roller coaster ride of my life

my last post was written on a good day.  i was able to get out and was motivated to get some work done.  but there is no smooth sailing in my life with depression.  past two weekends, i mostly stayed in my room and stayed inside the apartment (with the exception of last saturday night when i went out to dinner with a friend).  i’ve been having somewhat regular problem with sleeping at night.  for instance, this past week, for three straight nights i didn’t sleep at night at all.  in the morning, say around 8 or 9 am, i tried to get about an hour or two of sleep.  this past weekend, i stopped corresponding with friends and family through phone and e-mail.  i talked to one of my sisters a few times during the course of the weekend since we live together.

i just came back from therapy.  i find that i look forward to my therapy sessions.  my therapist makes sure i know that he is my advocate.  he listens and sympathizes but also challenges me to think about things i hadn’t thought of before and he also helps me to take a step back to get a different perspective.  my old therapist was great but i didn’t look forward to therapy sessions with her in the way that i do with my current therapist.

most of the time, especially if we were able to talk about things that matter to me, i end up feeling sad after therapy.  and today was one of those sessions.  i whole heartedly agree that my life is pretty good.  things could have turned out a lot worse.  but as for things in my life that had a negative effect on me, i have to see those things for what they are and not deny them or dismiss the significance of their effect on my life.  to see how something had a positive or negative effect on my life, i have to see the consequence of how something affected me.  i’d much rather not acknowledge that i am the way i am, that my life is the way it is, because of something that happend and how it affected me and how i responded to it.  it’s painful to see the connections and to accept the facts as they are.  when i do, i feel angry in some ways.  why did something happen to me when it did?  why?  why couldn’t have things have been different?   but then i remember that things could have been worse too and they are not.  i also feel sad when i see and accept that one thing affected another when the end product of the two things that are connected is my life as it is.

as i wrote to some friends, i realize after the accidental overdose, that God is standing in my way of successfully bringing an end to my existence here on earth.  when you realize your opponent is so powerful, wouldn’t you rather just accept the fact and be on their side?  i feel something like that.  if i can’t successfully end my life because God won’t let me, then instead of continuing to fight against what God wants (since the possibility of getting what i want is slim), i could just accept that success of getting things my way is unlikely to happen so i might as well join God’s side.  i mean, i could spend the rest of my life putting in time and effort to come up with a plan that would guarantee that i would suceed.  but if the evidence of the failure i had every time i attempted to end my life means anything, chances are i’m not going to suceed in the future.  so if i fold my cards now, i could save myself from spending more time and effort in something that isn’t going to be brought to completion.

i tried this before and idt didn’t work so well.  by joining God’s side, i accept that God has blessed me with my life with all the talents and circumstances that make me who i am.  practically speaking, i need to live instead of just waiting to die.  so i guess it’ll take a while for me to live the life God wants me to live.  in the mean time i have to accept that my life is a roller coaster rid:   some days, i am playing my best game and on others, i can’t even get out of bed or change out of my pjs.

i thought about things that contribute to the way i am now.  and those things are mostly painful things that didn’t make me feel good in the past and they certainly don’t make me feel good now.  but i have to face the factors that played a major role in shaping who i am today.  i’m afraid that if i talk about things in the past that it will be like waking up the ghosts who had been sleeping.  they might wake up, violently destroy things in the present, and all of it might be too overwhelming.  i know i need to face the ghosts but i just wan to say, this is really hard!  i’d rather sleep, maybe for eternity.  isn’t enough that things in the past that were painful will be painful again if they are given life in the present?  when someone says, ooh it hurts my arm when i move it this way.  don’t we then give this kind of response: well, don’t move your are that way if it causes you pain!  and in such exchange i am tempted to asy, well, then don’t do what causes you pain, you idiot!  but at the moment, i need to be an idiot and put my arm in the way that causes me to feel pain, so to speak.  all this thinking and writing is making me tired.  time for bed, i say!

