i also feel sad when i see and accept that one thing affected another when the end product of the two things that are connected is my life as it is.

as i wrote to some friends, i realize after the accidental overdose, that God is standing in my way of successfully bringing an end to my existence here on earth.  when you realize your opponent is so powerful, wouldn’t you rather just accept the fact and be on their side?  i feel something like that.  if i can’t successfully end my life because God won’t let me, then instead of continuing to fight against what God wants (since the possibility of getting what i want is slim), i could just accept that success of getting things my way is unlikely to happen so i might as well join God’s side.  i mean, i could spend the rest of my life putting in time and effort to come up with a plan that would guarantee that i would suceed.  but if the evidence of the failure i had every time i attempted to end my life means anything, chances are i’m not going to suceed in the future.  so if i fold my cards now, i could save myself from spending more time and effort in something that isn’t going to be brought to completion.

i tried this before and idt didn’t work so well.  by joining God’s side, i accept that God has blessed me with my life with all the talents and circumstances that make me who i am.  practically speaking, i need to live instead of just waiting to die.  so i guess it’ll take a while for me to live the life God wants me to live.  in the mean time i have to accept that my life is a roller coaster rid:   some days, i am playing my best game and on others, i can’t even get out of bed or change out of my pjs.

i thought about things that contribute to the way i am now.  and those things are mostly painful things that didn’t make me feel good in the past and they certainly don’t make me feel good now.  but i have to face the factors that played a major role in shaping who i am today.  i’m afraid that if i talk about things in the past that it will be like waking up the ghosts who had been sleeping.  they might wake up, violently destroy things in the present, and all of it might be too overwhelming.  i know i need to face the ghosts but i just wan to say, this is really hard!  i’d rather sleep, maybe for eternity.  isn’t enough that things in the past that were painful will be painful again if they are given life in the present?  when someone says, ooh it hurts my arm when i move it this way.  don’t we then give this kind of response: well, don’t move your are that way if it causes you pain!  and in such exchange i am tempted to asy, well, then don’t do what causes you pain, you idiot!  but at the moment, i need to be an idiot and put my arm in the way that causes me to feel pain, so to speak.  all this thinking and writing is making me tired.  time for bed, i say!