is this unfair?

I feel angry at my friend E who took her own life ten days ago. it seems unfair to be angry at E as she can’t defend herself. and she was in a great deal of pain and suffering to do what she did. I’m going through different states or emotions, sadness, denial, shock, guilt, and yes also anger. I am angry that we can’t do more things together. for instance, we can’t grow old together. she loved to read. just as I was about to pick up the book I had been reading this afternoon, on a “lazy” Saturday afternoon, it hit me that E can’t read anymore. I’m sure E is at peace. but what of the living, those who loved her? it seems scandalous to mention to those who also loved her that I am angry, at E, but I am. I feel angry that E didn’t reach out to more people during her last few weeks. then I wonder if maybe she couldn’t or didn’t want to reach out to others especially during her last few weeks. she was probably just so tired just to get out of bed. just to get dressed. it probably took a lot of effort for her even just to remain conscious. maybe I’m not as angry as I thought I was. I’m saddened deeply that I or anyone else couldn’t help her to find peace in this life. I’m sorry, E. I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t know just how much you were suffering under your own skin. I’m sorry I didn’t press you to talk to me when you said you didn’t feel like talking because you weren’t feeling well. I’m sorry I was so busy trying to figure out my own life. there was no urgency in anything else if I could have been there for you as you needed. maybe nothing I could have done would have made a difference, but I still wish things were not the way it is now. because the world without you in it is not as warm a world as it could be, not as exciting or as kind. rest well my friend. be at peace. find rest and comfort for your soul that you couldn’t find in this life. rest in God’s arms. I love you so.

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the other shoe

i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. i’ve been going out with my bf for about 8 months now. and things are fine, more or less. i’m doing a lot better over all. successfully moved and starting to settle into new place in nyc. don’t really miss boston too much. but then was i waiting for something bad to happen? for a while everything was perfect, well almost perfect. then i started crying on consecutive days and not due to my reproductive cycle, thank you very much. and couldn’t stop crying even when my bf was with me.

so all that to say, is happiness really only a phantom of the imagination? maybe it’s something disney and hallmark and the marketing people at various places conjured up so they could sell movies, cards, chocolates, flowers, etc.

i was always unhappy. i was depressed. totally utterly in despair. that i can deal with. well, except when things got really worse then i couldn’t cope anymore. so then when i started feeling better after 5-6 years of really bad depression, i was skeptical at first. many changes took place that could explain why i was feeling better. i stopped working with the therapist i had for about 5 + years without miraculous improvement or anything. doctors on my treatment team tweaked with my medication. i started dating my current bf. i hadn’t dated anyone in over ten years before i started dating him. i mean, i dated. but i didn’t have a boyfriend for i don’t even know how long actually.

spring of 2002 to end of 2008 (my second depression episode) utterly sucked. only thing that was going to make it worse was to be treated with ECT (eletro convulsive therapy). my old psychiatrist recommended that and was banking that ECT was my only hope of coming out of deep deep depression. well, i wasn’t going to have my brain fried. so i fired her. moved on to a new therapist, new psycho-pharmacologist, and continued on with DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). well, for about a good 8 months i had consecutive days of non-suicidal ideation or urges which had never happened before since the depression of 2002 started.

lately, however, after months and months of not wanting to die anymore, i can smell it in the air. the muse which beckons me to death, to take matters into my own hands, it is slowly but surely making her move on me. past couple weeks, i cried, overdosed mildly couple of times, drank, and thought about whether there is really a point to my life after all. yes. the question that i could not get out of my head for about 6 years, not even for a single day, it came back to me. and i started wondering, what’s the point? why work so hard at recovery? why try so hard to feel better? it’s not going to last anyway. life sucks, right? and being depressed and feeling pain and suffering in life sucks even more!

so today i told my psycho-pharmacologist that i’ve been thinking about what’s the point of my life. i told her i had been dancing with suicidal thoughts. maybe for now it’s enough just to admit that i’m unhappy. being happy for the 8 months or so, well, maybe absence of utter despair is like happiness. but now as i’m feeling better, it isn’t good enough just not to feel pain. i want to have a meaningful life. yes, i want to have a life worth living. a life worth staying alive for. not sure i’m there yet. or that i’ll ever get there.

