so hard to go home

why is it so hard to go home?  i am supposed to fly to korea tomorrow morning.  i don’t want to pack.  i don’t know how i’m going to manage to keep myself busy or sleep for the entire 12-14 hrs of the flight from jfk.  and when i’m there except for 2-3 when my trip will overlap with a friend who is also visiting korea (from germany), i wil know no one else outside of my family, i mean, practically no one.  i fear that i will feel trapped in my parent’s apartment, no where to go, no one to hang out with, nothing to do.  well, the last bit i have some control over.  it’s not like i do a lot of things outside of the home here either.  i mostly stay in my bedroom.  i don’t even spend that much time in the living room.  and most of the time, i am doing things on my computer.  so maybe it doesn’t really matter that i will be in korea?  it’s just that everyone will be sleeping when i am up and i will be sleeping when everyone is up.  well, that’s not entirely true.  my bf will be up at about the same time as me and sleeping around the same time i might be.  it’s just that his sleep schedule is non-existent.  so maybe of all the people my waking hours might coincide the most with his.

what makes it so hard to go home?  my goodness it’s hard.  i’m having all kinds of pre-anxiety to anxiety to darn right overwhelming flood of anxiety about going home to see my parents.  i mean, all kinds of things are causing anxiety: plane ride, hours spent at home, hours not spent at home, talking to my parents, not talking to my parents, doomed if they hear me and doomed if they don’t hear me.  only thing i am sure i will like about my trip is coming back home, my home.  🙂

i tend to post more when i’m in korea so more frequent blogs to come in the next two weeks.

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home

i didn’t go to korea to visit my parents this week as planned.  it must sound so bad.  but i feel really really good about this.  i know my parents love me.  i know i love them.  but where does the desire to want to see them or to spend time with them come from?  i’m not really getting a huge overwhelming sense of guilt nor the desire to go visit them.  i have felt this way for a few years now.  okay, maybe i have felt this way for over a decade.  living away from one’s parents, when you visit your parents, one would think that you feel at home when you go visit, right?  i don’t feel like i am visiting home when i go to visit my parents in korea.  all i feel is that i am visiting my parents in the place they happen to be living.  korea doesn’t seem like the place in which i grew up.  i don’t feel at home there.  i don’t feel at home with my parents either.  strangely, but honestly, i feel at home in otherways, in other places, with other people.  feeling at home is a mysterious and delicate feeling.  and lately i don’t know where i feel at home.  i sure do love to rest on my bed though, in my room, in the apartment i live with my sister.  🙂

life line

somehow i’m managing to write again.  it’s amazing.  since last night i’m writing and organizing my thoughts.  how is this possible?  wow.  wow.  wow.

yesterday was parents day in korea where my parents live.  so i called mom then dad to thank them.  in response they thanked me.  huh?  i guess they were thankful that i (really my sister who informed me that it was parents day in korea) remembered to call them.  their expectation of me/us must be really really low.  it’s all good.  i’d rather surprise them than not meet their expectations.

i’m not sure what really changed…something seems different.  why am i not afraid of writing a bad paper?  how am i able to just write?  when i talked to my dad yesterday he said that one has to finish what one started because otherwise it just feels icky, and the unfinished business will keep hanging over you all of your life.  did that somehow motivate me?  who knows?  at times like this, it doesn’t matter what jump started my brain and got the creative juices flowing.

no you didn’t! top five comments my clueless mom and dad made about me in the past 10 days

1. who’s the parent?

my dad told my younger sister that she better marry me off or make me lose weight!

2. as if!

i said to my dad, how can you write a book on how to be wealthy (happy) when your own daughter has made so many trips to the hospital? my dad told me to read the book.

then i said to my mom, how can you help strangers as a psychologist when you can’t even understand your own daughter who has depression? my mom said, depression is not my specialty.

when i asked them both if they have read even one book on depression on my account my dad said, depression is basic knowledge.

yeah, whatever (my response).

3. psych ward vs new otani hotel in tokyo

when my dad found out how much each intake to the hospital costs he said, that’s why i’m not worried when you’re in the hospital. staying at the hospital is cheaper than staying at new otani hotel (where we stayed when we were in tokyo) and because the hospital even feeds you.

4. silver lining

my dad said to me, i’m hoping that when you get over your struggles, that you can write a book on happiness and help others.

okay maybe this one doesn’t sound so bad out of context. maybe you had to be there. it would be okay that my dad made this comment if he made even one comment about how difficult it might be for me to live. and the fact is that this comment and the comment above are the only acknowledgement my dad has made about my hospital visits and my depression. he just doesn’t get it!!!

5. duh???

my sister made the comment (in response to something i did or something my mom said) that it’s more important for me to be alive (meaning not kill myself) than it is for me to not smoke. my mom responded by saying, i wish she would quit smoking at least.

ok, so between having a daughter who is living but smokes and having a dead daughter, she would choose the second option if it means i won’t be smoking anymore?