wow mama – eye candy

i don’t really like the term “eye candy” or much enjoy being the object of eye-candying. i noticed back in high school that when i go to gas stations, wearing a dress i would get better service. i already had the long black hair thing going on so it was only a slight difference i could notice, but still, the look i would get from men were different when i was wearing a dress.

this morning i had the hardest time getting up and out of bed. i usually get up and then go back to bed. when i got up to eat cereal, i should have taken my meds before i went back to bed. but i didn’t. and it was so difficult to drag my body out of bed. so i took my meds late today. didn’t make it to group therapy because i was really anxious about going. had to take meds so i wouldn’t feel so anxious. an hour later, i wasn’t feeling any better so i had to take another dose.

so maybe even subconsciously, when i feel crappy i try to cheer myself up by dressing better or putting on make up or something. no make up today. too lazy for that. but i wore a pale blue dress that has a low neck line. and even though i am oh so many thousands of pounds heavier than i was before i got depressed, i still noticed that today as i walked into starbucks that i was getting different looks today than i did here yesterday when i wasn’t wearing something feminine. the guy who was taking the drink order clearly enjoyed checking out the deep neck line. and even some older men are/were eyeing me with more than pure intentions.

do i enjoy being the object of all this attention getting? is that why i’m wearing high heels today when i just left home to come study at starbucks? i cut my hair short every now and then when i get sick of all the “looks” i get. and then i miss the compliments i got when i had longer hair so then i grow it back again. well, today i’m not sure i wanted the less than “pure” looks. but i wanted to feel like i had some control of something and that for today means how i look because i sure as hell can’t change how i’m feeling today. and i do feel crappy, like i could drink a six pack right now and not even blink an eye because that’s how badly i want to drown life.

the irony of all this is that today i couldn’t even drive myself to starbucks today because of the meds i took this morning. so looking like i got something going on, my younger sister dropped me off at a starbucks. maybe i’ll hitch a ride with someone on my way home. hehe. j/k j/k. i am too scared to return the look i get from men on days like this let alone accept a free ride to only God knows where!

it’s nice to know that even though i’m approaching forty (i can’t believe it but it’s true) i can still feel like i did when i was sixteen years old. i love saying that i am approaching forty when i hang out with younger crowds. they get a kick out of it because most of them had thought that i was their age. one person even demanded that i whip out my driver’s license. when nothing else cheers me up, remembering, and recounting anecdotes like this helps.

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no you didn’t! top five comments my clueless mom and dad made about me in the past 10 days

1. who’s the parent?

my dad told my younger sister that she better marry me off or make me lose weight!

2. as if!

i said to my dad, how can you write a book on how to be wealthy (happy) when your own daughter has made so many trips to the hospital? my dad told me to read the book.

then i said to my mom, how can you help strangers as a psychologist when you can’t even understand your own daughter who has depression? my mom said, depression is not my specialty.

when i asked them both if they have read even one book on depression on my account my dad said, depression is basic knowledge.

yeah, whatever (my response).

3. psych ward vs new otani hotel in tokyo

when my dad found out how much each intake to the hospital costs he said, that’s why i’m not worried when you’re in the hospital. staying at the hospital is cheaper than staying at new otani hotel (where we stayed when we were in tokyo) and because the hospital even feeds you.

4. silver lining

my dad said to me, i’m hoping that when you get over your struggles, that you can write a book on happiness and help others.

okay maybe this one doesn’t sound so bad out of context. maybe you had to be there. it would be okay that my dad made this comment if he made even one comment about how difficult it might be for me to live. and the fact is that this comment and the comment above are the only acknowledgement my dad has made about my hospital visits and my depression. he just doesn’t get it!!!

5. duh???

my sister made the comment (in response to something i did or something my mom said) that it’s more important for me to be alive (meaning not kill myself) than it is for me to not smoke. my mom responded by saying, i wish she would quit smoking at least.

ok, so between having a daughter who is living but smokes and having a dead daughter, she would choose the second option if it means i won’t be smoking anymore?

in transit

i’m leaving korea tomorrow morning!  the trip has been meaningful.  it was a lot of quality family time. 

we spent three days in japan and we got to see our uncle, aunt, and nephew.  i hadn’t seen all of them in like two and a half years so it was great to see them again. 

i finally got to try redmango today.  the frozen yogurt was really smooth.  but the toppings weren’t as good as back in the states.  i have some pictures which i will load up when i get back home. 

man, i’m so ready to come back home.  my parents want me to spend about a year in korea.  so i said, no can do.  i don’t know why but i’m really scared to live in korea. 

my brother went with his classmates to clean up the oil spill damage.  so i won’t be able to see him before i leave tomorrow, i think.  i sure wish i could see him before i leave.

i feel good.  really good.   

professional blog?

as i just wrote in my “personal blog,” i’m trying to keep this blog site a “professional” one and http://bleuemoon.blogspot.comas a “personal” blog.  but where does personal blog end and professional blog start?  for me even depression is part of my “professional” self since it affects how i can or cannot do things.  and how i function in my “professional” life and my “personal” life are just way too inter-related.  since i’m a student, there isn’t really a distinct shape in which my professional life looks like.  so for a while, until this blog takes a shape of its own, my blogs will be professional and personal on this site, at least for a while i think.  the only distinction will be that on this site i will try to keep to one topic per blog.  on the other blog, you’ll find that i jump from one topic to another and drop topics as my mind quickly moves on.  🙂

new president in south korea!

people (including my mom and dad) are excited about the new president in south korea.  the market is up.  and even i feel like things are looking up.  i have no clue why i would even feel this since i don’t even know what the president looks like and i don’t even live here.  in any case i’m excited for korea. 

i really must stop on-line shopping.  i just can’t stop!  it is really addictive. 

since i got an extension for the final paper for a class i took last semester, i feel pretty optimistic and hopeful about my life.  it’s funny how that works, isn’t it?  one part of your life gets better and rest of your life looks better too. 

i haven’t done anything exciting so far since i got here.  i had really good sushi today.  that’s about it.  oh, and tangerines are excellent here.  my hands are going to look orange soon!