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laugh or cry?

sometimes i can’t decide whether i should cry or laugh.  or even to decide whether i want to laugh or cry.  sometimes life presents you with such absurd and unexpected events and circumstances, that you don’t know how to respond.

and it’s not so strange now if/when i cry and i’m not in my therapist’s office.  i guess people cry sometimes.  i guess i cry sometimes.  who wouldn’t?  life… well it is what it is.  wish i could stay asleep for longer periods of time.  i really do.

update on my friend

my friend thought she had to take meds for a week and get blood work to see if there are abnormal cell growth.  but she realized the other day that she is supposed to take meds for 6 weeks then get blood work done.  she seems quite at peace and not really scared.  i think i am more scared for her than she is about herself.  the blood test at the end of 6 weeks may just be one of the many tests to come.  or not.  she’s probably wise not to worry too much right now.  they have already done a test and then told her she needs this additional test.  so in my mind this next blood test is rather important.

crisis mode can only hold up for so long. and i’m trying to be supportive and understanding one day at a time.  even though my friend says she’s not worried, i can see that she is making choices about how she spends her time more carefully.  i would do the same.  but shouldn’t we all do that all the time?  none of us know how long we are going to live for sure.  so we should do things that matter to us now, not put them off thinking that we can get to them later.  who knows?  maybe later won’t come.  all that to say, we should live, really live in the moment.  🙂

last day

i just had my last day of intensive group therapy.  today i really felt ready to “graduate” the program.  i’m going to miss my group members.  maybe i’ll just go hang out at the program so i could see the group members!  🙂  i didn’t think i could make it through the program but i did!  it feels great to know i have made it through the program with no hospital visits or other serious interruptions.  i probably learned more from the program than i can tell right now.

i’m feeling good about life at this moment. who knows,  tomorrow might be a difficult day.  but i can only live in the moment i am in now and right now it feels good to be where i am.  🙂  that’s a major major progress i would say (so would my therapist).

in memory

i’m sad to say that there has been a death in our extended family.  extended family is family and the sadness is real.

it’s weird being alive. i mean, really it is weird being alive. it’s so weird that the living go on living. what can we do but to go on living? the most we can do in order to honor the dead is to go on living.

about twenty years ago around this time, my friend committed suicide. and what i remember, aside from fear and sadness that i felt was being aware that i wasn’t dead. i thought, she would no longer come to my house, we would never do homework together, and she would never turn sixteen. for years i was haunted by her death. year after year when i went back to the town in which i grew up, i would visit her grave. and when i stood at her grave, looking down at the headstone, i wasn’t just over come with sadness but also with perhaps guilt that i was alive. with each milestone in my life i would think, she never turned eighteen, then later i would think, she never turned twenty one, thirty, so on. i can’t say that i miss her now. but i do remember her and still love her.

what if she hadn’t decided to kill herself…what would she be doing now? would we still be friends? would she be a mom like my sister? would she have been a career woman?

no one will ever know.

i was already depressed at the time my friend committed suicide. her death somehow prevented me from acting on my thoughts of escaping from this world. it seems inappropriate to be thankful to her death that helped me live. truth is, on most days, i’m not thankful to be alive. i just live, because i am alive. i should be grateful to be alive. i am thankful but yet i wonder, when will i be able to rest?

it’s funny how visiting family reminds me that these people, my family, especially my nieces and nephews, expect me to live. especially my nieces and nephews who don’t understand death wouldn’t think twice that i would visit them the next chance i could manage to see them. and i want to see them grow up, go to college, get married, have kids, etc., etc.

i really think that the living can honor the dead best by going on living, the best they know how. rest in peace… we can’t join you in death, but you will always be in our hearts and in our memories.

reality check

someone in my extended family is dying. it really made me sad to hear about it. his health has been failing for a while now…

when you think about your loved ones and perhaps even when imagining the death of your loved ones, the imagination may fail us. what we imagine might be some what abstract. that’s how it is for me when i imagine a world in which i am not a part of.

my fight is to keep myself from killing myself. i live in someways because i cannot die. but today, a little while ago, it really hit home for me that there are people who are really dying, not by choice. while in somewhat immature and crazy ways i think of ending the pain in my life by dying an early death, others are trying to stay alive, if not for themselves than for their loved ones.

i don’t know that i will always feel this way – but at this moment, i’m really sorry. i’m truly sorry for trying to take my life time and time again when i’m young and healthy. i realize at this moment that people are supposed to live and to try to live, the best they can, for as long as they can.

i knew him not that well and have seen him only a few times. he was always nice and gentle, thoughtful and caring. he’s still alive so i don’t mean to speak as if he isn’t. but things being as serious as they are, i just want to express that in the short time i knew him, and in the brief encounters we have had, he is a man who lives/ed and loves/ed greatly, and he will never be forgotten in the hearts of those who love him.

my deepest, most heart felt condolences to my extended family…