sometimes you wish for something. and one day you get what you wished for. i’m having one of those experiences. i am getting to know someone better as he is getting to know me better. and as much as i hoped to meet someone who would actually care about what i think and actually see me, i am surprised that this is happening! what do you do when you finally meet someone who is starting to know you well enough to know what makes you hurt and what makes you laugh? it’s hard finding someone who “gets” you. but now that someone actually “gets” me, things are more complicated rather than being easier. i honestly think long-term relationship is out of the question more for his sake than for mine… i just want to be here for a while. i mean here’s someone who actually likes that i have a mind of my own. he actually likes me. he likes the person that i am right now, not someone he wishes i’ll become or the person i used to be. that feels really amazing. but i’m afraid if i stay too long, my heart will make decisions that my head should be making!
i was going to try to keep a journal, meaning write things out by hand. i was wondering if writing blogs and publishing them or writing journals which would be kept private would make a difference on what i write. so i tried to hand write a journal entry. wow. never mind what i say or not say. writing with a pen on in a journal just takes too much physical effort! i had a real bad case of carpal tunnel many years ago. and recently i’ve been having tennis elbow type of problem with my right arm. so too much effort writing is just not going to work out.
so anyway…this weekend i had out of town guests, a whole family actually! my friend, her husband and her daughter stayed over. i met the baby for the first time. she’s only 5 months old! she was a happy baby. she kept smiling and i felt like she and i were connecting at some level. we hung out on our bed while the mom and dad were getting ready in the morning. i sang her some praise songs and she really liked it. most of the time she is fairly active vocally and physically. but while i was singing she just listened and seemed to be at peace! i love having guests over, especially good friends i haven’t seen in a long time. so happy my friends can stop by and stay over at my new place. it’s really a blessing to be able to host guests! i love it. i really do! most of the time friends say thanks for letting me stay over. and i really mean it when i tell them, oh no. thank you for staying over. i love having guests!
i’m realizing that being a Christian isn’t something you do by yourself. you can’t be a Christian just by relating to God or just relating to others. being a Christian involves relating to others based on the way you relate to God. God is really teaching me that. i’m living it.
it’s really strange. i don’t know if it’s a biological clock ticking or whatever. i usually feel like whether i am single for the rest of my life or find someone to share my life with is not something i want one way or another. but during the past week, i started thinking and feeling that if i could be in a good relationship, i would like that more than living my life alone for the rest of my life. it’s not good to dwell on that though. the key is wanting to be in a good relationship. i would rather be single than be in a bad relationship for the rest of my life! so i was really frustrated when i felt like i was missing my ex-boyfriend. he and i were not a good match. for sure, on my end, the relationship was not good. first few months were good. then once it started going downhill, there seemed to be no way to change the course of direction. so you can imagine why i was frustrated that i was feeling nostalgic over a relationship i know in my head and heart was not good for me.
i woke up at 3:30 am today. i don’t like getting up that early. but still as soon as i got up and was able to have a coherent thought, i felt at peace. i’m happy. 🙂 i’m at peace. it is well with my soul. yes, i know “it is well with my soul” is the title of a hymn. i listened to it a few times this morning. i love that hymn. going to listen to it some more right now.
i’ve happily relocated to ny. last week, i cleared out of my old apartment in boston where i lived for 10 years. yes! ten years in the same apartment, let a lone the same city. anyway so i have one home to call my own and it’s in ny.
i’m doing really well, much better than i would have expected given that the move is huge! leaving friends and community i had for past 10 years is oh, not so easy, you know? i’m still seeing my doctors and personal trainer in boston so i’m not completely moved to ny yet.
so here is my question, my bf and i have now officially (both of us knowing we consider each other as bf & gf) for over 6 months. to the best of my knowledge, only an old work friend (and maybe a friend here and there) knows that he’s dating. no one in his family knows that he’s dating or who he’s dating. i’ve never met any of his friends or any of his family members.
my bf has met one of my sister multiple times, talked to my dad on the phone once, and has even IM’ed with my niece a few times while i was visiting her. he’s met anyone and everyone in my circle of friends and family that he wanted to meet.
the tricky part is that i understand the reason he told me why he isn’t telling his family. but does that include his close friends too? there is something to be said for meeting the friends of your significant other right? you get to see them in the context of their own comfort zone. see how he treats and gets treated by those who know him and love him.
partly due to how he’s handing the (now 6 months old) news of his relationship status, i’m wondering if he is pretty sure we are more or less a short-term couple. i mean, i’m not entirely sure that he thinks this. but i’m starting to think that maybe we will be a short-term couple. that is to say, we may not last much more than a year. still, a year is light years and galaxies further along than all my other relationships in my adult life, save but one (my first relationship which miraculously lasted about 4 years).
i always have said and thought that i would take as much of this relationship as i could because it’s one i would choose over a relationship with a long term possibility that i don’t want. but let’s face it, if i could be in this relationship, with my current bf, with some kind of acknowledgment of a long term commitment, i would love it!
i hate the possibility that i’m the “it” girl for today and only because i’m good enough for today. once we talked about how one happy day after another after another is a happily ever after when you look back. but i realize now that you may not get a happy day after another after another. on days that are not so happy, you stay put and work things out because you care and are committed to the person and to the relationship. i never wanted that and have never been ready for that. think i’m ready for that now and want that in the near future.
this past weekend, i was visiting my bf and we went to no-rae-bang (aka nrb = karaoke) for 3 hours! it was just the two of us. that means each of us sang for about an hour and a half. mind you, neither of us are part of a choir or anything like that. i can’t remember the last time i was at nrb!
it was so sweet that my bf sang couple songs to me in korean. 🙂 i took a break from dating for about ten years before i met my current bf so it’s really strange not to be single. it’s so nice and absolutely lovely that someone (someone i like) likes me and wants to be with me (at the same time i want to be with them)! always always in the past it’s bad timing or some variation of unrequited love on either party. mostly i would lose interest in about a month. so i warned my bf too when we started dating that i expire in about a month in a relationship.
it’s really strange i must say. all the phobias i have about intimacy, commitment and whatever else just disappeared. not scared to get to know someone really well. not scared someone is getting to know me really well. not scared that he won’t like me the more he get to know me. and more and more interested everyday as i get to know him better. i mean, is this why people stay in one relationship for a long long time? never knew why people would do such a crazy thing. think i’m experiencing why anyone would. 🙂
so i’m wondering, i mean, i think the honey-moon stage lasted the first time we had to really figure out now to communicate better. i wanted to just get off the phone and sleep. he didn’t want me to just walk away from things we were talking about. usually i just walk out on the relationship all together, let alone carry out the conversation to the end. but somehow we talked it through, managed to end feeling better than when we started talking about stuff that was upsetting to both of us, and felt closer (at least on my end) than before too. but do things really stay this good? ok, granted it’s not always up and up and up and i’m not constantly experiencing feelings of happiness or ecstasy. but for the most part, i feel good being with my current bf than not. i think we’re both better with each other than we are alone or with other people we might be dating.
so anyway, plenty of things to blog about now even though my depression isn’t so crazy bad anymore. after about 7 yrs of hard-core depression and constant battle with suicidal ideation, being happy for an enduring period of time of any length is just so strange. i feel like i’m living someone else’s life! i know i’m not. i know it’s my life that has taken an absolutely amazing turn for the better. and that my bf really knows me well, especially at my worst, and still is interested in me and loves me. but man, talk about radical acceptance! there are times when i wonder if all of it is really real! 🙂