finally finally – some big questions

sometime in august my sister and i are relocating to ny. it’s happening so fast neither of us are able to catch up with all the changes. yesterday, my therapist asked me how i feel about the move and i started crying. i had kept myself busy with trying to figure out the move and logistics of it all. i wasn’t really paying attention to how i felt about leaving a place i feel at home. i have lived in boston for the past ten years, in the same apartment no less. i have never lived in one town for that long. i lived in seoul for the first 13 years of my life. but we moved around practically every year until i was about 10 yrs old?

so the big question of course is why are we moving? my sister hates boston. she’s been having a difficult time finding a job. as for myself, i don’t want to and am not capable at this point of living by myself. and my bf of about 6 months (give or take a few weeks) is also in ny. it makes it easier to leave boston at this point in my life because i just finished a degree program. and just in the past year my close friends have moved away from boston or gotten married and seem like they moved away. so as for leaving friends in boston, i don’t feel desperate separation anxiety or anything.

most people when they move to new york do so for a personal reason, like for a job, for a significant other, school, etc. most of the time, people want to live in ny. i used to want to live in manhattan. but now, i think manhattan is way to crowded and way too busy. we’ll be living in one of the boroughs and i may not even go into the city thqt often. i don’t think i would have a reason to go into the city unless i went to a church in the city or started taking classes at one of the schools or something.

i started saying that i’m practically 40 years old. and with that awareness, that in a few years that i really will turn forty, i wonder about where i’ve been, where i’m going and where i’ll be. i know i like my life now. i am happy with what i am doing or will be doing. as for what i will be in the next couple years, i have no clue.

facebook replaces sleep

i couldn’t sleep all night.  it’s now 8:30 am, so i’m guessing i won’t be sleeping today.  so i was on the internet all night, well, practically all night.  i was mostly on facebook.  i used to wonder, gosh, what could people possibly do on facebook that could take so much time?  well, now i know.  you can search for people through schools, by class, through friends of friends and see anyone new signed up or find someone you missed the last time you checked.  and i did find a handful of people last night!  i didn’t select year i graduated from highschool.  and when i did choose my graduating year to check to see who else was on facebook, well, well, well, i was shocked to say the least!  yes i found friends i didn’t know were on facebook.  and then i found friends of friends who i didn’t know were on facebook as well.  but the most shocking thing is reading through names and profile pictures of people who supposedly went to school with you.  and oh, maybe about 70-80% of the people who selected the same graduating class as me, i couldn’t recognize their names and of course profile pictures didn’t help.  in all the years that passed, people lost weight, put on weight, aged, tanned, their hair styles are different, etc.

it’s easy to find people to add once you recognize their profile picture or name.  but then there are some people who you have to take time to consider, do i really want them as friends on facebook?  people might have various reasons for not wanting the whole world to be their friends on facebook.  only my profile picture can be viewed by friends of friends and people in my network.  everything else, you have to be my friend.  on some people’s profile, you can view their friends.  i don’t know why, but i chose not to make my friend list available to those who may not really know me.  for friends on my facebook site, all kinds of info is made accessible that was not accessible before someone becomes my friend on facebook.  people can find all my blog sites on this site so maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal.  but on facebook, people i know, when they become friends on facebook have access to all the blogsites as well.  and you know, it’s easier to bear your soul to strangers than it is to people you grew up with, or those you go/went to school with, or people you work/ed with, etc.  i even found one person who i used to have a crush on in high school.  would i want him to be my friend on facebook so that he could read up on all that i’ve been going through in the past few years?  i decided for now that i didn’t want to add him as a friend.  who knows, maybe later i’ll feel better and wouldn’t mind adding anyone that i know.

so for better or worse, instead of sleeping, i have been on facebook, twitter, and other blogsites that i hadn’t logged onto in months!  it’s nice to have so many blogsites when you can’t sleep.  but for all other purposes, i wish i didn’t have a gazillion blogsites where i have posted blogs, poems and pictures.  i have that much more work to do if/when i want to archive the words i wrote in the past few years.  and those words, especially on my xanga sites, those words were written in blood, with tears and in excruciating pain when i had other way to channel the despair.

