when you least expect it

life is not fair by any means.  i don’t know how.  but i have been feeling pretty emotionally stable for about a week.  i started wondering, did the dark clouds above my head move on?  started wondering what i would do, what i could do if i continued to feel better.  but then today, just in the same way i started feeling good all of a sudden, i started feeling bad.  bad enough to want to eat lots of food to try to feel better.  and of course, eating sweet stuff does not make up for emotional deficit.  i know that.  but when nothing else seems to be working, i feel like i at least deserve to feel a little different, a little bit better, a little bit pampered by eating ice cream sundae, cinammon stix, chocolate, etc.

two of my medicine might contribute to weight gain.  two of my medicine might contribute to weight loss.  so all in all, it’s inactivity and eating for comfort that must be the reason for my recent weight gain.  i gained 10 pounds in the past couple months.  not so much and nothing to be alarmed about for most people.  but for my frame and my weight before gaining the 10 pounds, those 10 pounds, not good.  also when i start gaining weight, it’s really difficult to make the weight gain stop.  when i’m not gaining, i feel like i’m losing weight in someways.  right?  because i’m not gaining the weight i would be gaining which means somehow i am burning more calories than i did before or eating less.  think i cared less about my weight so long as i had clothes that fit me.  different story when you’re dating, right?  i mean, if you know that skinnier version of you is way cuter than what you look like now, and have been told by family members, friends, and boyfriend as well, how could you not feel not like you are not as attractive as you used to be?

anyway, i don’t know if it’s sunday blues like i felt bad on thursdays a few months ago.  last sunday i felt really crappy.  for the first time in months, i felt like not wanting to live.  and today, i’m not as far off the never never land, but i feel pretty crappy.  i have an exam that i have to pass in two days to get my graduate degree.  course work has been done for a year but i have to pass an exam to fulfill graduation requirements.  right now, i feel crappy enough that i really don’t care.  it’s just a degree, right?  have masters degrees already.  i mean, how many more alphabets do i need that follow my name?

feeling crappy is well, crappy.  ok i rarely resort to rated-R language.  but i feel shitty.  maybe i didn’t get enough sleep maybe i should have eaten dinner maybe i shouldn’t have had too much sugar.  anyway, for whatever reason, i feel like imploding.  which reminds me, i have other ways of washing away bad feelings!  hmmm  honestly forgot about other ways of coping!  ha!  ok gotta go.  absolut-ely gotta go!  🙂

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need to, want to dissociate!

oh my, i feel trapped in my body.  every which way i turn or try to adjust my body, it still feels strange.  last wednesday my new psychopharm prescribed for  me a new medicine that would help with anxiety and crazy stress induced rash/itch all over my body.  i already took some and guess i either need more of it or the medicine isn’t able to help me feel better.  at times like this, i almost wish someone would just punch me really hard and knock me out so i wouldn’t be conscious, at least until this madness ends.  i think a person could be driven to go over the edge and just lose it if it isn’t possible to end feelings/pain that makes being awake/conscious so unbearable.

as a coping mechanism, some peo dissociate when the stress they are under is too much for them to endure.  somehow, when you dissociate, you manage to detach yourself (conscious mind) from your physical body so that whatever kind of trauma the body is experiencing is blocked out or cut off from the conscious mind.  in its extreme case, people say that they can see their body from outside of their body, like from the point of view of someone sitting in the corner of the room near the ceiling.  i don’t dissociate to the point where i can see myself as my body is floating in the air.  sometimes i do dissociate where i am here but not here.  like i look like i’m fine and staying still.  but data from the outside world stops registering in my consciousness.  i suppose i might be registering the data without being aware of them as something i am experiencing.  people don’t dossociate at will.  it’s more like the conscious mind is put to rest (kind of like put to sleep)  so that even though one can’t escape the situation, the concious mind is protected while the body is going through what ever situation that might be too difficult for the person to go through.

and right now i feel like i’m in a state where i need to dissociate but is unable to do so.

panic attack

this morning i was searching for people to follow on twitter.  i really just wanted to find some news on twitter.  on the right hand column i noticed in one of the hot searches “Michael Crichton” and “Michael Crichton RIP.”   i’m not sure how or when i found out but i knew that he died.  i might have read something before going to bed last night.  but i wasn’t sure when he died and since i wanted to find some news sites anyway, i decided to browse through search results on Michael Crichton and Michael Crichton RIP.  most entries had a line or two just stating that Michael Crichton died.  some mentioned that they were sad.  others stated their favorite book that Michael Crichton wrote.  i went through 10-15 pages of search results, reading each result entry – i would first notice the picture of name of the person who posted the entry and quickly looked at the content.  i didn’t really have to read since mostly the content of all of the posts were stating that Michael Crichton died.  what i didn’t expect was the impact of reading/looking at entries that stated the death of Michael Crichton over and over againl  i was determined to get to the earliest post that was uploaded and i thought that way i could also see which news sites reported on twitter the death of Michael Crichton.  i was doing this at 7:30 am this morning.  latest entries said 5 minutes ago, an hour ago…8 hours ago, 14 hours ago, and at about 19 hours ago entries stopped.  i felt nauseaus and short of breathe as i kept making myself reading the entries to get to the end (or the beginning of the thread).