is it time to give up again? i’m not sure. all i know for sure is that while in the past i was happy just to see my bf, now i cry even when he is there. i cry because i want more. i don’t just want to hang out, i want some kind of certainty that things mean something. i’m not happy just to read some articles here and there, or to just send applications out even on slim chance that someone might look at my resume. i want a job. i want to go back to school.

but wanting things, that’s what leads to disappointment and pain. so i decided i think, subconsciously, not to want any of it anymore. so again i am where i was before this bit of relief found me after years of stormy darkness. i don’t want to be here anymore if being here means i’ll be unhappy and if it means i live to testify to the happiness i don’t have.

nrb (karaoke) for 3 hrs – un/requited love

this past weekend, i was visiting my bf and we went to no-rae-bang (aka nrb = karaoke) for 3 hours!  it was just the two of us.  that means each of us sang for about an hour and a half.  mind you, neither of us are part of a choir or anything like that.  i can’t remember the last time i was at nrb!

it was so sweet that my bf sang couple songs to me in korean.  🙂  i took a break from dating for about ten years before i met my current bf so it’s really strange not to be single.  it’s so nice and absolutely lovely that someone (someone i like) likes me and wants to be with me (at the same time i want to be with them)!  always always in the past it’s bad timing or some variation of unrequited love on either party.  mostly i would lose interest in about a month.  so i warned my bf too when we started dating that i expire in about a month in a relationship.

it’s really strange i must say.  all the phobias i have about intimacy, commitment and whatever else just disappeared.  not scared to get to know someone really well.  not scared someone is getting to know me really well.  not scared that he won’t like me the more he get to know me.  and more and more interested everyday as i get to know him better.  i mean, is this why people stay in one relationship for a long long time?  never knew why people would do such a crazy thing.  think i’m experiencing why anyone would.  🙂

so i’m wondering, i mean, i think the honey-moon stage lasted the first time we had to really figure out now to communicate better.  i wanted to just get off the phone and sleep.  he didn’t want me to just walk away from things we were talking about.  usually i just walk out on the relationship all together, let alone carry out the conversation to the end.  but somehow we talked it through, managed to end feeling better than when we started talking about stuff that was upsetting to both of us, and felt closer (at least on my end) than before too.  but do things really stay this good?  ok, granted it’s not always up and up and up and i’m not constantly experiencing feelings of happiness or ecstasy.  but for the most part, i feel good being with my current bf than not.  i think we’re both better with each other than we are alone or with other people we might be dating.

so anyway, plenty of things to blog about now even though my depression isn’t so crazy bad anymore.  after about 7 yrs of hard-core depression and constant battle with suicidal ideation, being happy for an enduring period of time of any length is just so strange.  i feel like i’m living someone else’s life!  i know i’m not.  i know it’s my life that has taken an absolutely amazing turn for the better.  and that my bf really knows me well, especially at my worst, and still is interested in me and loves me.  but man, talk about radical acceptance!  there are times when i wonder if all of it is really real!  🙂

anniversary

today is a hard day.  one of those days when you wish you could just get to tomorrow as soon as possible.  the past does not dictate the future.  but it sure can contaminate it!

i haven’t felt suicidal in about 2 months, but still have overdosed once in the past month.  i’m not sure whether or how long this apparent emotional stability is going to last.  i feel like i’m only a few steps away from doing irreversible damage.  somehow i always wake up with no organ damage or any other kind of permanent damage.  but who knows when i may one day not wake up, or wake up in a coma or with serious brain damage?

today i feel like everything may fall apart, that everything may come crashing down and that maybe i better be prepared for things just in case.

i just came back from an appointment with my psychopharmacologist.  i started crying while she was typing up notes.  i tried hard to stop crying, wiping away the tears as fast as i could.  i was hoping she wouldn’t notice.  i was hoping that if she didn’t see me cry that maybe i could stop crying and that may be my sadness would just go away.  but i couldn’t stop crying.  and i’m scared, terrified actually.

when you know how bad things can be, and you know sooner or later it’s going to hit you again, well, the time in between is just time i’m sitting in the waiting room.  and in some ways, waiting for the storm to hit can be more nerve wrecking than how things might feel in the middle of the storm.  ok, so middle of the storm if bad too.  AND the time anticipating or waiting for the storm to hit is bad as well.

