New Era

so after about nine months, the relationship is over.  i’m still processing everything, sorting things out in my head and in my heart.  i’m sure the decision to stop dating was the right decision for both of us.  how could such a right decision feel so wrong?  i’m happy to be single.  maybe i wasn’t even made to be part of a relationship but to be a self-sufficient single person for the rest of my life.  but after nine months of sharing my life with someone, it feels weird not to have someone to call to talk about things that happened to me that i want to share with someone who really cares about me.  a week after we broke up, i was told on the phone, yes, i do love you.  was i supposed to be happy to hear confirmation of how he felt about me, a week after we mutually broke up?  love is a funny thing.  at this point, to be honest, i don’t even know what it means when someone says i love you.  i used to say i love you a lot.  i stopped saying it when i got tired of hearing thank you after i said i love you.  thank you isn’t bad.  it’s better than silence.  …  i feel as though i have lived a life of unrequited love.  it’s not that no one has ever been in love with me.  it’s never at the same time, or at the right place in our lives, etc.  in times like these, i am so thankful that my identity is so strongly defined by what i do and how i relate to the world than by whether there is a person who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  i was really sad two weeks ago about breaking up with the person i thought i could spend the rest of my life with.  for half a week, i lost my appetite so much i lost few pounds.  but now my appetite is back, but not the way it used to be.  and now i don’t want to be sad.  i want to get used to my life as a single person.  maybe i should get used to it for good.  i could spend my energy instead on developing and deepening friendships, good friendships.  end of an era brings in beginning of a new era.  in this new era, i plan on being more caring of my self, more loving to my self, and gentler on my self.  if i don’t love myself, i’m not sure anyone else will, well no human being in any case.

one day left in korea

maybe the only word that fits the way i feel is “bitter sweet” i want to go home at last, my home in boston. but it was great seeing my parents and spending lots and lots of time with my brother. we contemplated about going on a short trip to India but didn’t act on it so our inaction decided for us. 🙂

it’s been difficult to communicate with my bf, obviously. when you’re single and wondering who likes you or who doesn’t like you and who you like and who you don’t like, the name of the game is certainty, right? you think someone is or might be interested. ooooh how life would be so easy if he/she would just come right out and say so?

my bf and i started dating each other exclusive fairly early from when we met. became bg & gf officially near the end of the first month of dating. what i want to say is that even though we have this official status as bf and gf, if we don’t get to talk for a while i still need way of communicating that he still loves me. it’s quite different, isn’t it? knowing someone loves you vs hearing them say ILY or having them do things that shout out i love you!

i think i definitely respond more with verbal affirmations. it’s just the kind of person i am. love hugs and kisses, and everything else, but would like to hear other person say or do things that speak ILY to me clearly and loudly! boy, i wish my bf were reading my blogs, but i don’t think he is. hehe

nrb (karaoke) for 3 hrs – un/requited love

this past weekend, i was visiting my bf and we went to no-rae-bang (aka nrb = karaoke) for 3 hours!  it was just the two of us.  that means each of us sang for about an hour and a half.  mind you, neither of us are part of a choir or anything like that.  i can’t remember the last time i was at nrb!

it was so sweet that my bf sang couple songs to me in korean.  🙂  i took a break from dating for about ten years before i met my current bf so it’s really strange not to be single.  it’s so nice and absolutely lovely that someone (someone i like) likes me and wants to be with me (at the same time i want to be with them)!  always always in the past it’s bad timing or some variation of unrequited love on either party.  mostly i would lose interest in about a month.  so i warned my bf too when we started dating that i expire in about a month in a relationship.

it’s really strange i must say.  all the phobias i have about intimacy, commitment and whatever else just disappeared.  not scared to get to know someone really well.  not scared someone is getting to know me really well.  not scared that he won’t like me the more he get to know me.  and more and more interested everyday as i get to know him better.  i mean, is this why people stay in one relationship for a long long time?  never knew why people would do such a crazy thing.  think i’m experiencing why anyone would.  🙂

so i’m wondering, i mean, i think the honey-moon stage lasted the first time we had to really figure out now to communicate better.  i wanted to just get off the phone and sleep.  he didn’t want me to just walk away from things we were talking about.  usually i just walk out on the relationship all together, let alone carry out the conversation to the end.  but somehow we talked it through, managed to end feeling better than when we started talking about stuff that was upsetting to both of us, and felt closer (at least on my end) than before too.  but do things really stay this good?  ok, granted it’s not always up and up and up and i’m not constantly experiencing feelings of happiness or ecstasy.  but for the most part, i feel good being with my current bf than not.  i think we’re both better with each other than we are alone or with other people we might be dating.

so anyway, plenty of things to blog about now even though my depression isn’t so crazy bad anymore.  after about 7 yrs of hard-core depression and constant battle with suicidal ideation, being happy for an enduring period of time of any length is just so strange.  i feel like i’m living someone else’s life!  i know i’m not.  i know it’s my life that has taken an absolutely amazing turn for the better.  and that my bf really knows me well, especially at my worst, and still is interested in me and loves me.  but man, talk about radical acceptance!  there are times when i wonder if all of it is really real!  🙂