All is Well

All is well with my soul.  I didn’t think time healed.  But it does!  Amazing!  I’m not one hundred percent over my ex-boyfriend.  But I’m well enough to function.  Thank God!

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hmmm wait a minute

i don’t really know why. i thought when i started working that i had to appear all put together. but in these blogs i had been completely honest and at times maybe even too honest? but i realized after reading a blog from a member of our church that there can be no anonymity to my story because it isn’t mine to keep private but testimony to God’s working and healing in my life. when i look back on the posts i have written, it’s such a relief that i don’t feel the way i used to feel. i had been too depressed to have hope or to think things could be any different. but God showed me the impossible was possible. i haven’t been hospitalized in about a year which is the longest stretch of time i have gone since getting depressed in 2002! praise the Lord!

i wonder if things i wrote and will be writing are age appropriate for youth group members…but then i realize as far back as i can remember i was unhappy…help didn’t come soon enough…hope was all too far out of reach…and if i could have known when i was younger that i didn’t have to feel that way, that God could and would help me, my life would have been totally different…and i think over time this blog will be helpful to those who are struggling with depression, despair, hopelessness, etc. so i’m not deleting any posts i wrote.

when i was in high school, a close friend of mine died before reaching age 16. she ran away from home and possibly took her own life. would she have been too young to read posts i have written where i am writing from place of pain and suffering that she would have identified with? if she could read any one of my posts and find hope that her life might be different if she could just hold on, i mean, if i would bring her back through anything i could do i would. but i can’t bring her back to life. but maybe other people who are feeling hopeless and lost might find encouragement that as badly depressed as i was that i am no longer feeling that way. i didn’t think i would live to see this day…but slowly but surely, God healed me.

my dad always said when i recover that i would be able to help others who are suffering as i had suffered. every time i heard that, i couldn’t believe that day would ever come. but now it has. and so here’s hoping and praying that any of the things i wrote gives hope rather than discouragement to others who feel lost, hopeless, depressed, suicidal… it’s something of a miracle actually. so i can only think God healed me. about a year and a half ago, my psychiatrist had lost hope that i could get better. she thought ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) was the only hope i had left. i didn’t believe her then and i certainly don’t believe her now. the only hope i had was in God, not ECT. maybe for some people ECT is what will improve their chronic depression. but for me, it wasn’t.

so anyway, long story short, blogs on this site have been written with honesty that might reveal emotions and thoughts that may be shocking. it’s all true. i lived through it. and i’m here. i made it to the other side. and when i couldn’t make it on my own, i had help from others, prayers, encouragements, hospital visits, phone calls, e-mails… thank you.

roller coaster ride of my life

my last post was written on a good day.  i was able to get out and was motivated to get some work done.  but there is no smooth sailing in my life with depression.  past two weekends, i mostly stayed in my room and stayed inside the apartment (with the exception of last saturday night when i went out to dinner with a friend).  i’ve been having somewhat regular problem with sleeping at night.  for instance, this past week, for three straight nights i didn’t sleep at night at all.  in the morning, say around 8 or 9 am, i tried to get about an hour or two of sleep.  this past weekend, i stopped corresponding with friends and family through phone and e-mail.  i talked to one of my sisters a few times during the course of the weekend since we live together.

i just came back from therapy.  i find that i look forward to my therapy sessions.  my therapist makes sure i know that he is my advocate.  he listens and sympathizes but also challenges me to think about things i hadn’t thought of before and he also helps me to take a step back to get a different perspective.  my old therapist was great but i didn’t look forward to therapy sessions with her in the way that i do with my current therapist.

most of the time, especially if we were able to talk about things that matter to me, i end up feeling sad after therapy.  and today was one of those sessions.  i whole heartedly agree that my life is pretty good.  things could have turned out a lot worse.  but as for things in my life that had a negative effect on me, i have to see those things for what they are and not deny them or dismiss the significance of their effect on my life.  to see how something had a positive or negative effect on my life, i have to see the consequence of how something affected me.  i’d much rather not acknowledge that i am the way i am, that my life is the way it is, because of something that happend and how it affected me and how i responded to it.  it’s painful to see the connections and to accept the facts as they are.  when i do, i feel angry in some ways.  why did something happen to me when it did?  why?  why couldn’t have things have been different?   but then i remember that things could have been worse too and they are not.  i also feel sad when i see and accept that one thing affected another when the end product of the two things that are connected is my life as it is.

as i wrote to some friends, i realize after the accidental overdose, that God is standing in my way of successfully bringing an end to my existence here on earth.  when you realize your opponent is so powerful, wouldn’t you rather just accept the fact and be on their side?  i feel something like that.  if i can’t successfully end my life because God won’t let me, then instead of continuing to fight against what God wants (since the possibility of getting what i want is slim), i could just accept that success of getting things my way is unlikely to happen so i might as well join God’s side.  i mean, i could spend the rest of my life putting in time and effort to come up with a plan that would guarantee that i would suceed.  but if the evidence of the failure i had every time i attempted to end my life means anything, chances are i’m not going to suceed in the future.  so if i fold my cards now, i could save myself from spending more time and effort in something that isn’t going to be brought to completion.

i tried this before and idt didn’t work so well.  by joining God’s side, i accept that God has blessed me with my life with all the talents and circumstances that make me who i am.  practically speaking, i need to live instead of just waiting to die.  so i guess it’ll take a while for me to live the life God wants me to live.  in the mean time i have to accept that my life is a roller coaster rid:   some days, i am playing my best game and on others, i can’t even get out of bed or change out of my pjs.

i thought about things that contribute to the way i am now.  and those things are mostly painful things that didn’t make me feel good in the past and they certainly don’t make me feel good now.  but i have to face the factors that played a major role in shaping who i am today.  i’m afraid that if i talk about things in the past that it will be like waking up the ghosts who had been sleeping.  they might wake up, violently destroy things in the present, and all of it might be too overwhelming.  i know i need to face the ghosts but i just wan to say, this is really hard!  i’d rather sleep, maybe for eternity.  isn’t enough that things in the past that were painful will be painful again if they are given life in the present?  when someone says, ooh it hurts my arm when i move it this way.  don’t we then give this kind of response: well, don’t move your are that way if it causes you pain!  and in such exchange i am tempted to asy, well, then don’t do what causes you pain, you idiot!  but at the moment, i need to be an idiot and put my arm in the way that causes me to feel pain, so to speak.  all this thinking and writing is making me tired.  time for bed, i say!