do i deserve better?

last night (0r was it this afternoon), my girlfriend and i were telling each other that we deserve better.  exact words were, we deserve to be adored!  the context of the conversation is me waiting for my bf to call me after blowing off our plans last night to be with family.  things are actually more complicated than that, but that’s how i felt at the moment.  i wrote him an e-mail after he left to say how sad i was we didn’t get to hang out.  he wrote back saying he was sorry.  i liked how the e-mail started.  then he went on for two three paragraphs explaining how he was doing the right thing by changing his mind and choosing not to spend time with me.  he was going home to break fast with his family.  he was fasting for good reasons.  can you blame him?  well, i can blame him.  sure i can.  he didn’t explain why he wanted to spend the evening with his family instead of spending the evening with me as we had planned.  and when he did, it was in defense of his action without acknowledging how his actions made me feel so sad.

i am starting to wonder two things:  why do i love this person so much when he upsets me so much and why don’t i just date my girlfriends instead when my girlfriends understand me so much better and actually call to check up on me while my boyfriend is MIA?

is love overrated?  i don’t always get treated the way i would like to by my boyfriend.  but all in all, i love this person who changes his mind and doesn’t think of me first.  i have a “girl-crush” (to borrow my friend’s words) on my girl friend with whom i was commiserating with last night and this afternoon while my boyfriend wouldn’t return my phone calls.  but against my better judgment, perhaps, i miss my boyfriend and want to spend time with him when we can, i.e. when he doesn’t change his mind about our plans.

he did call later in the afternoon today, about 24 hrs after he left me to go home to his parents leaving me stranded on 3rd avenue on upper east side.  i told him i wanted to talk to him when i was upset, even when he’s the person who upset me, and that it upsets me that he didn’t call to see how i was doing.  he didn’t call, he said because one of my e-mails really hurt his feelings and he felt i said things that were not warranted.  it seems it’s too much to ask for you to consider my feelings, i wrote.  i was expressing how hurt i felt that he didn’t seem to consider my feelings.  he heard me accuse him of not caring for my feelings at all.

do i deserve better?  if so, i deserve better from the person i love and want to be with.  who cares if a person would treat me with utmost respect if i don’t want to be with that person?  but why do i want to be with this person who doesn’t always treat me the way i know i deserve to be treated?  is it lack of self-respect?  do i not believe that anyone else would treat me better?  in the end, i love my boyfriend and want to be there for him and want him to be there for me.  love makes you do pretty crazy things, even stay with someone when they hurt you and make you cry in front of your girlfriends.  and yes, i do deserve better.  we all do.

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irony

even when things are going well, it’s possible to feel like nothing is going well.  and i know that it’s all a matter of perspective.  well, i’m having problems with the perspective thing.  i’m feeling sad, inadequate, and lots of guilt.  sure enough i have a medical condition, i need help of others at times to stay safe.  but i don’t want to be like this.  i hate that i need others to babysit me.  i hate that people worry about me and need to check up on me.  i hate that my doctor can’t trust me with a newly filled bottle of prescription medicine.  i hate that i need group therapy as well as individual therapy.  most of all i hate the fact that i still am not able to contract for safety 24/7.  because, on days like this when i feel extremely sad, probably over nothing warranting this kind of sadness, i just want to escape.  i’m over the i want to end my life phase.  but still there are days i just want to check out temporarily even if i no longer want a permanent escape.  so i’m contemplating a little escape for myself right here right now to extend the night into the day, for as long as i can to stay in deep sleep without interruption of being woken up in the morning.

So sad

I just watched the reader. And as with other movies I have watched recently, I felt really sad, cried and continued to feel sad after watching the movie. Maybe I just feel sad and realize it when I watch a movie that I am sad myself regardless of what is going on in the movie? Just feel like crying and crying. And want to just be put out of sadness. Just want the lights to go out.

sadness is creeping in like a spider under the moonlight

two days ago, as i was driving home with a friend, i told her that i felt like i could cry.  she said, go ahead, cry.  but i couldn’t.  i felt sad.  i felt like i could cry.  but i really couldn’t.  i came home and changed into what i called “moping clothes.”  i crawled into bed and lay there motionless.  a little while later, my sister came in and asked what i was doing, so i told her that i was moping and that i felt like i could cry.  so she said something, something like, why don’t you just cry then?  whatever she said it turned on my tears that came and came for the next hour or so.  i’m not kidding either.  the first half hour i was crying as if i were weeping for the dead.  i would cry, and then get the hiccups, you know what i mean?  my pillow was getting soaked and wiping the tears away with my hands wasn’t doing a good job of getting rid of the moisture.  after about 30 minutes of hysterical crying, i cried somewhat toned down, softly.  i was sobbing and sobbing.  the whole time, i was crying out to God, as i have read the psalmists cry out to God in times of their despair.  i cried out to God that the pain/suffering/affliction whatever i am experiencing in my life was too much for me to bear.  i didn’t want it anymore.  i asked God to take away the pain or to take away my life.  anything that would pop into my mind seemed so sad and all i could feel was sadness.  i felt broken.  like a mirror that shattered and is now missing shattered parts of itself and can’t be put together again as a whole.  on any other day, i might have been tempted to take matters into my own hands.  but two nights ago, i chose to just sleep and to let sleep be the relief i so badly needed and wanted.  

