it’s so uncool to cry in public places, especially a public place like starbucks where everyone is running from one place to another, sitting and chatting with friends or studying something because their entire life depends on that paper or exam or whatever. i can’t help it though. tears find their way out the corners of my eyes, rolling down my face. how many days do i really have left to live? no, i am not terminally ill, as in having cancer or HIV positive. but i am deathly plagued by an illness, kind of like the illness where your white cells attack your own cells because they think their own cells are foreign antigens or something? actually, it’s not exactly like that. i know i am me. i just don’t want to be. i am not in favor of my physical well being if it is without psychological/mental/spiritual well being as well.
as i do sometimes when i’m not busy trying to end my life, i am sitting up in a coffee shop (instead of lying in my bed), and trying to read and write something that i find interesting and meaningful. these are just one of the few moments, one of the few things, that i find worth while and would choose to do in my waking hours. i don’t know what it is about working out, understanding, and creating complex ideas and theories that most people walking down the streets don’t think about for more than two seconds if they think about such things at all!
i find that i am blessed to be able to pick topics to read and write about that are of personal interest to me philosophically, theologically, or spiritually. my current project is one in which i try to work out two different theories on value: one person argues that values are for the most part socially dependent and the other pereson argues that there are intrinsic values in things, like being human beings. anyway i’ll see if/what/how i can contribute to the discussion. today so far is a great day! with or without tears, even if i happen to be crying and feeling sad in a public place surrounded by christmas decorations, happy music and chatters of excitement, today is a day i am glad to have lived and looking forward to living.