crying on the inside

well, maybe it doesn’t really matter that i’m crying on the inside if tears are flowing down on my face as well?  i feel sadness all around me and in me.  being paged to ICU patients who are kept alive by ventilators…comforting families at the end of life with their loved ones…and well, in other news, in my personal life, i think for the last time my boyfriend and i are no longer dating.  it’s a strange phenomena actually.  i feel sad.  i feel it was the right and best decision for both of us.  we both care about each other more than we do about anyone else in this world.  i want to spend the rest of my life with him and don’t want any one else but myself to spend the rest of our lives together.  not true for my ex-boyfriend.  yes, he cares about me.  yes, he’s greatly appreciative of all the ways in which i helped him in his life.  no, he will never forget me.  yes, i will always be in his heart.  best heart-felt break up i was ever a part of.  something in me tells me that while i love him and would and could spend rest of my life with him, that it would be stupid, hurtful to myself to stay with him when he doesn’t feel the same way about me.  i love him under any condition and circumstance.  he loves me in a limited way – here and now for while things work out for both of us, but not enough to commit himself whole-heartedly to growing and working together.  i sense that i will benefit immensely from not being part of a relationship where it was impossible for there to be a future.  but the pain and sadness now is real.  with God by myself and some spirits in me, i’m good to go.

Advertisements