it’s so uncool

it’s so uncool to cry in public places, especially a public place like starbucks where everyone is running from one place to another, sitting and chatting with friends or studying something because their entire life depends on that paper or exam or whatever.  i can’t help it though.  tears find their way out the corners of my eyes, rolling down my face.  how many days do i really have left to live?  no, i am not terminally ill, as in having cancer or HIV positive.  but i am deathly plagued by an illness, kind of like the illness where your white cells attack your own cells because they think their own cells are foreign antigens or something?  actually, it’s not exactly like that.  i know i am me.  i just don’t want to be.  i am not in favor of my physical well being if it is without psychological/mental/spiritual well being as well.

as i do sometimes when i’m not busy trying to end my life, i am sitting up in a coffee shop (instead of lying in my bed), and trying to read and write something that i find interesting and meaningful.  these are just one of the few moments, one of the few things, that i find worth while and would choose to do in my waking hours.  i don’t know what it is about working out, understanding, and creating complex ideas and theories that most people walking down the streets don’t think about for more than two seconds if they think about such things at all!

i find that i am blessed to be able to pick topics to read and write about that are of personal interest to me philosophically, theologically, or spiritually.  my current project is one in which i try to work out two different theories on value: one person argues that values are for the most part socially dependent and the other pereson argues that there are intrinsic values in things, like being human beings.  anyway i’ll see if/what/how i can contribute to the discussion. today so far is a great day!  with or without tears, even if i happen to be crying and feeling sad in a public place surrounded by christmas decorations, happy music and chatters of excitement, today is a day i am glad to have lived and looking forward to living.

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starbucks and recovery

yesterday after i voted, i got a free tall coffee drink from a neighborhood starbucks.  it felt so cool that starbucks was rewarding people for voting.  i don’t think anyone voted so that they could get a free cup of coffee (or free iced cream at ben and jerry’s i heard).  but it sure feels nice that others care that you care enough to participate in electing the next president of our country.

i was supposed to fly out to california this morning.  but all evening and all night i just kept cleaning even though my back was hurting and i was getting really hot from all the moving around.  at 2 am this mornign i finally accepted the feeling that i really wasn’t up for traveling right now.  i’ve been in partial hospital for the past 4 days, just found a therapist who i think i can work well with, and am still in the process of finding a psychiatrist to do my medicine.  i do notice everyday that something that i hadn’t noticed before is good or better.  the other day, getting out of my car and walking towards the door of my apartment building, i noticed this incredibly light feeling.  i really do thank my old psychiatrist for all the valiant effort she made to help me.  but wow, i have been feeling better and better since i told her i don’t want her to be my doctor anymore!

and so this morning, i woke up at 8:30 am without an alarm clock even though i went to sleep around 4 am.  four hours or so is definitely not enough sleep.  but still, i felt motivated to leave the house to try to get some studying done so that maybe i can finish my thesis.  and the study spot of my choice right now is starbucks that has a parking lot, ample seating and power outlets scattered around the room.  i just filled out a survey giving feed back of my visit to starbucks.  i get a free tall drink.  yeah, whatever.  i spend so much money here that one free cup of coffee doesn’t really change my finances that much.  but i do like the fact that starbucks want  to know what i think and that they are willing to hear what i think would make this starbucks a better place for me to come to.

random note:  yesterday i didn’t eat lunch or dinner.  then when i realized it, i ate at 3 am even though i wasn’t even hungry.  and i’m not hungry now even though it’s past lunch time.  i’ll probably just wait till dinner, that is, if i eat dinner tonight.  so i don’t have an appetite and am not sleeping well and not enough according to what i normally require.  maybe i’m depressed?  nah.  🙂

wow mama – eye candy

i don’t really like the term “eye candy” or much enjoy being the object of eye-candying. i noticed back in high school that when i go to gas stations, wearing a dress i would get better service. i already had the long black hair thing going on so it was only a slight difference i could notice, but still, the look i would get from men were different when i was wearing a dress.

this morning i had the hardest time getting up and out of bed. i usually get up and then go back to bed. when i got up to eat cereal, i should have taken my meds before i went back to bed. but i didn’t. and it was so difficult to drag my body out of bed. so i took my meds late today. didn’t make it to group therapy because i was really anxious about going. had to take meds so i wouldn’t feel so anxious. an hour later, i wasn’t feeling any better so i had to take another dose.

so maybe even subconsciously, when i feel crappy i try to cheer myself up by dressing better or putting on make up or something. no make up today. too lazy for that. but i wore a pale blue dress that has a low neck line. and even though i am oh so many thousands of pounds heavier than i was before i got depressed, i still noticed that today as i walked into starbucks that i was getting different looks today than i did here yesterday when i wasn’t wearing something feminine. the guy who was taking the drink order clearly enjoyed checking out the deep neck line. and even some older men are/were eyeing me with more than pure intentions.

do i enjoy being the object of all this attention getting? is that why i’m wearing high heels today when i just left home to come study at starbucks? i cut my hair short every now and then when i get sick of all the “looks” i get. and then i miss the compliments i got when i had longer hair so then i grow it back again. well, today i’m not sure i wanted the less than “pure” looks. but i wanted to feel like i had some control of something and that for today means how i look because i sure as hell can’t change how i’m feeling today. and i do feel crappy, like i could drink a six pack right now and not even blink an eye because that’s how badly i want to drown life.

the irony of all this is that today i couldn’t even drive myself to starbucks today because of the meds i took this morning. so looking like i got something going on, my younger sister dropped me off at a starbucks. maybe i’ll hitch a ride with someone on my way home. hehe. j/k j/k. i am too scared to return the look i get from men on days like this let alone accept a free ride to only God knows where!

it’s nice to know that even though i’m approaching forty (i can’t believe it but it’s true) i can still feel like i did when i was sixteen years old. i love saying that i am approaching forty when i hang out with younger crowds. they get a kick out of it because most of them had thought that i was their age. one person even demanded that i whip out my driver’s license. when nothing else cheers me up, remembering, and recounting anecdotes like this helps.