silent response

after a month of silence, I spoke to my significant other finally. he said a month of silence doesn’t mean he wanted to break up with me. I am baffled and relieved at the same time. DTR, aka defining the relationship is to be continued next week. I never understood how some couples stay together. I’m beginning to understand where hearts of two people are involved, two hearts connected or tangled up on love, nothing is simple. logic or common sense doesn’t apply as one might expect. people have different issues and when two people with life time worth of issues, shaped by upbringing, family, cultural, religious beliefs and practices, you can’t assume you know until you confirm with your other half. only by the grace of God is it possible to protect oneself and each other. where hearts are involved, risk of getting heart broken is real and near. strange thing about love is, it makes me overcome my fears about getting heart broken. if I was so sure after a month of silence that only possible explanation was that the relationship was over, I wonder, how much I have grieved God due to my silence when God was waiting for me.

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Merry Christmas…the year all my wishes came true

Merry Christmas, everyone! This was a great Christmas. One friend proposed to a girlfriend of eleven years and she said yes! Another friend gave birth to a beautiful girl! My boyfriend and I are together, again. 🙂 We got to spend Christmas together. And I have a great roommate. I get to see my nieces and my two sisters in two days. I finished four units of CPE which means my badges in hospitals will now say chaplain instead of chaplain intern. I got great feedback on my final paper and terrific grade in the class I was taking. At this point in my life, for everything I could ask for, I got. So happy and feeling great! Thank you, God! Thank you, Jesus!

New Era

so after about nine months, the relationship is over.  i’m still processing everything, sorting things out in my head and in my heart.  i’m sure the decision to stop dating was the right decision for both of us.  how could such a right decision feel so wrong?  i’m happy to be single.  maybe i wasn’t even made to be part of a relationship but to be a self-sufficient single person for the rest of my life.  but after nine months of sharing my life with someone, it feels weird not to have someone to call to talk about things that happened to me that i want to share with someone who really cares about me.  a week after we broke up, i was told on the phone, yes, i do love you.  was i supposed to be happy to hear confirmation of how he felt about me, a week after we mutually broke up?  love is a funny thing.  at this point, to be honest, i don’t even know what it means when someone says i love you.  i used to say i love you a lot.  i stopped saying it when i got tired of hearing thank you after i said i love you.  thank you isn’t bad.  it’s better than silence.  …  i feel as though i have lived a life of unrequited love.  it’s not that no one has ever been in love with me.  it’s never at the same time, or at the right place in our lives, etc.  in times like these, i am so thankful that my identity is so strongly defined by what i do and how i relate to the world than by whether there is a person who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  i was really sad two weeks ago about breaking up with the person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with.  for half a week, i lost my appetite so much i lost few pounds.  but now my appetite is back, but not the way it used to be.  and now i don’t want to be sad.  i want to get used to my life as a single person.  maybe i should get used to it for good.  i could spend my energy instead on developing and deepening friendships, good friendships.  end of an era brings in beginning of a new era.  in this new era, i plan on being more caring of my self, more loving to my self, and gentler on my self.  if i don’t love myself, i’m not sure anyone else will, well no human being in any case.

relationships are complicated

oh who would have guess it?  i sure could not have.  after two weeks of break, my boyfriend and i got back together.  i know how we broke up.  i’m not exactly sure how we got back together except that we both wanted to.  i mean, i think all the reasons for breaking up are still valid.  but it was also true that we missed each other and still cared about each other.  so there you have it.  “life is an interesting journey,” and relationships are complicated!

when your wishes come true

sometimes you wish for something. and one day you get what you wished for. i’m having one of those experiences. i am getting to know someone better as he is getting to know me better. and as much as i hoped to meet someone who would actually care about what i think and actually see me, i am surprised that this is happening! what do you do when you finally meet someone who is starting to know you well enough to know what makes you hurt and what makes you laugh? it’s hard finding someone who “gets” you. but now that someone actually “gets” me, things are more complicated rather than being easier. i honestly think long-term relationship is out of the question more for his sake than for mine… i just want to be here for a while. i mean here’s someone who actually likes that i have a mind of my own. he actually likes me. he likes the person that i am right now, not someone he wishes i’ll become or the person i used to be. that feels really amazing. but i’m afraid if i stay too long, my heart will make decisions that my head should be making!