when i finished i closed my laptop, got out of my chair, got a glass of ginger ale, grabbed my PRN, and went to go smoke.   i usually take one pill, wait about an hour and take another one if the first one wasn’t enough.  if the second pill doesn’t do the trick, then i take the third pill which is the limit prescribed by my doctor.  i knew the anxiety was engulfing me and that no way one .5mg of ativan was going to bring any kind of relief.  so anyway i took what i judged to be a safe and effective dose.  my head was both spinning and felt blocked.  i thought people die.  people die all the time.  to put death in the perspective, an old friend’s wife just had surgery to remove tumor in her brain.  i have been following updates of her progress on facebook and posting prayers and waiting for status update that she is waking up.  and another relevant factor in how i react to death is that death is a very personal and powerful concept and reality for me.  you might say that i’m a quitter at heart.  i can cope with a lot, i mean a lot of stress.  then all of a sudden i become aware of the feelings, thoughts, stress that had been bottled up and waiting to pop open like a champagne bottle does at celebrations.  the champagne pouring out of the bottle is controllable for the most part.  but my emotions, when they burst open are hard to control, mostly i can’t control them.  in those situations when emotions come on so strongly with such force that i would be wiped out, i try to contain the damage.  i try to make the crazy wild strong wave of emotions go away.  my usual method works pretty well.  but i also usually end up in the Emergency Room soon after.  then i stay in the hospital for a while until powers in charge think i am no longer a threat to my self or to others.  

i calmed down of course.  panic/anxiety attacks don’t last forever.  if they did, you’d just die.  it still sucks to be experiencing a panic/anxiety attack when you are the one who is having one because usual sense of time doesn’t apply to you.  the unbearable feeling seems to drag on.  you wonder if you can stay alive long enough to see that the panic/anxiety attack stopped.  i’m still a little fuzzy and disoriented from the panic/anxiety attack i was trapped in this morning.  i know that all i need is one breathe ahead of the panic/anxiety attack, suicidal impulse, or oppressive affliction of depression.  do you know how hard it is to try to stay one step of the person running behind you when they are constantly going and going, not taking breaks, not stopping for water and not slowing down?   to stay ahead, you also can’t slow down, stop for water, take breaks until the finish line is behind you.  i long for that finish line.  i dream about it.  i wonder about what it would feel like to run through the finish line…  until i get to the finish line, i have to keep myself one step ahead, just one step, just one breathe, ahead of the unpredictable ups and downs of my crazy unstable mental chemical imbalance caused by purely physical factors, genetic factors as well as circumstantial factors.

giving then taking it away

as i posed a few blogs ago, my psychiatrist put me on ativan.  but then now she’s going to take some of it back.  i had a passing thought that i could take more than i was supposed to.  why?  well, just because i could.  but my psychiatrist is going away for a few weeks.  so if i run out, i’ll just have to live through anxiety and madness!  it doesn’t seem fair that i was honest about possibilities i was entertaining.  i chose not to act on the ideations.  and i don’t want to.  but still she’s going to take the pills away.  where is the trust???  oh well.  i feel helpless, like i can’t do anything about the situation.  i don’t want to be suffering when i know i could have taken a pill that would relieve the tension and anxiety that i feel, if only my psychiatrist hadn’t taken them away from me.  if that happens i am going to be so upset.  oh well oh well

grace

it turns out that my professor/advisor was expecting the thesis at the end of the month.  so i didn’t miss a deadline last monday when i thought i was supposed to turn in a chapter!  so all the stress i experienced, well, i want to say that was good for me.  but it was way too much stress.  it shut me down this weekend, that’s for sure.  i can work well with moderately stressful deadlines.  but i can’t work with extremely stressful deadlines.  i don’t know where the boundaries are – someone else can figure that out i’m sure.

so that’s one big good news.

then i checked my grades just in case i got them.  and what do you know?  a grad i feel totally undeserving of, staring right at me.  wow.  i didn’t fail the class.  yes i always fear i’m going to fail the class.  and yes, i did well.  quite well actually.  and all the time i was worried that the prof thought i was incompetent or something.  man i gotta really work on my academic self image:  the academic iamge of myself now is that i’m incompetent and cant’ get things done on time and that i can’t think original thoughts, and …  i’ll spare you and stop right there.  🙂

i am so relieved to find out that my professor wasn’t about to let me get kicked out of the program.

i’m trying to wrap my head around the concept of grace.  and i can’t.  but grace covers me.  yeah.