Merry Christmas…the year all my wishes came true

Merry Christmas, everyone! This was a great Christmas. One friend proposed to a girlfriend of eleven years and she said yes! Another friend gave birth to a beautiful girl! My boyfriend and I are together, again. 🙂 We got to spend Christmas together. And I have a great roommate. I get to see my nieces and my two sisters in two days. I finished four units of CPE which means my badges in hospitals will now say chaplain instead of chaplain intern. I got great feedback on my final paper and terrific grade in the class I was taking. At this point in my life, for everything I could ask for, I got. So happy and feeling great! Thank you, God! Thank you, Jesus!

wishes wishes wishes

i wish i could stay in the air just floating.  i don’t want to feel anything because feelings might be bad and unbearable.  i just want to sleep or somehow be awake without feeling or being aware of feelings.  yes.  yes.

as i am alone in the house this week, i plan on sleeping as much as i can and staying “unaware” for as long as i can.  if i must live because i can’t die, then i want to live without feeling pain.  fair enough, don’t you think?  and for now that means grey goose and orange juice and over the counter sleep aids, allergy medicine, or pain relievers.  yes.  yes.

if i must live, i guess i have to.  but it doesn’t mean i have to enjoy it or that i have to be conscious of my feelings or anything else for that matter.  yes. yes.

does anyone know how i can stay alive without feeling anything, especially not pain so that no one would have to grieve for my death and i don’t have to live in pain?