next day i felt better.  that’s not too shocking since i felt so badly the night before.  it’s hard to imagine how i might have felt worse.  i woke up with red puffy eye lids, like i stayed up late and rubbed my eyes too much or something.  i had therapy later that day.  i told my psychologist that i had cried the night before for about an hour.  he didn’t seem surprised.  he just asked, what were you sad about?  i told him that i didn’t feel sad about any specific thing.  i was just sad about everything and anything.  i was just sad about my life, sad to be experiencing life in the way that i do.  i can’t remember what else we talked about during the session.  i left with a sense that my psychologist was alerted to the fact that i was feeling pretty bad.  we went over a crisis plan that i have been working on at a program i go to once a week.  i have a list of people i want helping me and making decisions on my behalf if i am unable to do so.  i also have a list of people who i do not want involved in my treatment plan.  i have a list of medicine i take every day.  i have a list of medicine i am willing to take, should they become necessary.  and then there is a list of medicine and treatment they should not give me.  

it’s kind of an unsettling feeling to not know when i might have to check myself into a hospital.  it’s unsettling to know when i might burst into tears.  and when i do, i have no idea how long i am going to cry for or if i am ever going to stop crying.  i sense that there is sadness somewhere in me that has been hidden, buried and kept in check.  and for whatever reason, the sadness is refusing to sit back and let things run smoothly.  

when i check into a hospital, partial hospital or am interviewed by potential treaters, they always ask, do you have access to a gun?  are you feeling suicidal?  do you have a plan?  i answer, no i don ‘t have a gun.  i feel/felt suicidal.  and the plan, it’s tricky.  i’m not like the character on memento who has a 5 minute memory.  for him, if he had a plan, he would forget his plan in the next few minutes.  i have a memory that retains information a little bit better than that.  once i come up with a way to do something, how could i forget it?  it’s in my memory.  and when i get sad, really really sad, and sad for a long time, bits and parts of the plan become activated.  i know what i would do i if i were going to do something.  but no i don’t have a definite plan.  i don’t have a date or place.  it’s good that i don’t have a definite plan.  if i did, i would have to tell my treaters and they would be really concerned for me.  maybe they would be concerned enough to lock me up in a hospital.  but for how long would they keep me?  would i stay there until i said that i can’t remember the plan i once had?  or that i don’t have intentions of pursuing the plan that i had in my mind?  

i can only speak for the present moment.  right now, no, i don’t have a definite plan.  but sadness is creeping in, like a spider under the moonlight.

blessing in suffering

God is good and i am amazed at the way God works in our lives.  i was so sad about my old psychiatrist not wanting to be my (primary) therapist.  i was so consumed in the sadness all i could see was sadness and all i could feel was sadness.  i couldn’t take the sadness anymore and wanted it to just stop.  that was back in july.  since then the relationship between me and my psychiatrist started to deteriorate to the point i couldn’t stand it anymore.  then i felt angry, incredibly angry at things she would say and imply.  so i stopped talking to her.  and i told her i didn’t want her to be my doctor.  i stopped being her patient.

sometimes in the unexpected turn of events that confront us and even when it seems to us that nothing good could come of it, sometimes we find that the outcome that seemed so terrible is actually a blessing in disguise, that we got what we wanted and that infact we got more than what we wanted and asked for!

my new psychologist, one who i might not have met if my old psychiatrist was still my therapist, he is great!  he is thoughtful, sympathetic, understanding, and he thinks things through.  my old psychiatrist and i would kind of meander our way through the session and acted in response to whatever seemed to upset me that week.  my new therapist and i, in just our first session, we are paying attention to what’s going on and being flexible but at the same time looking ahead and keeping the big picture in mind as well.

i didn’t know back in july what i know now.  i didn’t know that instead of my old psychiatrist who was losing patience and confidence that i would really ever get better, i would get to work with someone who is fully committed to supporting me and figuring out with me how i can improve the quality of my life, not just stay alive at whatever cost.

i am starting to have hope.  i am starting to believe.  maybe the rest of my life, however short or long, won’t feel like i’m kept painfully alive to prevent sadness of others and maybe being alive won’t be so painful after all.  maybe.  maybe.  🙂