anyway, so much for sleep.  i think i’ll go get some coffee!

facebook happenings

so in the past couple days i have found a gazillion friends that i haven’t talked to or seen in years.  one friend i hadn’t had any contact with since middle school!  and through his facebook friends page, i found another friend from middle school.  so i was im’ing into the wee hrs with the friend and you know, it’s as if we had been talking all these years and had kept in touch.  we might have even been in the same town around the same time at one point.  but who knows?  it’s hard to tell what people look like in their adulthood when the last time you saw them was when they couldn’t even vote (among other things).

i think i was feeling especially nostalgic yesterday and really looking for a way to connect with the world.  i was so happy to find my friend from back in the days.  hehe

so i just edited a 26 pg paper for my brother.  i’m kind of tempted not to even start working on my own stuff until after lunch.  it’s 11:20 am now.  i’ll get about an hr worth of work done.  then i’d have to stop!  oh well oh well.

i had to admit once again that i am one of the rare female specimen who is like a male – meaning that i am reluctant to settle down.  how’s that?  i think i hung out with too many guy friends when i was younger.  my dad raised me like i was a boy.  he practically never mentioned marriage but would always talk about academic pursuits.  well, i like it.  i like the way i am.  this way i don’t get turned down by guys.  i get to run out of the relationship before anything serious happens.  but then i do realize that i pay a high price for this:  once i ran out on someone that i really cared about.  maybe next time i’ll be more careful.  maybe.  maybe.

gone mad

i’ve gone mad i tell you.  i slept two days pretty much straight through.  how does one do that?  i haven’t written anything since friday morning, which by a writer’s standard feels like an eternity and a day away.  and actually i didn’t even leave the apartment yesterday.  wow.  i feel like i’m waking up from a coma, like life has gone past before me and i’m trying to catch up to it.

many years back, i heard a pastor preach and the only thing i remember is that he kept saying, “save yourself!”  he was using that as a rhetorical device to point out that jesus could have saved himself but he didn’t.  at least i think that’s what the pastor was trying to do.  in my case, i think i do need to save my self!  but now i’m wondering if the pastor’s point was that we can’t save ourselves no matter what we do.

how important are sermons in one’s christian life?  at my church, lately, i’m thoroughly uninspired by the sermons.  i don’t feel like sitting through the sermons anymore.  but i know when the preaching is good that it really gets me going throughout the week.  i don’t think i should have to miss out on hearing good sermons on sundays just so i could go to the same church with my friends.

update on my friend

my friend thought she had to take meds for a week and get blood work to see if there are abnormal cell growth.  but she realized the other day that she is supposed to take meds for 6 weeks then get blood work done.  she seems quite at peace and not really scared.  i think i am more scared for her than she is about herself.  the blood test at the end of 6 weeks may just be one of the many tests to come.  or not.  she’s probably wise not to worry too much right now.  they have already done a test and then told her she needs this additional test.  so in my mind this next blood test is rather important.

crisis mode can only hold up for so long. and i’m trying to be supportive and understanding one day at a time.  even though my friend says she’s not worried, i can see that she is making choices about how she spends her time more carefully.  i would do the same.  but shouldn’t we all do that all the time?  none of us know how long we are going to live for sure.  so we should do things that matter to us now, not put them off thinking that we can get to them later.  who knows?  maybe later won’t come.  all that to say, we should live, really live in the moment.  🙂

breakfast conversation

i found out this morning that a friend might be really sick. she won’t find out until additional testing for sure. i feel scared for her. she mentioned that she needs more testing in passing, like pass the salt kind of way. so i didn’t really respond empathetically in reflection to how she seemed to be dealing with it. but all i could think about on my drive home is that what she told me was really serious. i still feel affected by the news. probably the best way to described how i feel is that i feel shaken up.

none of us know much time we have in our lives. but when you know with some kind of certainty what your limited time is, it totally changes your perspective about your decisions in how you live your life. i guess my friend’s news makes me reflect on my own life as well. it’s a big wake up call.