just for the record!

today is not a good day to die.  i haven’t seen my neices and nephews yet.  i haven’t said bye to all the friends who went home for thanskgiving.  i’m supposed to give someone a ride back from the airport on friday night.  must live until then i think.  wouldn’t you agree?

i am however aware of this lovely opportunity to try beautifully…  all the ingredients are there.  i just have to mix them in my stomach without throwing them back up.  hmmm   for the longest time i would obssess about the grief and trauma that the person who first found me would feel/see/experience.  i don’t worry about that now because i have no idea who is going to visit me before my sister comes back.

so then why do i keep increasing the number of pills which are supposed to help me to sleep?  it’s too bad that i don’t feel like drinking alcohol.  guess i’ll have to face tomorrow, then.

today is a lovely day for cleaning out all the sleeping pills that are on top of my dresser.  yes.  yes.  can’t see them anymore.  they are no longer reminding me that i could take them.  i need not be tempted, because i have taken them.

i have been told that i have an amazing tolerance for drugs.  i think it’s true.  i seem to be able to take in huge dosages of medicine before they come into therapeutic range.

i think i’m going to sleep in tomorrow.  so no one call me before noon!  later in the day would be even more appreciated, of course.  happy thurkey-day friends!

laugh or cry?

sometimes i can’t decide whether i should cry or laugh.  or even to decide whether i want to laugh or cry.  sometimes life presents you with such absurd and unexpected events and circumstances, that you don’t know how to respond.

and it’s not so strange now if/when i cry and i’m not in my therapist’s office.  i guess people cry sometimes.  i guess i cry sometimes.  who wouldn’t?  life… well it is what it is.  wish i could stay asleep for longer periods of time.  i really do.

facebook replaces sleep

i couldn’t sleep all night.  it’s now 8:30 am, so i’m guessing i won’t be sleeping today.  so i was on the internet all night, well, practically all night.  i was mostly on facebook.  i used to wonder, gosh, what could people possibly do on facebook that could take so much time?  well, now i know.  you can search for people through schools, by class, through friends of friends and see anyone new signed up or find someone you missed the last time you checked.  and i did find a handful of people last night!  i didn’t select year i graduated from highschool.  and when i did choose my graduating year to check to see who else was on facebook, well, well, well, i was shocked to say the least!  yes i found friends i didn’t know were on facebook.  and then i found friends of friends who i didn’t know were on facebook as well.  but the most shocking thing is reading through names and profile pictures of people who supposedly went to school with you.  and oh, maybe about 70-80% of the people who selected the same graduating class as me, i couldn’t recognize their names and of course profile pictures didn’t help.  in all the years that passed, people lost weight, put on weight, aged, tanned, their hair styles are different, etc.

it’s easy to find people to add once you recognize their profile picture or name.  but then there are some people who you have to take time to consider, do i really want them as friends on facebook?  people might have various reasons for not wanting the whole world to be their friends on facebook.  only my profile picture can be viewed by friends of friends and people in my network.  everything else, you have to be my friend.  on some people’s profile, you can view their friends.  i don’t know why, but i chose not to make my friend list available to those who may not really know me.  for friends on my facebook site, all kinds of info is made accessible that was not accessible before someone becomes my friend on facebook.  people can find all my blog sites on this site so maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal.  but on facebook, people i know, when they become friends on facebook have access to all the blogsites as well.  and you know, it’s easier to bear your soul to strangers than it is to people you grew up with, or those you go/went to school with, or people you work/ed with, etc.  i even found one person who i used to have a crush on in high school.  would i want him to be my friend on facebook so that he could read up on all that i’ve been going through in the past few years?  i decided for now that i didn’t want to add him as a friend.  who knows, maybe later i’ll feel better and wouldn’t mind adding anyone that i know.

so for better or worse, instead of sleeping, i have been on facebook, twitter, and other blogsites that i hadn’t logged onto in months!  it’s nice to have so many blogsites when you can’t sleep.  but for all other purposes, i wish i didn’t have a gazillion blogsites where i have posted blogs, poems and pictures.  i have that much more work to do if/when i want to archive the words i wrote in the past few years.  and those words, especially on my xanga sites, those words were written in blood, with tears and in excruciating pain when i had other way to channel the despair.

anyway, so much for sleep.  i think i’ll go get some coffee!

gone mad

i’ve gone mad i tell you.  i slept two days pretty much straight through.  how does one do that?  i haven’t written anything since friday morning, which by a writer’s standard feels like an eternity and a day away.  and actually i didn’t even leave the apartment yesterday.  wow.  i feel like i’m waking up from a coma, like life has gone past before me and i’m trying to catch up to it.

many years back, i heard a pastor preach and the only thing i remember is that he kept saying, “save yourself!”  he was using that as a rhetorical device to point out that jesus could have saved himself but he didn’t.  at least i think that’s what the pastor was trying to do.  in my case, i think i do need to save my self!  but now i’m wondering if the pastor’s point was that we can’t save ourselves no matter what we do.

how important are sermons in one’s christian life?  at my church, lately, i’m thoroughly uninspired by the sermons.  i don’t feel like sitting through the sermons anymore.  but i know when the preaching is good that it really gets me going throughout the week.  i don’t think i should have to miss out on hearing good sermons on sundays just so i could go to the same church with my friends.

target behavior

one of my “target behavior” (an action i’m trying to change) is over sleeping.  and today i target engaged.  i stayed in all day long, well except to go exercise with my sister.  i usually sleep or stay in bed when i don’t feel good.  and today i wasn’t feeling good so i chose to stay in bed all day long.   i’m going back to bed until the ice hockey game!  🙂  i hope i’ll feel okay tomorrow.  one bad day i can deal with.  two bad days, i’m not sure i can handle!!!