even when things are going well, it’s possible to feel like nothing is going well.  and i know that it’s all a matter of perspective.  well, i’m having problems with the perspective thing.  i’m feeling sad, inadequate, and lots of guilt.  sure enough i have a medical condition, i need help of others at times to stay safe.  but i don’t want to be like this.  i hate that i need others to babysit me.  i hate that people worry about me and need to check up on me.  i hate that my doctor can’t trust me with a newly filled bottle of prescription medicine.  i hate that i need group therapy as well as individual therapy.  most of all i hate the fact that i still am not able to contract for safety 24/7.  because, on days like this when i feel extremely sad, probably over nothing warranting this kind of sadness, i just want to escape.  i’m over the i want to end my life phase.  but still there are days i just want to check out temporarily even if i no longer want a permanent escape.  so i’m contemplating a little escape for myself right here right now to extend the night into the day, for as long as i can to stay in deep sleep without interruption of being woken up in the morning.


today is a hard day.  one of those days when you wish you could just get to tomorrow as soon as possible.  the past does not dictate the future.  but it sure can contaminate it!

i haven’t felt suicidal in about 2 months, but still have overdosed once in the past month.  i’m not sure whether or how long this apparent emotional stability is going to last.  i feel like i’m only a few steps away from doing irreversible damage.  somehow i always wake up with no organ damage or any other kind of permanent damage.  but who knows when i may one day not wake up, or wake up in a coma or with serious brain damage?

today i feel like everything may fall apart, that everything may come crashing down and that maybe i better be prepared for things just in case.

i just came back from an appointment with my psychopharmacologist.  i started crying while she was typing up notes.  i tried hard to stop crying, wiping away the tears as fast as i could.  i was hoping she wouldn’t notice.  i was hoping that if she didn’t see me cry that maybe i could stop crying and that may be my sadness would just go away.  but i couldn’t stop crying.  and i’m scared, terrified actually.

when you know how bad things can be, and you know sooner or later it’s going to hit you again, well, the time in between is just time i’m sitting in the waiting room.  and in some ways, waiting for the storm to hit can be more nerve wrecking than how things might feel in the middle of the storm.  ok, so middle of the storm if bad too.  AND the time anticipating or waiting for the storm to hit is bad as well.

to sum up how i feel today, life sucks when you feel crappy.  time doesn’t go fast enough.  the night doesn’t come soon enough.  and the waiting is unbearable.  so yeah, life sucks.  that’s all i have to say today.

changes, big changes

i haven’t updated in so long.  it’s hard to know where to even start.  when i don’t update for a while, i feel like there is so much to say i just don’t know where to start.

the biggest news of this year is that for the first time since spring of 2002, i have had about 5-6 weeks of complete absence of suicidal ideation!  sure i still get depressed and still cry.  and still have overdosed, last time being couple weeks ago, the most i ever over-dosed on any kind of pill.  but even when i have felt depressed, the intensity of the feeling has not been as oppressive.  i don’t think that i want to end my life and that to do so would be the only way to get out of the unbearable pain.

so what to attribute to this crazy improvement in my chronic depression?  i know one thing that played a major role is starting to date my boyfriend.  guess things happen when you least expect it.  so i wasn’t thinking chatting on-line with someone might actually lead to friendship, mutual respect and acceptance and as well romantic relationship.  i’ve dated plenty of times before.  actually i stopped dating in the past ten years or so to stop the crazy cycle of dating guys casually just because they were interested in dating me.  i had decided about ten years ago, that i would only date if/when i want to date and that i would want to date only someone i was interested in, liked, respected, and was attracted to.  i’m sure i had some combination of a list working in my head.  but when you meet someone in person, the list flies out the window, right?  because the real person is a real person, not a pre-made up package.

think it helped also that i had changed my therapist last october and am starting to make progress, i would like to think.

i was supposed to get new meds also.  did end up getting one new med in the hospital couple weeks ago.  but not the medicine i was supposed to go on.  my new psychopharm wants to put me on depakote.  but we haven’t been able to start up on it yet.  i am back on abilify, although the dose i’m on now is so little it could hardly make any difference.

so the rest of the world lives this way, right?  everyday living life without actively or passively trying to figure out how to end their life?  trying to figure out a good time when one might actually proceed with the plan.  and trying to figure out to what extent and what things one could do before their last day to help the loved ones when you know they are going to be in tremendous grief and sadness as a direct result of what you are about to do?

the world and life, all of it, it’s not fair or easy.  no one says that it is.  but still, the first time i woke up after my antidepressants kicked in, i felt elated, not because of how i felt from the medicine but to feel like i wasn’t chained down and weighed down so that maybe at some point during the day, i might be able to come up for air so to speak.  i realized that day that most people start their day off at my high point of the day which i sometimes don’t even make it to.  then their days just go up or down from there.  i felt both liberated and betrayed.  how come rest of the world has it so easy?  as if they have perfect vision and had it all their lives.  i had only discovered that the blurriness of the things i see was not how things really are for rest of the world.

