lesson learned

i’m not sure that all good things MUST come to an end. it’s just that all good things seems to come to an end. if the honeymoon period of the romantic relationship had lasted a long time, would that have been better? i think not. my most recent significant other and i don’t see eye to eye on just what kind of a break we are on. i don’t think it’s a Ross and Rachel kind of a break from the sitcom Friends. for Rachel, while Ross and she were on a break, they were still a couple, but a couple who was taking a breather. and for Ross, well, he thought a break meant a break in being a couple. was he to be blamed for going on dates, etc. etc. etc.? i guess Ross and Rachel had major communication issues! turns out my significant other and i have major communication issues too. even our goals for the relationship are different. it’s kind of difficult for me to see what we actually do have in common at this point. yes, i have “strong” feelings for him. but i will never utter the L word again. it’s clearly not requited to the same extent, i am led to believe. and anyway, you can’t live on love. you can’t make a relationship work on love. it’s just not enough. you need mutual respect, compassion for each other, and willingness to at least try to understand one another. whatever love is in a romantic relationship, it doesn’t necessarily come with mutual respect, compassion for the other person as a human being and willingness to try to be there for one another and support one another through thick and thin.

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just when you think you know

why is it so hard to figure things out in a relationship? for better or worse, i tell my bf every now and then about things that i’m not happy about. it usually happens in a form of a blog or an e-mail. and usually he has no comment. so i keep going on in variations on the same theme, about whatever i’m unhappy about. i don’t get upset over one particular action. i tend to get upset about pattern of behavior.

this past week, having sent my e-mail to my bf about stuff i’m unhappy about, i didn’t hear from him for an entire day! i started panicking i guess because i started bracing myself for being single again, you know what i mean? it’s nice to think that i’m independent and don’t need my bf for anything. i mean, who wants to need someone? that’s always been my way of thinking: avoid getting into a situation in life where i really need someone because they may not be there for me and break my heart. and i’ve tried so hard for so long that i’m perfectly happy being detached from entanglements of emotions to friends and family for the most part. it’s not the best way to live. i know that. but i don’t totally isolate myself. i just remain detached from emotions, as much as i can, as much as possible.

but then earlier this year, i met my bf. i don’t know if he would agree, but i was sure we would never end up dating. so i was unguarded and somehow opened up myself without all the protective gear i put on. strange thing is that i wasn’t scared. i wanted to be with him more than i was scared to be heart-broken. so this relationship is kind of a milestone kind of relationship, the only relationship where i wasn’t afraid to be in a relationship and the first time i was in the relationship because i wanted to be in the relationship.

i guess though, over time, as one would expect, i discovered little by little that my bf isn’t perfect. who knew? i guess i knew but it didn’t really register. so now, 9 months into dating the same person, willingly, i’m realizing that it’s time to work together or call it quits. that’s what it seems like to me. either i get better about communicating and let him know how i feel about some of the things he does that make me less than happy. or it’s time to walk away.

i’m an expert at walking away. i mean, i need to borrow someone else’s hand if i wanted to count using hands how many relationships i walked out from, unscathed and untangled, effortlessly. so this past week, i’ve been on my eject mode, like push a button, like on batman’s bat-mobile, and i pop out of the relationship, i mean the car, just like that.

i wasn’t going to call my bf after sending him a quarterly report about what i was unhappy about until i heard from him first. well, i had high hopes for about a day. then my bf called to see how i was doing. then later that night we had a conversation where i was trying to articulate what i wanted in a relationship and ended up sounding like i was in deep deep fog. i really don’t know. i mean, i do know somethings about what i want in a relationship and that my bf and i aren’t there right now. but it’s really hard to put my finger on it.

then as i was saying things even i couldn’t make sense of or why i was saying something, i started missing my bf. oh i don’t know. i just wanted to see him. and hearing his voice and the way he thinks and talks, well, these are all the things that made me fall in love in the first place.

so i’m thinking now that maybe before one throws out the baby with the bathwater, it’s worth the effort to try to make things work. it’s just like buying a lottery ticket. well, not exactly. maybe it’s like applying to harvard when you don’t think you’ll get in to the school. you may or may not get in to the school. but if you don’t submit your application, then there’s no chance at all that you will get accepted. and if you apply and get rejected, well, you haven’t lost anything really. but if you get in, well, then you call up the financial aid office and negotiate a sweet financial aid package. hehe. ok, if you get in to whatever school of your dreams, then you go to the school and live life. that’s all. simply live.

so i’m changing gears. instead of bracing myself for popping out of the car, i’m going to buckle up and keep my eyes open and stay in the car. after all, it’s the only relationship i wasn’t afraid to commit to. so maybe i’ll be surprised. here’s to taking chances in life!

nine months!!!

my bf and i have been going out for nine months! second longest relationship of my life, the first being my first relationship which lasted few years b/c my ex kept bringing us together after we broke up. it’s weird to have gone out with someone for nine months! it went by fast. time went by fast in general. in some ways, however, i feel like i don’t know my bf a lot better, i mean, not as much as one would think you would get to know someone in nine months. what i have learned though, is that he speaks love in action. he’ll hang out with me, help me do errands, listen patiently over IM and give me advice, all of which takes time. but gosh, i could count the number of times he told me how me feels about me (in person) with one hand! i would say past couple weeks have been pretty rough. i wondered a lot about where the relationship is headed and whether it would make more sense to just throw in the towel. it’s hard to decide not to be with someone because you’re uncertain about the future when you want to be with the person. my head says yellow or red light, but the heart says green light. in all fairness, my head says proceed with caution. and my heart says stay on course. guess there might be some middle ground? hmmm not sure about that.

one of the things my bf said when i asked whether he sees a future with me was that he is uncertain about the future because i’m not as stable emotionally as he would like his significant other to be. i understand. and i don’t understand. i am who i am, you know? i want to be with someone who loves me as i am now, how i got here, and where i’m headed. and on some days i’m going to be perfectly stable and happy. on some days i’m not. i don’t blame him for wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is stable most of the time. only, how long will it take for me to get there? i’m recovering and slipping back into the most aggressive depression i’ve ever had. it’s brutal. i’m down and i’m being kicked in my guts. i’m trying to get up and pushed down to fall again. 2009 has been a good year for my recovery. i am much much more stable than i have been since 2002. but still, i’ve had set backs. maybe it’s true what they say. it’s not how many times you fall that matters. but it is whether you get up after your fall that matters.