i called my mom this morning and talk to her for a long time. i realized as i was talking to her that on days i study i am not anxious, i feel pretty good over all and i am motivated to do other things as well. but on days i don’t study, i feel anxious, feel apathetic and unmotivated about everything! was i made to study? i’m beginning to believe that. i think God made me in such a way that i would find purpose and meaning in life when i study and not when i don’t. it isn’t even a matter of how good i am academically. studying for me is a matter of survival it seems. wonder how many people are made the way i was made. i’m a nerd and i’m proud of who i am. 🙂
i wish i could say i had no more papers to write. wait, do i really wish for that? anyway i turned in the paper on nihilism earlier this week. i kept thinking of more and more things i could work on. so at some point i just called it “finished!” someone told me that paper that is done is better than a perfect paper (which is not finished and may never be finished).
i go on line obsessively to check for the grade. but it’s only been two or three days. maybe on tuesday the grade for the paper will be up.
so after writing a paper on nietzsche when i knew virtually nothing about him before writing this paper, i’m writing about plato. i read the books easily enough. but man it’s really hard to tease out the arguments in the dialogues!
all in all, i’d rather be working on papers than not. i know. it’s sick. my friend seems to amuse herself by saying that she’s a nerd whenever she’s studying for an exam (especially if she’s studying over the weekend). but if she’s a nerd then i am off the charts. but not only do i study on weekends, i actually enjoy it and would choose to do it even if i had the choice to do something else! of course i don’t always feel this way. there are “bad” days when i want to and do sleep the entire day. but then there are days like today when i love that i am thinking. yes. i am happy just to be thinking. and that i am thinking about philosophical and religious ideas is a huge huge bonus.
i’m loving life – with the aid of cocktail of drugs of course. my latest love: ativan!