likewise, to live a tremendously long period of time (in my life 6 weeks free of suicidal ideation is like an eternity!) not trying to kill myself, i hardly know what to do with all the time and energy that is left over!  so anyway, 6 weeks of “sobriety” from suicidal urges/ideation/attempt.  then what was the bad bad overdose two weeks ago?  really have no idea.  but i was not trying to not wake up forever.  i just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep until i could wait out the storm.  i was hoping that when i would wake up from the sleep that i would not feel so bad, so scared, so nervous, so worried, and so sad.

i’m still here: last will, burial site, funeral homes

i haven’t written a post in a long long time. i suppose things are okay. i’m still breathing. what else is new?

couple weeks ago, after coming back from california, the entire week i had difficulty breathing, mainly due to anxiety i think. then on the thursday of that week, i felt so so sad that i started crying. i put aside my jewelry worth keeping, put them in envelopes for my sister and cousin to hold onto until their daughters get old enough. it was crazy! i was totally sad even as i was sealing the packages. i wrote address on them and they were ready for the post office or ups. i didn’t make it to ups or post office since i was so sad and had to move onto take care of other affairs!

i started researching online for burial sites in cemeteries. i didn’t really do a good job finding cemeteries that are offering free/open space for ground burial. i looked up funeral homes near my place to check out which of the funeral homes near my place would be most convenient for my friends and family. i found out that you can make arrangements with a funeral home and tell them ahead of time what kind of casket you want and reserve space that suits the needs or tastes of the deceased. there are three or four funeral homes within mile or two distance from my place.

i found online somehow. the site is like turbotax for last will, living will, corporation, patent or other kinds of legal document. it didn’t take that long to answer the questions. within 20 min i had a” last will” online! i didn’t pay so i don’t have a hard copy or e-mail version of the will. it gave me ideas about what kinds of things i should settle/decide before i die so that when i’m not able to tell friends and family what i would have done, they would know exactly what to do with my stuff.

i was able to keep myself from actually engaging in a self-harming behavior by logically (as much as i could) considering the outcome of impulsive overdose or any other means of attempting to end my life. i knew (from past attempts) i didn’t have nearly enough pills to do anything more than get a good night sleep even if i pushed down every single pill (both over the counter and prescribed medicine) in my possession. i considered other means of bringing my life to an end. i considered hanging myself but decided against it because i didn’t have any rope, i don’t think my belts would really hold me up since i gained so much weight during past few years, and our bathroom, unlike may others i have seen in movies where people have hung themselves, there is nothing structurally strong enough to tie toe rope to! anyway, i was able to come to the conclusion fairly fast that i didn’t have the means to be successful and if i am not, then i might end up in some hospital that i don’t like and be at the mercy of health providers who seem more interested in clocking in than helping the patients.

it’s good to be smart, or at least fairly intelligent. it’s true that i could probably figure out most anything i want to find out by doing research. so on the one hand being resourceful can be deadly. but as it turned out on that thursday, you can talk yourself through your impulse to do reversible or irreversible damage to yourself by thinking through one step at a time, being practical and realistic about the outcome.

having come to the conclusion, as one does in a math proof, that it doing anything just to do something would be foolish, i gave myself a week to reconsider during which time if i kept feeling sad, hopeless and suicidal i could acquire materials i needed or at least come up with a plan that would have some chance of bringing the desired outcome.

i entered a scheduled event in my calendar on my iphone a week from the time i was suicidal. the title of the event and place, well, i couldn’t very well enter the specifics if i don’t want others to find out, right? so the title of the event was “untitled” and place of the event was “unknown.” it would have seemed mysterious to others what event was supposed to happen a week later. but i knew and i was aware of the time passing and that there would be a kind of a “critical” decision point once again a week later.

fortunately, starting the next day, i noticed i wasn’t feeling the intensity of pain and emptiness as much as the day before. i was not nearly as sad and i wasn’t crying uncontrollably without having a clue as to why i was crying. so the week passed and i didn’t accomplish something each day to prepare for a successful attempt at “final exit.” i told my therapist and he was pretty calm about it the whole time i was describing what had happened and how i was able to not act on the impulses. anyway, he just asked at the end of the session, do you need to go to the hospital or are you safe? it’s amazing how much trust exists between my therapist and myself and probably also between other therapists and their clients. i said i was feeling safe. and that i didn’t need to go to the hospital. and that was that. he said see you next week. i said good night.

accidental overdose

i was putting off blogging so that i wouldn’t have to process all that happened in the past week.  well, now it’s time to process.  and i process best by writing.  so  you see how this blog is practically necessary for me.

after i wrote the last blog last wednesday night, sometime after that and sometime before i fell asleep, i got rid of every last sleeping pill that i had.  it all went down my throat somehow.  i only remember the first batch.  i didn’t intend on consuming anymore.  i discovered two days later that i couldn’t find a single sleeping pill.  i searched my trash can and the best of detective work tells me that i took every last sleeping pill that was in my reach.

