New Era

so after about nine months, the relationship is over.  i’m still processing everything, sorting things out in my head and in my heart.  i’m sure the decision to stop dating was the right decision for both of us.  how could such a right decision feel so wrong?  i’m happy to be single.  maybe i wasn’t even made to be part of a relationship but to be a self-sufficient single person for the rest of my life.  but after nine months of sharing my life with someone, it feels weird not to have someone to call to talk about things that happened to me that i want to share with someone who really cares about me.  a week after we broke up, i was told on the phone, yes, i do love you.  was i supposed to be happy to hear confirmation of how he felt about me, a week after we mutually broke up?  love is a funny thing.  at this point, to be honest, i don’t even know what it means when someone says i love you.  i used to say i love you a lot.  i stopped saying it when i got tired of hearing thank you after i said i love you.  thank you isn’t bad.  it’s better than silence.  …  i feel as though i have lived a life of unrequited love.  it’s not that no one has ever been in love with me.  it’s never at the same time, or at the right place in our lives, etc.  in times like these, i am so thankful that my identity is so strongly defined by what i do and how i relate to the world than by whether there is a person who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  i was really sad two weeks ago about breaking up with the person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with.  for half a week, i lost my appetite so much i lost few pounds.  but now my appetite is back, but not the way it used to be.  and now i don’t want to be sad.  i want to get used to my life as a single person.  maybe i should get used to it for good.  i could spend my energy instead on developing and deepening friendships, good friendships.  end of an era brings in beginning of a new era.  in this new era, i plan on being more caring of my self, more loving to my self, and gentler on my self.  if i don’t love myself, i’m not sure anyone else will, well no human being in any case.

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handwriting

i was going to try to keep a journal, meaning write things out by hand. i was wondering if writing blogs and publishing them or writing journals which would be kept private would make a difference on what i write. so i tried to hand write a journal entry. wow. never mind what i say or not say. writing with a pen on in a journal just takes too much physical effort! i had a real bad case of carpal tunnel many years ago. and recently i’ve been having tennis elbow type of problem with my right arm. so too much effort writing is just not going to work out.

so anyway…this weekend i had out of town guests, a whole family actually! my friend, her husband and her daughter stayed over. i met the baby for the first time. she’s only 5 months old! she was a happy baby. she kept smiling and i felt like she and i were connecting at some level. we hung out on our bed while the mom and dad were getting ready in the morning. i sang her some praise songs and she really liked it. most of the time she is fairly active vocally and physically. but while i was singing she just listened and seemed to be at peace! i love having guests over, especially good friends i haven’t seen in a long time. so happy my friends can stop by and stay over at my new place. it’s really a blessing to be able to host guests! i love it. i really do! most of the time friends say thanks for letting me stay over. and i really mean it when i tell them, oh no. thank you for staying over. i love having guests!

i’m realizing that being a Christian isn’t something you do by yourself. you can’t be a Christian just by relating to God or just relating to others. being a Christian involves relating to others based on the way you relate to God. God is really teaching me that. i’m living it.

it’s really strange. i don’t know if it’s a biological clock ticking or whatever. i usually feel like whether i am single for the rest of my life or find someone to share my life with is not something i want one way or another. but during the past week, i started thinking and feeling that if i could be in a good relationship, i would like that more than living my life alone for the rest of my life. it’s not good to dwell on that though. the key is wanting to be in a good relationship. i would rather be single than be in a bad relationship for the rest of my life! so i was really frustrated when i felt like i was missing my ex-boyfriend. he and i were not a good match. for sure, on my end, the relationship was not good. first few months were good. then once it started going downhill, there seemed to be no way to change the course of direction. so you can imagine why i was frustrated that i was feeling nostalgic over a relationship i know in my head and heart was not good for me.

i woke up at 3:30 am today. i don’t like getting up that early. but still as soon as i got up and was able to have a coherent thought, i felt at peace. i’m happy. 🙂 i’m at peace. it is well with my soul. yes, i know “it is well with my soul” is the title of a hymn. i listened to it a few times this morning. i love that hymn. going to listen to it some more right now.

delayed reaction

it’s rather silly actually. as of last december i have been single. and totally living it up. new job, new roommate, new everything practically. maybe i just had no time to reflect really? just when other people might get used to being single again, i’m just starting realize that my life has really changed. it’s so much better in so many ways. and just a few ways that i feel a loss. most people talk about how the mind plays tricks on them. i feel like it’s my heart that’s the culprit. i put nine months behind me practically with a blink of an eye. and two months later i’m having a delayed reaction of feeling a loss. all this delayed reaction started when my therapist started asking me if i’m really doing ok. therapists! oh well. i guess it had to happen sometime.

time to let feelings work themselves through. not going to dodge it or repress it. just going to live through this one.