starbucks and recovery

yesterday after i voted, i got a free tall coffee drink from a neighborhood starbucks.  it felt so cool that starbucks was rewarding people for voting.  i don’t think anyone voted so that they could get a free cup of coffee (or free iced cream at ben and jerry’s i heard).  but it sure feels nice that others care that you care enough to participate in electing the next president of our country.

i was supposed to fly out to california this morning.  but all evening and all night i just kept cleaning even though my back was hurting and i was getting really hot from all the moving around.  at 2 am this mornign i finally accepted the feeling that i really wasn’t up for traveling right now.  i’ve been in partial hospital for the past 4 days, just found a therapist who i think i can work well with, and am still in the process of finding a psychiatrist to do my medicine.  i do notice everyday that something that i hadn’t noticed before is good or better.  the other day, getting out of my car and walking towards the door of my apartment building, i noticed this incredibly light feeling.  i really do thank my old psychiatrist for all the valiant effort she made to help me.  but wow, i have been feeling better and better since i told her i don’t want her to be my doctor anymore!

and so this morning, i woke up at 8:30 am without an alarm clock even though i went to sleep around 4 am.  four hours or so is definitely not enough sleep.  but still, i felt motivated to leave the house to try to get some studying done so that maybe i can finish my thesis.  and the study spot of my choice right now is starbucks that has a parking lot, ample seating and power outlets scattered around the room.  i just filled out a survey giving feed back of my visit to starbucks.  i get a free tall drink.  yeah, whatever.  i spend so much money here that one free cup of coffee doesn’t really change my finances that much.  but i do like the fact that starbucks want  to know what i think and that they are willing to hear what i think would make this starbucks a better place for me to come to.

random note:  yesterday i didn’t eat lunch or dinner.  then when i realized it, i ate at 3 am even though i wasn’t even hungry.  and i’m not hungry now even though it’s past lunch time.  i’ll probably just wait till dinner, that is, if i eat dinner tonight.  so i don’t have an appetite and am not sleeping well and not enough according to what i normally require.  maybe i’m depressed?  nah.  🙂

wow mama – eye candy

i don’t really like the term “eye candy” or much enjoy being the object of eye-candying. i noticed back in high school that when i go to gas stations, wearing a dress i would get better service. i already had the long black hair thing going on so it was only a slight difference i could notice, but still, the look i would get from men were different when i was wearing a dress.

this morning i had the hardest time getting up and out of bed. i usually get up and then go back to bed. when i got up to eat cereal, i should have taken my meds before i went back to bed. but i didn’t. and it was so difficult to drag my body out of bed. so i took my meds late today. didn’t make it to group therapy because i was really anxious about going. had to take meds so i wouldn’t feel so anxious. an hour later, i wasn’t feeling any better so i had to take another dose.

so maybe even subconsciously, when i feel crappy i try to cheer myself up by dressing better or putting on make up or something. no make up today. too lazy for that. but i wore a pale blue dress that has a low neck line. and even though i am oh so many thousands of pounds heavier than i was before i got depressed, i still noticed that today as i walked into starbucks that i was getting different looks today than i did here yesterday when i wasn’t wearing something feminine. the guy who was taking the drink order clearly enjoyed checking out the deep neck line. and even some older men are/were eyeing me with more than pure intentions.

do i enjoy being the object of all this attention getting? is that why i’m wearing high heels today when i just left home to come study at starbucks? i cut my hair short every now and then when i get sick of all the “looks” i get. and then i miss the compliments i got when i had longer hair so then i grow it back again. well, today i’m not sure i wanted the less than “pure” looks. but i wanted to feel like i had some control of something and that for today means how i look because i sure as hell can’t change how i’m feeling today. and i do feel crappy, like i could drink a six pack right now and not even blink an eye because that’s how badly i want to drown life.

the irony of all this is that today i couldn’t even drive myself to starbucks today because of the meds i took this morning. so looking like i got something going on, my younger sister dropped me off at a starbucks. maybe i’ll hitch a ride with someone on my way home. hehe. j/k j/k. i am too scared to return the look i get from men on days like this let alone accept a free ride to only God knows where!

it’s nice to know that even though i’m approaching forty (i can’t believe it but it’s true) i can still feel like i did when i was sixteen years old. i love saying that i am approaching forty when i hang out with younger crowds. they get a kick out of it because most of them had thought that i was their age. one person even demanded that i whip out my driver’s license. when nothing else cheers me up, remembering, and recounting anecdotes like this helps.