new home

i spent 5 days in chicago to visit my niece. 🙂 usually when i return from a trip, i feel all out of whack. but this time, because i came back on saturday and went to church on sunday i feel like i can just pick up my daily routine starting monday. last time i went away, i was away for about 10 days, missing a sunday at my home church. it took me about 3 weeks to feel normal again that time!

i feel like my life has settled into some kind of normal and stable phase. haha. just two weeks ago, i had way too much drama in my life. somehow getting away and coming back helped to tone down the drama in my life! totally thankful for that.

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so hard to go home

why is it so hard to go home?  i am supposed to fly to korea tomorrow morning.  i don’t want to pack.  i don’t know how i’m going to manage to keep myself busy or sleep for the entire 12-14 hrs of the flight from jfk.  and when i’m there except for 2-3 when my trip will overlap with a friend who is also visiting korea (from germany), i wil know no one else outside of my family, i mean, practically no one.  i fear that i will feel trapped in my parent’s apartment, no where to go, no one to hang out with, nothing to do.  well, the last bit i have some control over.  it’s not like i do a lot of things outside of the home here either.  i mostly stay in my bedroom.  i don’t even spend that much time in the living room.  and most of the time, i am doing things on my computer.  so maybe it doesn’t really matter that i will be in korea?  it’s just that everyone will be sleeping when i am up and i will be sleeping when everyone is up.  well, that’s not entirely true.  my bf will be up at about the same time as me and sleeping around the same time i might be.  it’s just that his sleep schedule is non-existent.  so maybe of all the people my waking hours might coincide the most with his.

what makes it so hard to go home?  my goodness it’s hard.  i’m having all kinds of pre-anxiety to anxiety to darn right overwhelming flood of anxiety about going home to see my parents.  i mean, all kinds of things are causing anxiety: plane ride, hours spent at home, hours not spent at home, talking to my parents, not talking to my parents, doomed if they hear me and doomed if they don’t hear me.  only thing i am sure i will like about my trip is coming back home, my home.  🙂

i tend to post more when i’m in korea so more frequent blogs to come in the next two weeks.

home

i didn’t go to korea to visit my parents this week as planned.  it must sound so bad.  but i feel really really good about this.  i know my parents love me.  i know i love them.  but where does the desire to want to see them or to spend time with them come from?  i’m not really getting a huge overwhelming sense of guilt nor the desire to go visit them.  i have felt this way for a few years now.  okay, maybe i have felt this way for over a decade.  living away from one’s parents, when you visit your parents, one would think that you feel at home when you go visit, right?  i don’t feel like i am visiting home when i go to visit my parents in korea.  all i feel is that i am visiting my parents in the place they happen to be living.  korea doesn’t seem like the place in which i grew up.  i don’t feel at home there.  i don’t feel at home with my parents either.  strangely, but honestly, i feel at home in otherways, in other places, with other people.  feeling at home is a mysterious and delicate feeling.  and lately i don’t know where i feel at home.  i sure do love to rest on my bed though, in my room, in the apartment i live with my sister.  🙂