what i was made for

i called my mom this morning and talk to her for a long time. i realized as i was talking to her that on days i study i am not anxious, i feel pretty good over all and i am motivated to do other things as well. but on days i don’t study, i feel anxious, feel apathetic and unmotivated about everything! was i made to study? i’m beginning to believe that. i think God made me in such a way that i would find purpose and meaning in life when i study and not when i don’t. it isn’t even a matter of how good i am academically. studying for me is a matter of survival it seems. wonder how many people are made the way i was made. i’m a nerd and i’m proud of who i am. 🙂

and then there were none

i wish i could say i had no more papers to write.  wait, do i really wish for that?  anyway i turned in the paper on nihilism earlier this week.  i kept thinking of more and more things i could work on.  so at some point i just called it “finished!”  someone told me that paper that is done is better than a perfect paper (which is not finished and may never be finished).

i go on line obsessively to check for the grade.  but it’s only been two or three days.  maybe on tuesday the grade for the paper will be up.

so after writing a paper on nietzsche when i knew virtually nothing about him before writing this paper, i’m writing about plato.  i read the books easily enough.  but man it’s really hard to tease out the arguments in the dialogues!

all in all, i’d rather be working on papers than not.  i know.  it’s sick.  my friend seems to amuse herself by saying that she’s a nerd whenever she’s studying for an exam (especially if she’s studying over the weekend).  but if she’s a nerd then i am off the charts.  but not only do i study on weekends, i actually enjoy it and would choose to do it even if i had the choice to do something else!  of course i don’t always feel this way.  there are “bad” days when i want to and do sleep the entire day.  but then there are days like today when i love that i am thinking.  yes.  i am happy just to be thinking.  and that i am thinking about philosophical and religious ideas is a huge huge bonus.

i’m loving life – with the aid of cocktail of drugs of course.  my latest love: ativan!