Getting used to my new job didn’t take long. To my delight, before my three month review, evaluation where my supervisor can recommend to terminate me or to keep me, I was offered more hours so that instead of part time, I am full time equivalent. Do we live in order to work? It would seem that working enables us to live! Far from making me less energized, work gives my life more meaning and gets me up and out of bed out of the house and into the world. Into the world where my mere presence and gifts and talents God has given me comfort and encourage others. Even where prayer is concerned, of course I pray far more for others and with others than I do on my own, my humble prayers, words of my heart bring peace and strength to those who need it. I wasn’t sure chaplaincy was my gig. Well, I still don’t know whether it is my only gig in life to be pursued. I do know that it is what gets me going from one day to the next knowing that somehow God is working through me to bring comfort to God’s people.
Someone commented on my last blog that dating and not dating at the same time (to different groups of people, etc.) was fine for a while but that it got annoying. For me, it wasn’t annoying as much as undermining self-respect! I couldn’t figure out what I really wanted. So I wrote things out. I heard the voice in me that was there all along. I want to be in a relationship with someone who accepts me, respects me and can and is proud to tell others that he is dating me! Bottom line is this: I want to date someone who could marry me, not that I have to get married or that I have to marry the guy I’m dating at the time, but I sure don’t want to be in a relationship where a long-term relationship is ruled out! It was bound to happen sooner or later that I come to my senses and declare myself single again which feels very self-affirming and I am very much at peace with it. One thing I know about relationships still holds true: it’s better being single than being in a “bad” relationship. I feel hopeful and happy. 🙂
i was going to try to keep a journal, meaning write things out by hand. i was wondering if writing blogs and publishing them or writing journals which would be kept private would make a difference on what i write. so i tried to hand write a journal entry. wow. never mind what i say or not say. writing with a pen on in a journal just takes too much physical effort! i had a real bad case of carpal tunnel many years ago. and recently i’ve been having tennis elbow type of problem with my right arm. so too much effort writing is just not going to work out.
so anyway…this weekend i had out of town guests, a whole family actually! my friend, her husband and her daughter stayed over. i met the baby for the first time. she’s only 5 months old! she was a happy baby. she kept smiling and i felt like she and i were connecting at some level. we hung out on our bed while the mom and dad were getting ready in the morning. i sang her some praise songs and she really liked it. most of the time she is fairly active vocally and physically. but while i was singing she just listened and seemed to be at peace! i love having guests over, especially good friends i haven’t seen in a long time. so happy my friends can stop by and stay over at my new place. it’s really a blessing to be able to host guests! i love it. i really do! most of the time friends say thanks for letting me stay over. and i really mean it when i tell them, oh no. thank you for staying over. i love having guests!
i’m realizing that being a Christian isn’t something you do by yourself. you can’t be a Christian just by relating to God or just relating to others. being a Christian involves relating to others based on the way you relate to God. God is really teaching me that. i’m living it.
it’s really strange. i don’t know if it’s a biological clock ticking or whatever. i usually feel like whether i am single for the rest of my life or find someone to share my life with is not something i want one way or another. but during the past week, i started thinking and feeling that if i could be in a good relationship, i would like that more than living my life alone for the rest of my life. it’s not good to dwell on that though. the key is wanting to be in a good relationship. i would rather be single than be in a bad relationship for the rest of my life! so i was really frustrated when i felt like i was missing my ex-boyfriend. he and i were not a good match. for sure, on my end, the relationship was not good. first few months were good. then once it started going downhill, there seemed to be no way to change the course of direction. so you can imagine why i was frustrated that i was feeling nostalgic over a relationship i know in my head and heart was not good for me.
i woke up at 3:30 am today. i don’t like getting up that early. but still as soon as i got up and was able to have a coherent thought, i felt at peace. i’m happy. 🙂 i’m at peace. it is well with my soul. yes, i know “it is well with my soul” is the title of a hymn. i listened to it a few times this morning. i love that hymn. going to listen to it some more right now.
“be still my soul: the Lord is on your side; bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; leave to your God to order and provide, in every change he faithful will remain. be still my soul: your best, your heav’nly friend, thru thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.”
i was having a hard time last week in the midst of DTR (defining the relationship) with my bf. so my bible study group leader sent me words of a hymn to find some peace in the words of the hymn. and wow what an encouragement and comfort the hymn has been to me. i don’t want it to be the case that through thorny ways i will be brought to a joyful end. but i think that is what is happening. and i am thankful, for the Lord is on my side. things may or may not turn out the way i want them to. but i know that God will order and provide for all my needs. it’s just hard for to take a blow in the heart.