to sum up how i feel today, life sucks when you feel crappy.  time doesn’t go fast enough.  the night doesn’t come soon enough.  and the waiting is unbearable.  so yeah, life sucks.  that’s all i have to say today.

changes, big changes

i haven’t updated in so long.  it’s hard to know where to even start.  when i don’t update for a while, i feel like there is so much to say i just don’t know where to start.

the biggest news of this year is that for the first time since spring of 2002, i have had about 5-6 weeks of complete absence of suicidal ideation!  sure i still get depressed and still cry.  and still have overdosed, last time being couple weeks ago, the most i ever over-dosed on any kind of pill.  but even when i have felt depressed, the intensity of the feeling has not been as oppressive.  i don’t think that i want to end my life and that to do so would be the only way to get out of the unbearable pain.

so what to attribute to this crazy improvement in my chronic depression?  i know one thing that played a major role is starting to date my boyfriend.  guess things happen when you least expect it.  so i wasn’t thinking chatting on-line with someone might actually lead to friendship, mutual respect and acceptance and as well romantic relationship.  i’ve dated plenty of times before.  actually i stopped dating in the past ten years or so to stop the crazy cycle of dating guys casually just because they were interested in dating me.  i had decided about ten years ago, that i would only date if/when i want to date and that i would want to date only someone i was interested in, liked, respected, and was attracted to.  i’m sure i had some combination of a list working in my head.  but when you meet someone in person, the list flies out the window, right?  because the real person is a real person, not a pre-made up package.

think it helped also that i had changed my therapist last october and am starting to make progress, i would like to think.

i was supposed to get new meds also.  did end up getting one new med in the hospital couple weeks ago.  but not the medicine i was supposed to go on.  my new psychopharm wants to put me on depakote.  but we haven’t been able to start up on it yet.  i am back on abilify, although the dose i’m on now is so little it could hardly make any difference.

so the rest of the world lives this way, right?  everyday living life without actively or passively trying to figure out how to end their life?  trying to figure out a good time when one might actually proceed with the plan.  and trying to figure out to what extent and what things one could do before their last day to help the loved ones when you know they are going to be in tremendous grief and sadness as a direct result of what you are about to do?

the world and life, all of it, it’s not fair or easy.  no one says that it is.  but still, the first time i woke up after my antidepressants kicked in, i felt elated, not because of how i felt from the medicine but to feel like i wasn’t chained down and weighed down so that maybe at some point during the day, i might be able to come up for air so to speak.  i realized that day that most people start their day off at my high point of the day which i sometimes don’t even make it to.  then their days just go up or down from there.  i felt both liberated and betrayed.  how come rest of the world has it so easy?  as if they have perfect vision and had it all their lives.  i had only discovered that the blurriness of the things i see was not how things really are for rest of the world.

likewise, to live a tremendously long period of time (in my life 6 weeks free of suicidal ideation is like an eternity!) not trying to kill myself, i hardly know what to do with all the time and energy that is left over!  so anyway, 6 weeks of “sobriety” from suicidal urges/ideation/attempt.  then what was the bad bad overdose two weeks ago?  really have no idea.  but i was not trying to not wake up forever.  i just wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep until i could wait out the storm.  i was hoping that when i would wake up from the sleep that i would not feel so bad, so scared, so nervous, so worried, and so sad.

i’m still here: last will, burial site, funeral homes

i haven’t written a post in a long long time. i suppose things are okay. i’m still breathing. what else is new?

couple weeks ago, after coming back from california, the entire week i had difficulty breathing, mainly due to anxiety i think. then on the thursday of that week, i felt so so sad that i started crying. i put aside my jewelry worth keeping, put them in envelopes for my sister and cousin to hold onto until their daughters get old enough. it was crazy! i was totally sad even as i was sealing the packages. i wrote address on them and they were ready for the post office or ups. i didn’t make it to ups or post office since i was so sad and had to move onto take care of other affairs!

i started researching online for burial sites in cemeteries. i didn’t really do a good job finding cemeteries that are offering free/open space for ground burial. i looked up funeral homes near my place to check out which of the funeral homes near my place would be most convenient for my friends and family. i found out that you can make arrangements with a funeral home and tell them ahead of time what kind of casket you want and reserve space that suits the needs or tastes of the deceased. there are three or four funeral homes within mile or two distance from my place.

