what i was made for

i called my mom this morning and talk to her for a long time. i realized as i was talking to her that on days i study i am not anxious, i feel pretty good over all and i am motivated to do other things as well. but on days i don’t study, i feel anxious, feel apathetic and unmotivated about everything! was i made to study? i’m beginning to believe that. i think God made me in such a way that i would find purpose and meaning in life when i study and not when i don’t. it isn’t even a matter of how good i am academically. studying for me is a matter of survival it seems. wonder how many people are made the way i was made. i’m a nerd and i’m proud of who i am. 🙂


i think i’m a creature of habit and structure in daily routine. i felt really anxious couple weeks ago. the entire week i kept feeling anxious and didn’t know why. then later i figured out i’m feeling anxious because my work was feeling unstable. i was putting in a lot of hours, felt like i was being asked to do more, while being asked to take a pay cut. it just didn’t make sense to me to be asked to do more while taking a pay cut! anxiety slowly started dissipating when i started being proactive about how else i would make additional income so i can pay for my bills. and realizing that i want to go back to school sooner or later, i started to study again. wow. doing those two things were more effective for reducing anxiety than going to therapy once a week. well, i don’t have a therapist right now anyway. but i feel better than when i did have a therapist and was seeing her once a week!

so i’m learning that i’m really not a free-spirit if that means being able to do things without having a structured schedule set out for myself. even with exercising, i had to set up a regular schedule. without a regular schedule planned out ahead of time, i really am bit of a challenge to get myself motivated to do anything!

good to know and good to make adjustment in my life to accommodate the kind of person i am. can’t fake who i am. just have to accept that i need structure and perform best when i’m being disciplined.

it helps to have goals too, of course. so planning to score above 90% in both verbal and math section of the GRE by early July. last time my verbal was fine but math section was lower in percentile than i am capable of getting. i mean, GRE math section is more about working fast without making mistakes than it is about knowing complicated math stuff.

feeling so much better about everything right now. feeling grounded. anchored. sturdy. 🙂