crying on the inside

well, maybe it doesn’t really matter that i’m crying on the inside if tears are flowing down on my face as well?  i feel sadness all around me and in me.  being paged to ICU patients who are kept alive by ventilators…comforting families at the end of life with their loved ones…and well, in other news, in my personal life, i think for the last time my boyfriend and i are no longer dating.  it’s a strange phenomena actually.  i feel sad.  i feel it was the right and best decision for both of us.  we both care about each other more than we do about anyone else in this world.  i want to spend the rest of my life with him and don’t want any one else but myself to spend the rest of our lives together.  not true for my ex-boyfriend.  yes, he cares about me.  yes, he’s greatly appreciative of all the ways in which i helped him in his life.  no, he will never forget me.  yes, i will always be in his heart.  best heart-felt break up i was ever a part of.  something in me tells me that while i love him and would and could spend rest of my life with him, that it would be stupid, hurtful to myself to stay with him when he doesn’t feel the same way about me.  i love him under any condition and circumstance.  he loves me in a limited way – here and now for while things work out for both of us, but not enough to commit himself whole-heartedly to growing and working together.  i sense that i will benefit immensely from not being part of a relationship where it was impossible for there to be a future.  but the pain and sadness now is real.  with God by myself and some spirits in me, i’m good to go.

New Era

so after about nine months, the relationship is over.  i’m still processing everything, sorting things out in my head and in my heart.  i’m sure the decision to stop dating was the right decision for both of us.  how could such a right decision feel so wrong?  i’m happy to be single.  maybe i wasn’t even made to be part of a relationship but to be a self-sufficient single person for the rest of my life.  but after nine months of sharing my life with someone, it feels weird not to have someone to call to talk about things that happened to me that i want to share with someone who really cares about me.  a week after we broke up, i was told on the phone, yes, i do love you.  was i supposed to be happy to hear confirmation of how he felt about me, a week after we mutually broke up?  love is a funny thing.  at this point, to be honest, i don’t even know what it means when someone says i love you.  i used to say i love you a lot.  i stopped saying it when i got tired of hearing thank you after i said i love you.  thank you isn’t bad.  it’s better than silence.  …  i feel as though i have lived a life of unrequited love.  it’s not that no one has ever been in love with me.  it’s never at the same time, or at the right place in our lives, etc.  in times like these, i am so thankful that my identity is so strongly defined by what i do and how i relate to the world than by whether there is a person who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  i was really sad two weeks ago about breaking up with the person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with.  for half a week, i lost my appetite so much i lost few pounds.  but now my appetite is back, but not the way it used to be.  and now i don’t want to be sad.  i want to get used to my life as a single person.  maybe i should get used to it for good.  i could spend my energy instead on developing and deepening friendships, good friendships.  end of an era brings in beginning of a new era.  in this new era, i plan on being more caring of my self, more loving to my self, and gentler on my self.  if i don’t love myself, i’m not sure anyone else will, well no human being in any case.

heart break

yesterday towards end of the service, i nearly came to tears. during the service, some of the kids were really distracted. at one point, almost everyone got up to see what happened in the kitchen (service is in the cafeteria open to kitchen area) when we heard a popping noise. before saying a prayer at the end, i told them how service is for God and that all the interruptions and talking during the service is interruption and talking during worship of God. as i was saying this, i could feel tears welling up in my eyes and my voice choking up. it wasn’t so much i was hurt by how service went. but everything that happened points to how real God is in our lives. it’s fine to talk while i’m talking generally speaking, except when it’s during service and i’m in the middle of preaching a message i think would help all of us come closer to God! some of the kids said they were sorry. i said, don’t be sorry to me. i hope they realize it’s not really my heart they are breaking.

just when you think you know

why is it so hard to figure things out in a relationship? for better or worse, i tell my bf every now and then about things that i’m not happy about. it usually happens in a form of a blog or an e-mail. and usually he has no comment. so i keep going on in variations on the same theme, about whatever i’m unhappy about. i don’t get upset over one particular action. i tend to get upset about pattern of behavior.

this past week, having sent my e-mail to my bf about stuff i’m unhappy about, i didn’t hear from him for an entire day! i started panicking i guess because i started bracing myself for being single again, you know what i mean? it’s nice to think that i’m independent and don’t need my bf for anything. i mean, who wants to need someone? that’s always been my way of thinking: avoid getting into a situation in life where i really need someone because they may not be there for me and break my heart. and i’ve tried so hard for so long that i’m perfectly happy being detached from entanglements of emotions to friends and family for the most part. it’s not the best way to live. i know that. but i don’t totally isolate myself. i just remain detached from emotions, as much as i can, as much as possible.

but then earlier this year, i met my bf. i don’t know if he would agree, but i was sure we would never end up dating. so i was unguarded and somehow opened up myself without all the protective gear i put on. strange thing is that i wasn’t scared. i wanted to be with him more than i was scared to be heart-broken. so this relationship is kind of a milestone kind of relationship, the only relationship where i wasn’t afraid to be in a relationship and the first time i was in the relationship because i wanted to be in the relationship.

i guess though, over time, as one would expect, i discovered little by little that my bf isn’t perfect. who knew? i guess i knew but it didn’t really register. so now, 9 months into dating the same person, willingly, i’m realizing that it’s time to work together or call it quits. that’s what it seems like to me. either i get better about communicating and let him know how i feel about some of the things he does that make me less than happy. or it’s time to walk away.

i’m an expert at walking away. i mean, i need to borrow someone else’s hand if i wanted to count using hands how many relationships i walked out from, unscathed and untangled, effortlessly. so this past week, i’ve been on my eject mode, like push a button, like on batman’s bat-mobile, and i pop out of the relationship, i mean the car, just like that.

i wasn’t going to call my bf after sending him a quarterly report about what i was unhappy about until i heard from him first. well, i had high hopes for about a day. then my bf called to see how i was doing. then later that night we had a conversation where i was trying to articulate what i wanted in a relationship and ended up sounding like i was in deep deep fog. i really don’t know. i mean, i do know somethings about what i want in a relationship and that my bf and i aren’t there right now. but it’s really hard to put my finger on it.

then as i was saying things even i couldn’t make sense of or why i was saying something, i started missing my bf. oh i don’t know. i just wanted to see him. and hearing his voice and the way he thinks and talks, well, these are all the things that made me fall in love in the first place.

so i’m thinking now that maybe before one throws out the baby with the bathwater, it’s worth the effort to try to make things work. it’s just like buying a lottery ticket. well, not exactly. maybe it’s like applying to harvard when you don’t think you’ll get in to the school. you may or may not get in to the school. but if you don’t submit your application, then there’s no chance at all that you will get accepted. and if you apply and get rejected, well, you haven’t lost anything really. but if you get in, well, then you call up the financial aid office and negotiate a sweet financial aid package. hehe. ok, if you get in to whatever school of your dreams, then you go to the school and live life. that’s all. simply live.

so i’m changing gears. instead of bracing myself for popping out of the car, i’m going to buckle up and keep my eyes open and stay in the car. after all, it’s the only relationship i wasn’t afraid to commit to. so maybe i’ll be surprised. here’s to taking chances in life!