be still my soul

“be still my soul: the Lord is on your side; bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; leave to your God to order and provide, in every change he faithful will remain. be still my soul: your best, your heav’nly friend, thru thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.”

i was having a hard time last week in the midst of DTR (defining the relationship) with my bf. so my bible study group leader sent me words of a hymn to find some peace in the words of the hymn. and wow what an encouragement and comfort the hymn has been to me. i don’t want it to be the case that through thorny ways i will be brought to a joyful end. but i think that is what is happening. and i am thankful, for the Lord is on my side. things may or may not turn out the way i want them to. but i know that God will order and provide for all my needs. it’s just hard for to take a blow in the heart.

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wishes wishes wishes

i wish i could stay in the air just floating.  i don’t want to feel anything because feelings might be bad and unbearable.  i just want to sleep or somehow be awake without feeling or being aware of feelings.  yes.  yes.

as i am alone in the house this week, i plan on sleeping as much as i can and staying “unaware” for as long as i can.  if i must live because i can’t die, then i want to live without feeling pain.  fair enough, don’t you think?  and for now that means grey goose and orange juice and over the counter sleep aids, allergy medicine, or pain relievers.  yes.  yes.

if i must live, i guess i have to.  but it doesn’t mean i have to enjoy it or that i have to be conscious of my feelings or anything else for that matter.  yes. yes.

does anyone know how i can stay alive without feeling anything, especially not pain so that no one would have to grieve for my death and i don’t have to live in pain?

facebook replaces sleep

i couldn’t sleep all night.  it’s now 8:30 am, so i’m guessing i won’t be sleeping today.  so i was on the internet all night, well, practically all night.  i was mostly on facebook.  i used to wonder, gosh, what could people possibly do on facebook that could take so much time?  well, now i know.  you can search for people through schools, by class, through friends of friends and see anyone new signed up or find someone you missed the last time you checked.  and i did find a handful of people last night!  i didn’t select year i graduated from highschool.  and when i did choose my graduating year to check to see who else was on facebook, well, well, well, i was shocked to say the least!  yes i found friends i didn’t know were on facebook.  and then i found friends of friends who i didn’t know were on facebook as well.  but the most shocking thing is reading through names and profile pictures of people who supposedly went to school with you.  and oh, maybe about 70-80% of the people who selected the same graduating class as me, i couldn’t recognize their names and of course profile pictures didn’t help.  in all the years that passed, people lost weight, put on weight, aged, tanned, their hair styles are different, etc.

it’s easy to find people to add once you recognize their profile picture or name.  but then there are some people who you have to take time to consider, do i really want them as friends on facebook?  people might have various reasons for not wanting the whole world to be their friends on facebook.  only my profile picture can be viewed by friends of friends and people in my network.  everything else, you have to be my friend.  on some people’s profile, you can view their friends.  i don’t know why, but i chose not to make my friend list available to those who may not really know me.  for friends on my facebook site, all kinds of info is made accessible that was not accessible before someone becomes my friend on facebook.  people can find all my blog sites on this site so maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal.  but on facebook, people i know, when they become friends on facebook have access to all the blogsites as well.  and you know, it’s easier to bear your soul to strangers than it is to people you grew up with, or those you go/went to school with, or people you work/ed with, etc.  i even found one person who i used to have a crush on in high school.  would i want him to be my friend on facebook so that he could read up on all that i’ve been going through in the past few years?  i decided for now that i didn’t want to add him as a friend.  who knows, maybe later i’ll feel better and wouldn’t mind adding anyone that i know.

so for better or worse, instead of sleeping, i have been on facebook, twitter, and other blogsites that i hadn’t logged onto in months!  it’s nice to have so many blogsites when you can’t sleep.  but for all other purposes, i wish i didn’t have a gazillion blogsites where i have posted blogs, poems and pictures.  i have that much more work to do if/when i want to archive the words i wrote in the past few years.  and those words, especially on my xanga sites, those words were written in blood, with tears and in excruciating pain when i had other way to channel the despair.

anyway, so much for sleep.  i think i’ll go get some coffee!

yesterday

i felt so awful yesterday.  i felt physical pain as well as emotional distress.  i didn’t feel that i could move so i couldn’t go exercise as planned.  somehow i managed to go to group therapy.  during group i felt like i was floating, my attention was going in and out, and basically i think i was detached from my surroundings.  my sister had dropped me off.  and i asked her to pick me up because i didn’t think i could walk home.  man oh man.  i didn’t know i could feel so bad.  usually when i feel bad i stay in bed so i’m not aware of the physical sensations that my emotional state cases.  yesterday, however, since i managed to get to group, i was conscious of the physical discomfort associated with feeling badly emotionally.  

thank god i feel better this morning.  i went to morning prayer and i’m really glad that i went.  there’s nothing i look forward to or care about except for morning prayer.