i found legalzoom.com online somehow. the site is like turbotax for last will, living will, corporation, patent or other kinds of legal document. it didn’t take that long to answer the questions. within 20 min i had a” last will” online! i didn’t pay so i don’t have a hard copy or e-mail version of the will. it gave me ideas about what kinds of things i should settle/decide before i die so that when i’m not able to tell friends and family what i would have done, they would know exactly what to do with my stuff.

i was able to keep myself from actually engaging in a self-harming behavior by logically (as much as i could) considering the outcome of impulsive overdose or any other means of attempting to end my life. i knew (from past attempts) i didn’t have nearly enough pills to do anything more than get a good night sleep even if i pushed down every single pill (both over the counter and prescribed medicine) in my possession. i considered other means of bringing my life to an end. i considered hanging myself but decided against it because i didn’t have any rope, i don’t think my belts would really hold me up since i gained so much weight during past few years, and our bathroom, unlike may others i have seen in movies where people have hung themselves, there is nothing structurally strong enough to tie toe rope to! anyway, i was able to come to the conclusion fairly fast that i didn’t have the means to be successful and if i am not, then i might end up in some hospital that i don’t like and be at the mercy of health providers who seem more interested in clocking in than helping the patients.

it’s good to be smart, or at least fairly intelligent. it’s true that i could probably figure out most anything i want to find out by doing research. so on the one hand being resourceful can be deadly. but as it turned out on that thursday, you can talk yourself through your impulse to do reversible or irreversible damage to yourself by thinking through one step at a time, being practical and realistic about the outcome.

having come to the conclusion, as one does in a math proof, that it doing anything just to do something would be foolish, i gave myself a week to reconsider during which time if i kept feeling sad, hopeless and suicidal i could acquire materials i needed or at least come up with a plan that would have some chance of bringing the desired outcome.

i entered a scheduled event in my calendar on my iphone a week from the time i was suicidal. the title of the event and place, well, i couldn’t very well enter the specifics if i don’t want others to find out, right? so the title of the event was “untitled” and place of the event was “unknown.” it would have seemed mysterious to others what event was supposed to happen a week later. but i knew and i was aware of the time passing and that there would be a kind of a “critical” decision point once again a week later.

fortunately, starting the next day, i noticed i wasn’t feeling the intensity of pain and emptiness as much as the day before. i was not nearly as sad and i wasn’t crying uncontrollably without having a clue as to why i was crying. so the week passed and i didn’t accomplish something each day to prepare for a successful attempt at “final exit.” i told my therapist and he was pretty calm about it the whole time i was describing what had happened and how i was able to not act on the impulses. anyway, he just asked at the end of the session, do you need to go to the hospital or are you safe? it’s amazing how much trust exists between my therapist and myself and probably also between other therapists and their clients. i said i was feeling safe. and that i didn’t need to go to the hospital. and that was that. he said see you next week. i said good night.

just for the record!

today is not a good day to die.  i haven’t seen my neices and nephews yet.  i haven’t said bye to all the friends who went home for thanskgiving.  i’m supposed to give someone a ride back from the airport on friday night.  must live until then i think.  wouldn’t you agree?

i am however aware of this lovely opportunity to try beautifully…  all the ingredients are there.  i just have to mix them in my stomach without throwing them back up.  hmmm   for the longest time i would obssess about the grief and trauma that the person who first found me would feel/see/experience.  i don’t worry about that now because i have no idea who is going to visit me before my sister comes back.

so then why do i keep increasing the number of pills which are supposed to help me to sleep?  it’s too bad that i don’t feel like drinking alcohol.  guess i’ll have to face tomorrow, then.

today is a lovely day for cleaning out all the sleeping pills that are on top of my dresser.  yes.  yes.  can’t see them anymore.  they are no longer reminding me that i could take them.  i need not be tempted, because i have taken them.

i have been told that i have an amazing tolerance for drugs.  i think it’s true.  i seem to be able to take in huge dosages of medicine before they come into therapeutic range.

i think i’m going to sleep in tomorrow.  so no one call me before noon!  later in the day would be even more appreciated, of course.  happy thurkey-day friends!