i don’t know how i woke up the next day, albeit the sun had already gone down.  i woke up to a phone call and rushed out the door to show up for my dinner appointment.  i got there by car too.  at the time, i didn’t know i had taken all the rest of the sleeping pills.  so i drove myself to and back from my friend’s house.  i only started suspecting something was wrong with me when that night i started throwing up everything i could until i had nothing more to throw up.  my friend was fine when i inquired about his health the next morning.  so i figured it wasn’t the food that was the problem.  something with me was the matter and that’s what kept me up all night and why i didn’t feel well.

most of the time, after i abuse over the counter or prescribed medicine, i call someone and get help within the first couple of hours.  but this time, i didn’t call for help.  i didn’t think i needed help.  anyway, i was way beyond any kind of coherent state of mind by the time i actually fell asleep.  and by the time i woke up, the pills had probably done all, if not most, the damage it could have done.  and so for sure, two days later when i realized i had taken way too many sleeping pills, that i was still alive amazed me and i seemed to be doing relatively well physically.  psychologically, i was in shock, disbelief, scared, and lost.

i always wondered what accidental overdose is all about.  now i know what it means and how it can happen!  after i realized what happened, i didn’t call my therapsit to tell him what had happened, what i had done, and how i was doing.  i was scared that in my incoherent state that i continued to take pills.  why?  why did i keep taking the sleeping pills?  sleeping pills don’t put me to sleep anyway for the most part.  i wasn’t trying to sleep so i don’t even know why i took them in the first place.  i wondered, does my inner most self that lies beneath the surface really want to end my life?  at the very least, it wasn’t trying to look out for my health!  i concluded after some thought over the next few days that i wasn’t trying to kill myself knowingly or accidentally.  it’s the list of things that i didn’t do that makes me conclude that i wasn’t trying to kill myself.  i didn’t drink alcohol which was easily accessible which would have intensified the effects of the sleeping pills.  i didn’t take my prescribed medicine, not even a single one.  i only took sleeping pills that night.

part of me wants to live.  part of me wants to not live if the quality of life sucks, as it has been for me in the past 6 years with severe depression.   so if the quality of life can’t be improved, then the only choice left, it seems to me at times when i am under extreme excruciating pain, is to stop the pain and if life is what allows for the pain to continue, then it must end.  anyway that’s something like what my mind runs through when i am not doing well.

i told my therapist last night about what happened.  he made some interesting observations.  actions i choose, when they harm me physically, psychologically, or spiritually, set me back from recovery.  he said we could choose to work on whether to die or not to die, the impulses i have, and how i cope with the impulses when i experience them, etc.  or we could work on how i might live life, life where the quality of life is desirable.  anyway for now he said he could and would hold all of hope for both of us that i might/will get better.

so practically what does this all mean?   i mean, if i can’t kill myself with all the sleeping pills i took last week (believe me i had a lot of sleeping pills and i took them all!), i don’t know what will get the job done.  either i am unbreakable or God keeping me alive, protecting me from myself at times when i am most vulnerable.

what do i do next?  i guess i probably will do things as i have been doing without major changes.  but i will at least be aware as i am choosing an action, whether it will promote or hinder my recovery.  i don’t know about the value or quality of life in general, for others.  but my life, as it has been, is unacceptable!  i don’t want to live the life i have been living.  that life, i want to end!  i will fight to end that life for as long as i can, even if it kills me.  through therapy, through medicine, through prayer, through support, and coping skills, for now, i will fight to bring an end to the crappy, painful, life that is soaked in despair.  if depression can’t be managed, then i, with my unrelenting depression, may have to say farewell to this world.  but if somehow i can find some breathing space, some wiggle room, and ways to fight back the depression, i’ll be here that much longer.  as my friend keeps reminding me, the battle remains to be fought, it is on-going, and the towel shall not be thrown in, not even if it takes my last breathe to continue the fight.

just for the record!

today is not a good day to die.  i haven’t seen my neices and nephews yet.  i haven’t said bye to all the friends who went home for thanskgiving.  i’m supposed to give someone a ride back from the airport on friday night.  must live until then i think.  wouldn’t you agree?

i am however aware of this lovely opportunity to try beautifully…  all the ingredients are there.  i just have to mix them in my stomach without throwing them back up.  hmmm   for the longest time i would obssess about the grief and trauma that the person who first found me would feel/see/experience.  i don’t worry about that now because i have no idea who is going to visit me before my sister comes back.

so then why do i keep increasing the number of pills which are supposed to help me to sleep?  it’s too bad that i don’t feel like drinking alcohol.  guess i’ll have to face tomorrow, then.

today is a lovely day for cleaning out all the sleeping pills that are on top of my dresser.  yes.  yes.  can’t see them anymore.  they are no longer reminding me that i could take them.  i need not be tempted, because i have taken them.

i have been told that i have an amazing tolerance for drugs.  i think it’s true.  i seem to be able to take in huge dosages of medicine before they come into therapeutic range.

i think i’m going to sleep in tomorrow.  so no one call me before noon!  later in the day would be even more appreciated, of course.  happy thurkey-day friends!